Thanking people

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Hello,

I was wondering if anyone had any tips on the correct way to thank people. I hate receiving gifts, having someone treat me to dinner (or even a soda) or having people do things for me. I used to say "thanks" casually and this has offended some people because it wasn't enough. So then I started overdoing it and thanking people too profusely. I think this made people uncomfortable too. Nowadays I usually overthink how much to thank someone and end up.... not thanking them at all, which I know isn't the right answer... It just seems like there's too much to figure out and factor in. How well do I know this person, how big of a sacrifice did they make to give me something, am I expected to return the favor... etc. I especially don't know how to react if someone gives me a present I hate. I know I should thanik them for the gift anyway, because "it's the thought that counts" but I just can't seem to get it right. Has anyone else had a similar situation? Anyone have any tips? I hate the idea of Christmas coming up - all those gifts to thank people for. I could really use some advice.

Thanks.

I know what you mean. I have that problem too. I realized that since I can't tell how much is too much (of a response) or too little, a simple "thank you, I really appreciate it," or "Thank you, this means a lot to me," is all I'll say. Since I can't read the expression on the person's face, anyway, it's no use hoping that it was sufficient! I recently received a very generous gift from a woman who has counseled me over the phone for two years. I had no trouble thanking her profusely, because I was so happy with the gift, it came naturally. But that doesn't always happen. Hope this helps!

I think I could give that a try. Having one set script seems like a good idea; now the trick is to not let it sound rehearsed. Oh well.

I used to be worse at this than I am now. I improved with practice.

You might reference something that you like, find interesting, or find helpful about what you received.

Smile. I fail to see how moving your face like that makes people think that you are thanking them more, but it does.

Personally, I've found "Oh, thank you very much, I appreciate that" seems to work for most people.

when it's casual, i just 'thanks' or 'cheers'. when i mean for it to be sincere, i say: thank you. because people don't seem to do that a lot.

I hate xmas, but birthdays are worse. Having a rehersed line is a good idea, "Thanks, this is awesome." or "O, now that is cool, thanx alot." and practice it, use different inflections. However I find the rehersed line doesn't work at family events and I really want to show my family that it does mean somthing to me that they care. In those cases I've found that if you just mention a trait of the gift or some way you can use it, "O, that frame will look good on my wall.", "These socks are soft.", "I like that color." or just ask a question about the gift, "Where did you get it?", "Is that all cotton?". You simply making the effort to take an interest in the gift will give them the sense that they are important to you and it shouldn't require to much extra.

I think of them like madlib conversations, "That is a nice X.", "Where did you find Y.", "O, I needed a C, where did you find it?" And practice, practice, practice. Say thankyou in a dozen different inflections, put together a list of positive adjectives that you can add to statements about things. What meaning people take from your words has as much to do with the words as it does with you demenor and body language and if you are confident the lines and actions you have rehersed for any given situations then others with sense that and natureally respond.

Good luck to all of use at this most stressful time of the year.

I've always found it hard to fake thank you's when I have received a trully horrid gift, but its the thought that counts!

Scripting everything... using fill in the blank scripts that have preselected, well designed, multipurpose options... has totally saved my arse in just about every situation I would have otherwise had difficulty navigating. They are probably the most important reference tools I own. I have been building, collecting, and using scripts my whole life and I very rarely come across as anything but normal and natural. I work with professors and professionals who are in the psychology field and even they tend to forget that I have AS until I mention how hard I have to work at what comes so naturally for them. I try to predict as much as I can and reherse anything that seems likely to come up in a conversation or situation. The only thing that really determines whether I am successful or not is how big the script library is that I have built for myself. It's huge and still growing. That's why I seem to do so well. Mind you, having AS makes it hard -but not impossible- to learn social skills and strategies. It can be very, very hard at times but the more practice you have, the more oportunities to practice that you take on, the more often you force yourself into challenging situations, the more likely you are to succeed in the future when you really have to do something and something really important is at stake. Getting that job, that loan, that offer, that response. Socializing is most definitely a system. People are like programs with a shared and standardized language. Contrary to what the "culture of victismization" would have us believe, Aspies can be social programmers and very good at what they do. Emotions and expressions are often informative to some extent but unreliable none the less. There are better ways of getting the information we require to communicate more effectively. We just need to use our own methods rather than the average methods to get it. Find your most effective coping method and then master it. You will find a better life is waiting for you when you do. There is no cure for AS but the symptoms and side effects can be controlled... by each of us as individuals. We should be using our abilities to combat our disabilities not using our disabilities as an excuse to leave our abilities unused.

Try to make your "thank you" statements proportional with what the person gave you. For instance, if they simply brought you a glass of water, you can say "thanks" without much emotion. If they gave you something nice or expensive, you can say "thank, this is nice". And if they helped you finish a difficult and/or important project, you can say "thank you, I really appreciate it". In the last case, if the person spent a lot of time and effort to help you, offer to buy them a simple treat, such as a six-pack of beer or a bottle of wine.