Doing alot for others because you don't say "No!"?
Greetings everyone!
These is something on my mind right now that has been brought to my attention by a professor of mine that I never realized. Without wanting to bother you with the details how that happened, he made me realized I rarely say "No!", and I don't really know why that is. I can definitely outrule that I do it so other people like me. I thought about it alot, but is simply isn't the case. I don't care about most other people. I do not entertain the illusion that I do not want other people to see me in a good way, but when it comes to doing favors, I simply don't think about it like that (to me, it is more a general behaviour-type of affair.... as in: I try to not make myself look like a fool in front of other people). Someone asks me if I could help him with something, and if it is something that I consider within my abilities, I almost always say yes, and most of the time, I do it right away. I do not expect a reward, I do not expect the favour to be repaid, I just do it. I even go out of my ways to help people I barely know. Is that common for us AS folks? For me, I think I might have an explanation for this: There is someone who needs my help, who am I to deny it to them? Sounds a little weird, but this is the best I can describe it. Folks have called me the most helpful and reliable person they've ever known before, but I always assumed that it was just the usual flattery, and that it is a given that when I say I would help, I help to the best of my abilities. Now, appearantly, this is not the case, as I have learned over the past few weeks. I wouldn't know, since I very, very rarely ask someone else for their help, I simply don't want to bother other people with my personal issues, and also want to figure stuff out by myself.
Did any of you experience similar things, or is it a personal thing to me? I just assume it might be an AS trait, because once we set our mind to something, we pursue it.
Yes, I can totally relate. I am always saying "yes" even when my body is saying "no". A perfect example of this was my first job. Even thought it was a part time job I never said no if I was asked to take a shift and as a result, worked up to 15 days straight. The small amount of money was not worth how miserable I felt but I did it anyway because I never wanted to let anyone down. The first time I said "no" was when I was violently ill and my supervisor made it clear how disappointed they were in me. Rather than angrily point out my record of always saying yes I just continued to be a doormat.
Word of wisdom: while it's important to go the extra mile in a new job, if you are too afraid to say no your superiors will almost always take advantage of you.
Yes, I have trouble saying no sometimes. I too, just want to help people out, but I have been taken advantage of at times because of this. Sometimes, when I do say no, I do get a bad reaction from people who get annoyed that they can't use me for whatever it was I said no about. So I suffer from being too weak and wanting to help sometimes, and being stubborn and wanting to stand my ground other times.
Guess I can't win, but that's the Autism spectrum motto, isn't it? ![]()
lostonearth35
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Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,889
Location: On a planet where I don't belong.
I read that people with anxiety disorders have a much harder time saying no, even when they should. I on the other hand, can usually say no without too much effort. That doesn't mean I don't have anxiety, however. In fact I probably say NO when I should say yes a little too much! I'm stubborn as a mule and when people won't see things my way I almost literally hold my breath until they do, but that's just how I am, and people need to get over it.
I can related to that, but I were lucky enough to have someone sit down with me and explain to me when I were just 17 years old that I didn't always have to say yes.
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AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200
This makes sense to me. I am quite certain that I do not have any noteworthy anxiety disorder, though. But it seems to be a common trait, thanks everyone for your insight. I guess saying "No!" is a social norm, as to when to do it and when not, so I think it is only natural for us to be at a certain imbalance. I have come to notice that even when I say no, I usually use some "polite alternative" to it, like "I don't think I can do it!" or "I won't have the time.", or even "I'll have to think about that." Folks who know me usually understand that this means I will not be doing it. When I really, really want to show people that I am rather... let's say surprised that they ask something of me, one of my stock replies is "You know, chances are very slim that I will be doing that!", one of the few cases where people get my sarcastic accentuation.
There is, however, a very surefire way to get me to say "No!" to whatever it is someone's asking: pester me with it (or "remind" me of something I have promised to do). One of the rules folks have to obey when asking favours of me: If you don't give me any directions or ask me to follow certain procedures, I do things my own way. If you want something done a specific way, tell me right away. If you approach me later and try to change the rules, then fine, do it yourself. Same goes with pestering: If I agreed to do it, and you constantly come to me and say "Remeber what you promised me, you still have to do blahblahblah!", then I usually get rather angry and frustrated.
I struggle to say no to people. People try to convince me how easy it is, and maybe it is easy, but for a person with no social confidence, it can be hard. Then people say those things like ''well if they don't like it then they weren't worth knowing in the first place anyway'', and then you can't argue with that. But I find that getting all pissy in these situations is quite common in people, whether they're nice or not, and is less common in people similar to me who are afraid of standing up for themselves. That's why I often get friends asking me if I have ''gone funny'', and I look a bit surprised and go, ''what? no, why?'' and I know they probably ask that because they're used to the fact that people do tend to get upset if they don't get their own way. Me, however, doesn't get upset with friends if I don't get my own way. But this is where my difficulties of saying no come from - knowing people can go funny, even the nice ones, if they're not getting their own way. It may only be temporary, even for a very short while like 5 minutes, but I still don't like that happening because then arguments come more frequent because I become less bothered about upsetting them, then I worry that it's me being unable to get along with anyone, which causes urges to commit suicide and start again as a new person in my next life.
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