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leiselmum
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14 Jul 2012, 1:30 am

My last post went un replied. Thats ok.

I really dont know how to proceed without offending this boy's mother. He is insistent on being friends with my daughter. They briefly met on an excursion arranged by autism network in our town, on Friday, but the mother mentioned he flirted with his therapists when he was 8 because they were pretty.

I dont know anything about this boy or his mother and she is already emailing me for them to come over and have them be 'friends' for tomorrow.

They in my feeling have really come on too strong. We are just wrapping our heads around this autism and the diagnoses,let alone another individual with autism in my home. I dont even know how to help my own child yet.

I wanted to be courteous and up front but my husband says she will take offence. He said use white lies, and some truths about feeling overwhelmed on my part and my daughter.

REally any advice would be helpful and thank you very much



zena4
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14 Jul 2012, 1:55 am

Hello leiselmum,

I don't know how old is your child (if she's a young or a little girl) but I agree, in part, with your husband.

If you need time, you need time.

But don't be too upfront or else maybe you wouldn't be able to go for another excursion later on.
... Mothers can be awful sometimes: no boudaries, no politeness at all.

Or in such a hurry because they can feel so lonely.

Some are wonderful to know but also some others are to be avoided - at least for the moment.
Until you feel strong enough to endure them, if you want to.

Tell her you need time, ask her to leave you her telephone number if she wishes to and not to call please until you do.
... Or maybe, you'll see each other at another meeting, with the others.

Let the door opened if I may say so but don't let her in until you know her better and there's no urge for it - at least, not for you, not for the moment.

(Excuse the poor english: it's not my native language.)



Chronos
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14 Jul 2012, 2:48 am

leiselmum wrote:
My last post went un replied. Thats ok.

I really dont know how to proceed without offending this boy's mother. He is insistent on being friends with my daughter. They briefly met on an excursion arranged by autism network in our town, on Friday, but the mother mentioned he flirted with his therapists when he was 8 because they were pretty.

I dont know anything about this boy or his mother and she is already emailing me for them to come over and have them be 'friends' for tomorrow.

They in my feeling have really come on too strong. We are just wrapping our heads around this autism and the diagnoses,let alone another individual with autism in my home. I dont even know how to help my own child yet.

I wanted to be courteous and up front but my husband says she will take offence. He said use white lies, and some truths about feeling overwhelmed on my part and my daughter.

REally any advice would be helpful and thank you very much


Is it the truth that is offensive, or how you were going to say it?



glasstoria
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14 Jul 2012, 7:30 am

Would you be interested in speaking with the mother in order to get to know her better, without involving the children? That seems like a socially acceptable route towards your children possibly being friends in the future, and you might be able to learn something about her methods and the resources she could help you find that you need. Plus, it could be brief, a coffee or ice cream meet up could be as short as half an hour.

She is possibly starved for adult conversation, especially with someone who might understand what she is going through with a child on the spectrum. Additionally, she could have some aspects of ASD herself, so she might not be aware of the effect her actions have in "coming on too strong". So be gentle but honor your own boundaries.

my two cents. hope it helps.


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thewhitrbbit
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14 Jul 2012, 9:51 am

Why don't you two meet up for coffee or lunch and get to know each other a bit. People with AS (IMO) should try to take every opportunity to make friends presented; but as a parent you do have a duty to make sure your daughter is safe.

Getting to know the parent beforehand could help relieve your concerns. If she has issues with that, then it's on her.



leiselmum
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14 Jul 2012, 5:06 pm

Thanks this has been really helpful. I was raised myself in a toxic family, with no boundaries. So finding where mine are is difficult, but still this is happening a little fast for me. So I will be kind but still let her know my feelings and need some time to come around.
My daughter is 15 last may and the boy is 13.



opal
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15 Jul 2012, 12:27 am

I thought it was a bit strange that she was pushing to come to YOUR house, not inviting you to hers; but maybe that's just my issue.
Yeah tell her you need time, and it isn't convenient at this point, or something



blue_bean
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15 Jul 2012, 1:31 am

Maybe she's desperate for some respite from her son and wants someone else to look after him every so often on weekends etc. Be wary of the possibility that she could be trying to take advantage of the friendship (if any...yet) between the two kids and using it as an opportunity to dump him on you when she has other weekend plans. I find it a bit iffy that she's hassling you for this without even knowing if the two of them would truly get along. They only met briefly you said.



leiselmum
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15 Jul 2012, 2:53 am

All this support is really great, with much appreciation, thank you.

I ended up emailing her saying I needed to take things slowly. My daughter is really anxious and that I would wait for her when she is ready to make friends after being with a therapist who can teach her how to have friends and be calm about it. I said that I hoped she understood and things would improve in the future. I also said I hoped I hadn't lead her on.

She is actually one of the top people of the network, so I hope I dont get prejudice treatment by her when I try to register for other events.

What a maze to navigate, I'm overwhelmed. 8O



Gnonymouse
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15 Jul 2012, 9:19 am

That sounds fine. If your husband is naturally better at these things and it doesn't overwhelm him, let him do some of it.