Unnatural Communication

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As I've studied my Asperger's/social interactions throughout my life more, I've noticed that my history of relationships with so called "friends" were all a lie. I was behaving not naturally as myself around them. In fact, I'm never truly at ease and myself around anybody, not even my family. Every conversation is forced, fake, and me wearing a mask of what I think I "should" be doing/saying/reacting.

I have recently found out that many "friends" saw my lack of natural conversation ability as me being "fake" and a "phony." As a result of this, I have no intimate friendships because I'm just so uncomfortable and unable to connect via real conversation with others. I'm on edge and constantly anxious, desperately trying to come up with something to say next or worrying what the other person is thinking about me and how negative it must be. My mom tells me that I'm great at being friendly but I know this is all a lie. At best, she has been fooled by my good imitation and mimicking ability.

Have you ever felt true to yourself around others? How did you get to that level of ease/comfort? I have trouble making eye contact with people. I don't know what it is...I just get so uncomfortable I have to look at the floor and people always point it out to me, thinking I'm not paying attention to what they're saying but that isn't the truth at all!

When I was dating my wife, my friends told her I had no personality. I was very social, however, having learned to interact with people through trial and error. Your description of a mask; I can relate to that perfectly.

I've worked at the same place for many years, on second shift for most of them. My quirkiness didn't seem popular until I was older than the average guy and then, although I was still the same, I think I became that fun older guy. Being silly has been a long time coping mechanism for me with people I associate with long term.

After awhile, it was like they looked to me for fun and entertainment at work, and it was fun, but I was spending tremendous amounts of energy there and doing very little at home with my wife. When I finally researched AS and self diagnosed, I realized what I was doing and decided I needed a change. I transferred to 1st shift and am a totally different person there. I don't hang out at breaks, just hide in the restroom and recharge, and now have more energy to spend with my wife and work on the heap of problems we have, largely in communication.

After years of "wearing masks" I am making an effort to be more just myself. If that makes me unpopular, I'm okay with that. There are times, however, where I'm still fun and friendly, namely with the people my wife associates with, but those instances are less frequent. I don't have any true friends of my own, aside from my wife, if you consider a friend to be someone you spend time with.

I always wanted to fit in, and the masks were how I did that, but it didn't change the real hollowness I felt inside. I don't see it as a hollowness anymore; more like a calm, peaceful, quiet center that most people probably don't have. I've accepted it.

Sometimes I wear a mask also when in conversation.
I find it hard to open up too. Maybe it's part of you that's afraid.

Hehe, that comment, and your avatar... I laughed

I'm sorry to hear that. I still don't feel fully comfortable around most people, but I've never tried to be anything but myself. I think that by choosing to be something you're not, you make a trade-off. You can make more friends and get along with people easier in life, but most, if not all, of your relationships will be somewhat fake. Hopefully you can still find someone who you can be yourself around.

I can be myself around my wife, our kids and my mother. And lately also my sister, depending on the situation. Socializing with anyone else is exhausting, but I still feel true to myself. Everyone have different fragments of themselves they enhance in certain situations. You are a father/mother/friend to your kids, you are a son/daughter/friend to your mother/father, you are a lover/friend to your spouse, you are a co-worker at work, you are a customer at the store, you are student in school, etc. I expose different aspects of my personality to different people, but that doesn't mean I am not true to myself.


My wife used one year to get close to me, luckily she never gave up. I don't really know the steps needed to get that comfortable, but I know it took a year for us before we got together. Some steps might be sharing intimite details of your life, helping eachother out when in trouble, knowing they will always be there for you, feeling accepted. Yes, acceptance is important. Feeling respected/accepted even after they know most of your dark secrets.


This is really annoying, sometimes I wish I lived in Japan because of the eye contact problem. I have real trouble learning our current cultures way of making eye contact. I concentrate alot better on the conversation if I rest my eyes on something random in the room often atleast 30 degrees away from the other persons face.

Thanks for all your help and advice. I'm still in awe and so glad you guys understand. I've never talked about this type of thing with anyone-they don't get it!