How does someone determine when an invitation is sincere?

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I met a woman in our community a few weeks ago. We had a good conversation.

Today, she had a birthday party for her daughter at the neighborhood pool.

She walked by our home when I was standing outside. She said, hi "Come on over to my daughter's party."

I came over about 10 minutes later. When I got there I was friendly with her. She was giving party favors to children.
She was not particularly friendly to me. She did not offer me a drink or something to eat. I then realized her invitation
was not sincere.

I think even NTs will make this mistake. I know someone that told me
she invited someone over to her home but didn't really mean it. The person came over.

How does someone tell an invitation is sincere?

Even when I was invited, my gut was telling me she was being nice. Do people just use their gut when determining when an invitation is sincere?

How do people ever make friends when invitations are not always sincere?

I don't know how old you are, or how old the daughter is, but if you're a grown man with no kids, a spur-of-the-moment invitation to a kid's party is probably not sincere.

I'm with you on this one ... I have no idea on how to tell, even if there is plenty of body language to indicate otherwise. The logic of why the invitation might not be sincere would not be obvious to me unless I thought about it for quite a long while. Yes, it would seem odd to be invited to an event like that, but it would take a while for the unusualness of that to sink in.

I get where you are coming from. However, I am certain there were some single people without children there.

Even in an NT world, I don't think a person would have to have children to be invited to an child's party if they are friends of the parents.

I could be wrong.

Then why would someone give it in the first place?

I'm having trouble figuring out why someone would invite you to a birthday party and NOT be sincere about it. I mean, if someone does not want a person to come to a party, then he/she does not have to extend the invitation.

So..... I'm kind of thinking that your neighbor's invitation was sincere, but that she was merely very busy with the party and with chasing children around. Very often, Aspergian's tend to feel slighted or ignored in social situations (I feel that way a LOT) when that is not what is happening.

Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 30 Jun 2012, 11:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Right, but how many of them do you feel were spur-of-the-moment invites like you? Probably zero. They were probably family friends who were formally invited, brought presents, etc.

Her verbal invitation to you was a polite way of saying, "Oh, we've met before, you seem OK. I'll do my part at making the gesture to invite you. You can see I'm having a kid's party, or even if you're unaware, I'm NT and I love sharing this kind of stuff with people in passing, and it would be rude if I didn't acknowledge you with a spur-of-the-moment invitation. But please don't actually follow through with my invite, as it's a kid's party, not an adult mixer."

Well I would reply "that's very nice, but I have hard time to entertain children. They start to jump on my head after a while". Now observe her reaction. If she suggests she would "help you with them" - you go for it Also you should add that you would go because you want to spend time with her but "I don't know if this is the appropriate opportunity, what about cup of coffee at 9 pm?" - if she says she is going to be busy = it was not sincere. The point is, show her your interest but leave her space for rethink/rejection.

Would an appropriate response be just,

"Thank you."

Do I need to give an explanation why I am not going?

I'm confused. Why did you go? I mean, do you enjoy kids' parties? If someone invited me to one, whether they were sincere or not, I wouldn't go, because that's not an environment I'd want to spend time in - noisy, chaotic. I can take kids one or two at a time, but not a children's party!

She also seems, from what little you have said, to have been busy with the kids - at the kids' party, no duh. So why should she stop to show you around and serve you food? Why couldn't you help yourself or visit with the other guests there?

I won't comment on whether the invitation was sincere, since I don't know the situation, or you, or the neighbor, and I wasn't there. Maybe she was not thinking about the fact that someone with no kids wouldn't enjoy that, or she just did it to be polite - some people think it's rude to mention they're having a party and not invite you. Some will even invite neighbors just so the neighbors, having been invited, won't complain about the noise. But it doesn't seem that she was that unfriendly - she invited you, probably to be a nice neighbor - there was food and drink (I'm assuming) available to you, and she didn't likely count on you needing your hand held when she was busy with the kids.

Was the food set out in a buffet style or hidden? If it was a buffet, it's not surprising she didn't offer you anything, as it's already out available for you to eat.

Kid's birthday parties are extremely stressful, and pool parties even more so due to the safety issues. I think that she just didn't have the ability to really get in and socialize with you.

I'm not sure the invitation was insincere. I think that a mother would not invite someone to a minor child's party she didn't trust enough to be there.

Yes, three possible responses.

1) Say "Thank you" and leave it at that.

2) Say, "OK, maybe I'll stop on by, thanks" and not actually go. Just as she wasn't really inviting you, this is a way of acknowledging the gesture, but not actually having to follow through with it.

3) Say "I'm sorry, I'm busy today, but I really appreciate the invitation," this leaves the two of you on good terms, showing her you appreciate the (hollow) social gesture of inviting you, even though she really wasn't.

I sometimes just say, "Thank you. but I can't make it." Or "Thanks, but I have another commitment." NO you do not need to explain! I can't seem to get that through to my spouse, who seems to think he has to tell people our life story to excuse us from something. Too much information strains casual friendships, I've found, and for me a lot of the strain is on me, via embarrassment. I say as little as possible - that helps leave the situation more open to future opportunities. Maybe I don't want to go to someone's kids party, but that doesn't mean we're 100% incompatible as neighbors or even as friends. I don't want to hurt their feelings with "I hate kids' parties." I'd rather just say something polite, something brief, and leave it at that. No explanation necessary. I'm in charge of my time and commitments, I don't need their permission to say no.

I agree with again_with_this. It's what I would've done, depending on how fast she was passing by and how many seconds I had to answer her suggestion.

But I wanted to add that, if you're not bringing a present for the child, then you too are already positioning yourself as not a formal guest (exonerated from the part of a formal guest) and not treated as a formal guest. Children's parties are a lot about the presents.

In social situations, you have influence too. Sometimes people throw you a ball to see what you do with it. Do you throw it back? Do you let it lie? It doesn't matter so much if the invitation was sincere or not; maybe it was both, or neither. Even if she didn't mean the invitation sincerely, the fact that you bring a present, ask her if there's anything you can help with, try to mingle with the adults or help the kids with their play, or play with a bored dog, can turn the situation into one that next time the invitation will be for sure heartfelt. Your behavior would normally be determined by your self-interest. Do you consider this a family you want to be in relations with? Or are you totally indifferent to how much closeness you have with this neighbor?

Unfortunately, a simple "Come to our party!", especially when it's community neighbors relations we're talking about, is the tip of such a huge iceberg of complex social interplay, and even I at my age and all I've invested in deciphering rules, am sure I miss about 80% of the whole system of implications.

Personally, I wouldn't have come without a present, even a handful of candy if I'm not interested in investing more in this relationship, but that's out of compassion for the child, because I know children have such huge illusions each time someone comes into their party, it'd pain me to see the disappointment in their eyes. Or, if it's weekend and all stores are closed, you could say to the mother and the child that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing so you're bringing the present afterwards (and follow through, of course).

I fail to see what is "nice" about this. She pretended to do something nice to you, while actually doing something mean or, at the very least, highly inconsiderate. It sounds like the very opposite of "nice" to me. I absolutely hate people who do this and I refuse to feel stupid for accepting an explicitly stated invitation. Although I wouldn't have gone to a party like that, on rare occasions I've actually taken up insincere invitations to show people how stupid they were to offer something they didn't mean to give away. A simple example would be "would you like the last piece" - "yes" (eats last piece). Hey, if you want it, just go ahead and take, but don't ask me to make you feel good about something that you did to my detriment!

One way to know an invitation is sincere is that you've developed a connection/relationship with the person over time. Also, if you are given an invitation via mail or in paper format, it took time, energy, and possibly even money to buy/make it. In-person invites I take less seriously in general unless I know the person real well, and Facebook invites that are non-public events, birthdays, graduations, or even weddings done only through Facebook I don't go. I don't take those seriously at all. If you want my money that bad, at least spend a little on the invitation, otherwise I know that my time and effort to go to the party won't be appreciated at all. I've had all of the above sent to me as a Facebook invite only, and I refuse immediately even if I can go. I have a hard time understanding how some people will think it's okay to send a Facebook invite even if they've never had you for anything else. Sorry, if it's really serious, you just won't use Facebook solely. It is a very tasteless thing to do, especially if you have money, but even so many NTs do it. Technology has really changed the times, and not always for the better.