Have I never really had any friends?

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Hello everyone, I'm new to this site and (s)trolling passed the different forums and just had to ask this as it's been on my mind for years.

You see, like some may recognize, I've pretty much always only had 1 friend at a time, coasting along on their group of friends for activities and spending pretty much the entire day together the rest of the time with here and there a day where my friend does something with one of his friends or a "cool off" day in general. I've had five of these over the years, swapping pretty much every time I progressed through school, with my last friendship ending 4 years ago.

I've been "pretty lucky" with these friends in terms of them being the most popular kid in class/school every time, so I've never been picked on and had a "normal" life and a "longterm" girlfriend, but maybe the bad dark side of it, left with the idea I myself was socially strong. Till age 20-21 I've been in my own "view on the world bubble", I literally thought you could look at a classroom of teenagers and by their "success" at that moment see what kind of future they would have. Like in those movies where some people go back or forth in time and the blond hot chick is a model and the rich kid is now some lifestyle snob and the nerd is now a rich company boss with that earlier blond hot chick as wife, you know the deal.

It's hard for me to talk about this, because somehow I feel all of my friendships were fake, at least from my side, because I truly manipulated the process a lot to a point you could call me a stalker. To use it a last time, like in some movie about a nerdy kid who decides to become friends with the rich pretty boy in school and does this scientifically by observing and learning and then making his move by being in the right place at the right time saying the right thing. Of course you may say it doesn't work that way and a lot of other factors may play in the entire process, but for me, I did it like that. Understanding, without trying to offend anyone, if I was most "social awkward" kid in school my "masterplans" may not have worked.

Looking back now of course I could theorize I was used as some kind of bodyguard as I've always been the "don't fight with that kid" kid, (another scheme of never actually having to fight but carefully here and there hinting to things that make think people I somehow will fword you up), of course I'm big and strong too, and did martial arts. And as a cheatsheet, I personally learned quickly school doesn't test your knowledge on a subject, but just what they want you to know, which many times is wrong too, so I mastered helping people cheat and did so willingly in those subjects that worked that way. I'm pretty smart and school never posed a challenge for me. Or as a moneytree, as I started working early on (in my idea that all rich successful people did so too; the newspaper giant started by selling newspapers on the corner and the building tycoon started by helping his uncle carry bricks) and gladly bought everyone I knew stuff, and I would easily spend 300 euros a month buying people in my class stuff from the vending machines and "snackbar" at school as a 14-15 year old boy. And I always wanted to do what my friend wanted to do, I didn't fake that, because if I can't sit behind my computer I don't care whatever crappy thing we do . Plus I'm real polite and well spoken, so it's pretty much like having a perfect robot friend around who does whatever you want, whenever you want it.

That being said of course we always did spend a whole lot of time together outside of school, and went I went on vacation with theirs families, familybirthdays, sleep over a lot, that sort of thing. Almost like a relation rather than a friendship, if you know what I mean. A friendship normally only teen girls can have, haha. Whoa, I mean without the "experimenting" then, I've always been sure I've been hetero, and having put it like that I now feel have to mention I don't see what orientation someone has should matter in any thing other than clearly who they like to fword, with the exception of pedophiles and bestiality of course, jeez what a hole am I digging for myself here.


Anyway I see I'm starting to lose track so let's make this short;
When are two people friends? With all my friends I've had this moment of "philosophizing deep into the night" during a sleepover and I always asked "Do you think we'll stay friends forever"/"Should we make a pact to stay friends forever", and they never said yes, but always the "you don't know what the future brings". That's the moment I open myself up to find another/better friend, which happens rather quick sometimes because I was already in a new school/class due to natural progress, and sometimes I "sat it out" for a year. With my very last friend I had a different kind of falling out, so I'm wondering whether I should/can contact him again because the friendship was real and we just need to talk out the issue. Whether that issue is fixable or not is another point, and I may bring it up later on in this thread to get advice on that, but I'm wondering if there's an actual friendship relation basis rather than a "butler"/"cheerleader" relation.

Looking back, I never had or really needed any friends. I did try and hang around people to force myself into wanting friends but in the end I couldn't handle it.