Fluctuating social life?

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I'm afraid I have a rather bizarre social life. I'll often go months without contact from the people I consider friends (despite my attempts to get in touch) with not so much as a text message received. I usually assume that these people no longer want to hang out with me and leave them alone, only to have them suddenly reach out to me again months later, wanting to "catch up". They will generally want to hang out a bunch of times over the next couple of weeks (in that they are inviting me to places, though I also try to return the favour) only to disappear from my life again as suddenly as they came, at which point the cycle repeats itself. Often multiple people will want to catch up at the same time, as well, which unfortunately means the friendships all burn out around the same time, too, and I am left startlingly isolated in between these stints.

Not more than a month or two ago I posted of my concerns about having "no friends", because at that time that is how I genuinely felt (having had a total of two social outings in the months of October and November, with very little social contact in between, despite many attempts). Now I find myself with a packed schedule, juggling all the people who seemingly want to be my friend again, as well as a sudden onslaught of new ones (who I fear will meet the same fate). I could probably put this particular instance down to the exam period at the end of the year and the Christmas holidays tying people up, and the New Year encouraging them to catch up with those they haven't seen in a while. However, I have experienced this situation often enough that I know it isn't exclusive to this busy time of year.

I guess I'm just wondering if this eternally fluctuating social life is common, what might be causing it, and what steps I could possibly take to change it? I would give anything to have a consistent, happy medium between "going out nearly every day and night for weeks at a time" and "not having anybody to hang out with or talk to for months at a time". I keep myself busy in the more isolated periods with various hobbies (and I still go to life drawing class and gigs regularly, though alone), but I can't help but feel living my life this way is weird and not entirely healthy.

I would really appreciate some feedback on this, guys!

Do these friends live in the same area as you? Do you make an effort to keep in contact with them after they seem to "disappear"? If they are initiating regular contact with you (by regular I mean recurring, not necessarily frequent) then it means they probably like you and enjoy your company, otherwise they wouldn't bother at all. But as to why it only comes in spurts, there's many different reasons that could be happening. I have some friends that I am like this with, but it is because we move around so much that we're not often in the same location at the same time.

One could be that they just get busy and lose track, I know that this happens to me sometimes. I will get so busy with work/school/whatever that I'll just stop talking to people and do my own thing. Another could be that they don't think you'd be interested in more frequent contact with them, or that they think you don't put in enough of an effort on your side of the friendship. Or the reverse could be true in that they just don't want to have frequent contact with you (although I see this case as less likely). One thing that I have a lot of difficulty with in friendships is holding up my end of things (e.g.: making the effort to call them and invite them places, as opposed to the other way around)

These are just a few ideas, it could be a multitude of other reasons as well. My suggestion would be to try and pick a few of these friends that you really seem to get along well with, and try to get something regular going with them. For example, if you both exercise you could suggest working out together or taking an exercise class once or twice a week (I think this is a great one since it provides a lot of regularity, and most people want exercise company since it gets you more motivated). Or maybe invite them out to lunch or something once every week or two. Just anything that you could do with them on a regular, recurring basis so that they won't suddenly disappear into the blue!

Thanks for chiming in! One thing I can say for sure is that it's not due to a lack of effort on my part. However, it is possible that I extend a little too much effort sometimes and weird them out. But then you'd think they wouldn't be coming back over and over again if I was making them uncomfortable. Oh, and we do all live in the same city.

I always try to get people to come to life drawing with me (I know a lot of artists, and this is something they have expressed interest in) but in the three years I have been going (almost weekly), I've never managed to get anybody to come along to more than a couple of classes. They often lament how they want to go but can't for various reasons (sick, busy, no money), so it could really just be bad luck, but I dunno! Currently I'm trying to find a swimming buddy but nobody I know seems interested in that. I also send various invites their way but depending on my timing I'll usually either get nothing back or end up with 10 separate lunch and dinner dates in a single week. It's like all of these people go into hibernation at the same time or something (not all of them are studying or even at the same school, so I know that's not it).

Overall it seems that people are more inclined to invite me to things, so we hang out on their terms, which might make one think that I'm inviting them to do things that simply don't interest them, but I always try to pick something I'm almost certain they'll like. For the people who have said they wished they drew more, I invite them to the life drawing class, for the people that said they really want to check out more international cuisine, I invite them out to dinner (usually with a group so it doesn't seem like I'm trying to pick them up, haha), for the people who I know like a certain local band, I invite them to that band's gigs, and so on (but I try to mix it up with a few "let's hang out at my house/the park/the beach" for those I know are on a tight budget).

Didn't see this thread until now, sorry you had a bit of a delay there in responses!

I don't really have the same situation as you, as I tend to have a steady, fairly quite social life most of the time. It never gets busy. One part I can identify with is the above quote, though. I do feel like I go to a fair bit of effort to invite my friends to thing I think they will enjoy, or aren't too out of their way, etc., but it doesn't seem to happen the other way around. For example, I would always visit my friend at her place (which is what she wanted), because it was easy for me to get to and she lived alone in an awesome house close to cafes, etc. Now she has moved to somewhere that is trickier for me to get to, so when I visited her there I suggested next time she can come to my place. She said "sure, or we can meet halfway!" like that was a brilliant idea, but it seemed to me like she just didn't want to make the effort that I was making. She has never seen where I live, and I've been here since mid last year, but it seemed super important to her that I see her new place asap.

So the way I have dealt with this is to remember to feel grateful that they want to hang out with me at all, because I do find it very hard to make friends. But I don't really think this is the best approach. I think I'd rather learn the skills of being an influential person, of being able to persuade others that my ideas are good ones, and to somehow get others to feel more included to compromise. I think is has to do with assertiveness and confidence. My friend felt she could easily say (effectively) "okay we could do what you want I guess, but I think we should just do what I want again" without worrying about that upsetting or annoying me. Whereas I would always worry that if I just tried to get my way, they wouldn't be interested in hanging out with me anymore (because they have plenty of other friends they can hang with), so I shy away from being like that.

Do you think that might have something to do with it? Do you think you have a charismatic, influential personality? Or are you perhaps not being assertive/bold/enticing enough with your invitations?

I dunno! The way I propose ideas probably varies. Sometimes I just ask, like "Hey there's a thing, wanna come?" but sometimes it's a bit more forward like "Let's do this" or even "Woah, you should do this". I haven't really paid much attention to how I phrase my invitations, but maybe I should! I do try to be a bit descriptive though, as in I'll describe the food on offer, or the band/art that we'll see, or how cheap the drinks are, etc.