Can't go out and have fun because of Social Phobia

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Each time my family plans an outing that sounds exciting, I find myself backing out because of the social anxieties I suffer with. I think having less good social skills than everybody else is actually the thing that makes me anxious too, because I want to talk to people but yet know I'm not able to because of bad social skills, so I've practically got to live a life being aware of what I haven't got.

It's not fair because it is preventing me from going out and enjoying myself, and what's life is you can't enjoy it while you're young? Other people just constantly make me anxious all the time, and I just want to hide away like a hermit, but at the same time I DON'T want to hide away like a hermit, I want to be out there enjoying myself and just wishing I had better social skills to do so. Life's not that fun when you don't have many social skills.

When I go out with my family, they always end up talking to people - even my aunt does, who we all know full well she has Aspie traits and social phobia, and is shy too. But even she can pull her way into a conversation with a stranger, whereas I just sit there stiffly, not knowing quite what to say or how to be, and I'm fed up with being like this. It then makes me feel miserable because I just feel ignored. Not only that, crowds make me anxious. The loud sound of babies makes me anxious. Kids running about and yelling makes me feel anxious. Teenagers are imtimidating, even when they're not doing anything to make me feel intimidated. People (strangers) standing about in my space makes me feel irritable. People walking by me the opposite way makes me feel anxious because I don't know whether to look at them or not, I've always got to keep making sure my eyes are fixed straight ahead which is a bit exhausting after a while, but I don't like to look at people because I don't want to catch them looking at me because it unsettles me and makes me feel self-conscious. But when I'm out at busy places I just feel so overwhelmed with all the people staring at me, because it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong all the time, when I know I'm not, I've got as much right to be there as they have.

Is there any way I could get rid of feeling like this when I'm out, so that I can enjoy myself like I used to be able to as a child? Is there meds I can take that might make me relax a bit more? Because I believe that most of these emotional issues are caused by feeling unrelaxed, and if there was a way I could be able to relax a bit more, I'm sure I'll try whatever it takes to help me enjoy life a bit better. I know nothing will change my social state, but I've been told by many people that the key is to chill out, and I can't seem to learn how to chill out, I don't know how to do it, my social phobia is too severe and I have anxiety issues to top it all off.

<----- Uses beer to chill him out and dark sunglasses to shut out part of the world.

I had a conversation about this yesterday with a NT person who is actually introverted. I thought it would be safe but it didn’t go well. You express it a lot better then I did, so if it’s okay I am going to print what you wrote and let them read it. I have no idea at this time how to change the way I feel so I am afraid I can’t be any help except to say hang in there your not alone.

Cheers.

I live in Essex.

I have had CBT but it hasn't seemed to have helped me at all. I read through the books, but forgot what it said rather quickly and just went back to being my miserable self again. I can't read it over too many times because I get bored and start to not take it in properly (I think I have ADD or something here). I have also had 1 to 1 counselling but that didn't really help either. It seems nothing at all helps, whatever I do, as though my brain is too stubborn to want to change.

Yes, I'm doing voluntary work, and I've done courses like basic skills courses which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I've tried different things by doing work experiences, and I go for a lot of brisk evening walks with my mum now that the summer is here, and I've even forced myself to go out on a Friday evening with my brother and some of his friends (who are nice and friendly to me), so I'm getting out more and talking to different people, which in some ways is helping a little but nothing still gets rid of this horrible depression, anxiety, and pessimistic thinking.

If meds don't help me to even relax, then I don't know what I'm going to do.

Judging from your recent pub experiences, you don't do too badly in social situations. It is also possible to just be shy, to listen and smile and nod a lot. People love to talk, and if you let them go on and on they will probably think you are a great conversationalist. Nod, smile, make intermittent but brief eye contact. Occasionally paraphrase something they just said, which will prove you are listening.

On the negative side, people do go on and on, usually about subjects that won't interest you much. I don't know what it is about me, but I seem to have a message written on my forehead which says "Tell me in excruciating detail about your ceramic cat collection," or something like that. Being a good listener has its drawbacks.

To disengage from such a person, look past them, over their shoulder occasionally. This tells them they are losing your interest and are distracted. If that doesn't work, subtly turn your body slightly away from them. And if that doesn't work, excuse yourself, saying you need to have a word with someone else on an important matter.

Also just watch people and their bodies and what they do. I was watching a couple at the mall once. The guy was talking and gesturing while the woman had her hands on her hips and was refusing to make eye contact. I couldn't help but think "Oh God, is he in trouble!"

I am really sorry to hear this, I wish I could help more

Irish C

Thanks for your replies, I enjoyed reading them.

But I'm talking more about outings with family. My family have booked to go to a concert in London in August, but had to book the tickets in advance yesterday, and I had said no because I wasn't sure, but now I feel like I could kick myself, because it sounds exciting, especially if we are all going as a family (my mum, her sisters and brother, and my cousins and my mum's friend), but now it's too late to suddenly change my mind. But I know that if I had of said yes, I would have wished I had said no, so I can't win with myself really.

The reason why going to London to watch a concert made me feel anxious was because of all the crowds that will be there, and plus it's in the evening so we won't be back 'til way after midnight and I hate being up after midnight, but I suppose that wouldn't matter now because I'll have to wait up anyway, since I find getting to sleep very hard when people aren't in, and if I do fall asleep I get disturbed when people come in and household noises start up (cat miawing, kettle roaring, footsteps banging, people chattering, et cetera). But it's not just that - it's just the fact that there will be so many people at the concert, and crowds make me anxious because of the stares from other people are overwhelming, and if I experience one or two stares from people, it spoils the rest of my time there because I'm always analyzing as to why they stared and trying to tell myself that I look normal like everybody else here, and then I'm so busy thinking about these things that I end up missing what I came to see. This all comes from not being relaxed and not letting myself have a good time. My social phobia and anxieties stop me from having a good time, so I don't know how to chill and just laugh it off.

i am not a big fan of crowds either. go on the wrongplanet chat room, I am there at the moment, username irishcream.

Sorry you are having such a hard time with this. See your psych doc about anxiety meds. Also, everyone is not spending all their time staring at you. It is common for hypersensitive people like us to have a kind of self centered paranoia about stuff like this, believing that people are looking at/talking about/ or thinking about us, even though it is usually not so. I know--been there, done that. Try mirror sunglasses, though. It might help, as even if people were to stare at you, their gaze would just reflect back at them.

Hope my advice helps.

i second questor. Some sound advice there.

Irish C

It is normal for people in your situation to be paranoid and be overwhelmed by the negative worsening thoughts that run through your mind when people stare, and it will ruin your day out and prevent you from having fun. But just one thing to remember, when people look at you, 9 times out of 10 they're not thinking anything. I sometimes find myself looking at someone but not actually thinking anything about the person. In fact I don't even notice who they are, they're just a stranger to me. And usually when people are busy enjoying themselves on an outing with a group of their mates or family, they don't really notice what other people are doing. I'm neurotypical and I can even say that. I actually went to London last week with a group of friends and I didn't spend all my time staring at other people who might look shy or nervous or whatever. I was just enjoying myself so much that all the crowds of people just rolled into one big blur (not literally) and because it was so busy where we went to, I was too excited to take any notice of anyone. I probably looked at people as I passed but not thought anything of them because I was too busy thinking about where we have to go and what we're doing next. London is a big place with lots of people, so you're likely to get lost if you're not paying attention to what you're doing.

So the next time you're at a busy place with lots going on and lots of people and noise and kids, just remember that other people are having too much fun to worry about who you are. They've come out for something to do, just like you have. Anyway, are you THAT noticeable? I bet I pass a lot of Aspies or people with other mental conditions and I don't immediately know and point them out and go ''oh that person's weird!'' I don't take any notice, unless they're doing something signifficantly unusual, but I read from your other posts that you know how to present yourself normal like everyone else, so what's the problem? You blend in fine, I bet you do!

There is one thing I'm glad about though, is that I am not too honest. Sometimes I have slipped out something what I should have kept quiet, but everybody sometimes does that, but I'm talking about in general, I am not too honest. Like the place where I used to volunteer at is literally falling apart (not people's relationships or finances of the business, I mean literally the building is falling apart), so the people who are there have to work at one end and be careful not to go in the area where the floor is likely to collapse inwards. But I spoke to one person who still works there and knows me from when I used to work there, and he said to me that they are going to be permanently moving to another building because the company is not going to pay to get it repaired. So I was like, ''aww, that's a shame it's going to be moving, I like it at that end of the town''. But then I spoke to another person on the bus who still works there, and she said a different thing, she said that they're going to stay there and the company is going to just repair it, and she never said anything about moving or was going to move or anything, and I heard these two stories in the same week. But, what I'm glad about myself of is, I didn't act like I knew too much. I didn't say, ''oh but [name] said.....'', I just said, ''oh, right, that'd be OK then.'' Because, you never know, they might still be moving but she might of not wanted many people who don't work there to know. Or they both might have been told two different things. I don't know, but I know best not to get involved really. Sometimes to ''play stupid'' is the best way sometimes, just pretending you don't know. That way you don't get questionned, like ''who told you that?'', ''how do you know?'', ''you don't work there any more, it isn't really any of your business!'' Or by being too honest you could've spoiled a secret organisation they might of had.

So anyway, I'm glad I know when to not be too honest. I don't think many Aspies have that ability.

Im the same, always saying no to family outings and social gatherings because of social anxiety, I declined going on a holiday my entire family is going on in a couple of weeks to spain because I know that I just wouldnt be able to handle going out to the bars and restaurants with them in the evening and watching the entertainers etc. Also ended up not going to an old friends wedding this year because of it (knew him since I was 3, havent seen him in a couple of years but I still felt terrible for not going). You are definately not alone no matter how much you think you are (I feel that way a lot too btw, but just by reading other peoples experiences here its obvious Im not).

If you just want the edge to be taken off there are things you can be prescribed, beta blockers like propranolol block your adrenaline receptors, which cause the fight or flight response in the brain. People take them for stage fright in that respect but they are also prescribed for general anxiety. Then there are benzodiazipines like diazepam, but doctors are wary of prescribing them as they can be addictive. You can buy etizolam on ebay, which is like a benzodiazipine, but has a different structure, I take these occasionally when things get rough. They are not scheduled in this country which is why you can get them so easily, they are imported from india where they are available over the counter in pharmacies due to their lax drug policies. They are actually a thienodiazipine which is said to make them "less" addicting, but Im still very careful with them and only take them very very rarely or when i HAVE to go to a social engagement that I do not wish to. Then there are SSRIs like escitalopram which are what are usually prescribed by doctors now for anxiety.
Then of course there is good old alcohol )

I really do know how it feels though, reading your posts feels like someone stole my internal monologue and put it down in words most of the time