Dwelling

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Do you dwell? I do.

On everything, but specifically my communications with people (friends, coworkers, my boss, etc...) I am constantly replaying conversations in my mind, twisting them to figure out every single interpretation. And, when I find a way that what I said could be interpreted wrongly, I get worried. At best, all I do is worry, but at worst I send out some sort of message explaining how I didn't mean what I thought that person might have thought I said. Needless to say, I'm regularly apologizing for things that were non-issues and sending emails that start with "I hope you weren't offended..."

I find that this consumes a large amount of my thinking time and sometimes disrupts an entire day as I can think of nothing else but what I should have said and what I shouldn't have said, espcially when the message is to someone I care about.

Frankly, while I am loathe to rank my personal issues, this is by far the worst of my psyche. It not only drives me crazy, but I know it drives the people around me crazy (and I am not just inferring this, it has been mentioned).

I have been told that this is something that can be worked on, corrected. Honestly, I'm not sure HOW. I mean, it's all well and good to say 'don't dwell' or 'stop overanalyzing', but I can't seem to do it. Any thoughts that any of you have would be greatly appreciated.

-SomeRandomDwellingGuy

I know it is driving *me* crazy.



I don't think there is any way to "fix" it. self realization can be perhaps the closest thing to a fix...and forcing yourself to let it go.


let it go.




let it go.





I'm not opening that email.


let. it. go.

It's a good point, but I do realize I dwell. I hate it about myself.

It's that letting things go part that's much much harder to do than say.

Perhaps it is just as easy as, to quote Nike, "Just do it" but I was hoping maybe someone had a trick to get past that initial stage of breaking the habit.

well...I have some ideas. I don't know how obtainable some of the materials are....but.



1) get a medium sized cage.

2) get an angry badger.

3) put angry badger in aformentioned medium sized cage.

4) get a stick.

5) when you feel yourself dwelling, poke it with The Stick.

6) open cage and put your face into the opening.



I bet in a jiffy, you won't dwell on anything. you might even forget what the hell you were talking about mi......

Yeah, where the hell am I going to get a stick?

everyone in my house just said "what's so funny?" in response to my insane laughter.

*cough* you could use the stick you keep up your butt. *cough*

Well, that one is obviously being used for something already, isn't it?

*exhibits perfect posture*

I've been told by one of my friends to "stop apologizing", after I did so every time I thought I did something wrong.

The logic seems to be:

A. Apologizing itself is an annoyance to other people
B. Apologies draw attention to mistakes. If the mistake is not major and does not make the other person visibly agitated, it is unwise to issue an apology.
C. Notice that people rarely apologize to you, even though they (probably) do things that upset/hurt you on a regular basis.

Conclusion:
In the result of major infractions upon you by other parties, perhaps it is best to point out to them how their behavior hurt you (or your productivity in work situations) and what steps you would like them to take to prevent the harmful behavior from continuing in the future. If the people you interact with adopt this behavior, you are freed from the obligation of worrying whether or not your actions warrant an apology. Just keep in mind that after being confronted about a behavior, you must first take actions to ensure that it is not repeated, then apologize.


As for multi-faceted interpretations of dialog:
There are a lot of subtleties under a lot of communication, yet passive aggression is also common. Other people's passive aggression should not be your responsibility, and a lot of the hostile subtext (which by your own admission you analytically search for) is included for the sole purpose of making you feel bad.

By performing this analysis on your interactions, you are inadvertently feeding into their hostilities, especially in cases where the hostility is provoked by external factors (remember: everyone deals with stress, and people can't always direct their responses to their stressors), giving them not only more cognition but more justification for future (and more intentional) passive aggression (clear example: people mentioning to you that it drives them crazy).

Finally, a lot of potential hostility in their messages may not even be intentional on a subconscious level, but rather inherent to the language.


How to deal with this?
Always remember that you are not and cannot be responsible for how others think and respond to you. All you can do is try your best in any given situation, and the reactions of others are entirely out of your control.


Not that that's easy... I've got the same problem that you do.

Your advice is good, and thank you for it. There are some elements of it I can definately use.

I did wan't to point out, though, it's not typically what other people say that I analyze. It is my own words that I dwell upon. In general, what other people say doesn't bother me.

you know they make braces you can use, instead.

I don't know, I hear they're uncomfortable.

I like "dwell", especialy "dwell upon."

But "mull over" and "peruse" are also good.

As far as proverbs go, I'm definitely at the "look before you leap" end,
rather than the "He who hesitates is lost" one.


Point out to folk the hazards of precipitate action.
The world needs more people who react without thinking?
I don't think so.

My mind beats its mental dead horses to the point that all that remains is a bunch of splattered blood and a fraction of a brain.

Sorry, grotesque analogy. But its true. I get sooooo fixated that I can't even work! Just today it happened, and I wasn't able to get some homework done because the obsession was so intense.