Help with a AS floormate

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Hello, WrongPlanet-ers.

I found this forum when searching for Asperger's syndrome support, I hope you guys can help me out a bit. I don't have A.S., but since moving into college I've been dealing with a kid on the floor who does. I'm really conflicted about the interactions we've been having, so I'd like to talk to someone who can see things a bit more from his perspective. I apologize for listing myself as "family member with Asperger's," I'm not sure why there isn't a "friend with Asperger's" option.

I guess I should enumerate the issues.

1. He doesn't hear what's said to him, but reprimands others for not listening. I have had conversations that went back-and-forth, where he asked the same question three times in a row as if I wasn't answering him. It's not like he's losing focus, the issue occurs even when the answer is a simple "yes" or "no". If he has to answer my question twice, the second time comes with a lecture. As a person with Asperger's or a family member of one, what tends to help communication in this respect?

2. He takes everything personally. Case-in-point: If I ask him to leave my room when I need to do homework the response is an exasperated "Okay!," followed by about five minutes of gathering his things in the slowest manner possible and then trudging out like I just asked him to go mop the floor. The normal phrasing is "Hey, I need to get some homework done, can you go back to your room for now?". Is there something I could do to make this less offensive in his eyes?

3. There's no filter on his conversation. I can understand this completely, since it's well-known that social norms are often hard for people with autism to grasp. The issue comes when he reveals rather disturbing thoughts. For instance, he's proven himself to be an intense sexist, but just tunes out those who try to explain that he's objectifying women. In a more serious case, he keeps bringing up his relationship problems, then telling me a story so full of holes that a Dan Brown fan would scoff at it. Long story short, he brings up serious problems and then won't discuss them, does anyone have a suggestion as to how I might get through to him here?

Anyway, thanks for your time. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I don't want to take this apparent obnoxiousness as a slap in the face, but it's getting harder and harder, and his bad attitude is starting to get to me.

Why do you want to maintain a relationship with an "intense sexist"? That isn't a symptom of Asperger's syndrome.

He's a sexist because girls wouldn't talk to him in high school, in fact, most males won't talk to him. I honestly feel bad for him being so isolated, and I'd like to help him meet people, but he's not willing to accept (or even hear) the advice. Now that he's in college, and no one knows him, he's been talking to every girl he sees because he sees them as sex objects. I've tried to explain how degrading this is, and how he'd have much better luck if he tried to see them as human beings, but he persists.

Edit: And to be completely honest, I don't really want to maintain a relationship with him. I want to be supportive and help him find friends who actually share his interests. We have nothing in common, but he's clung to me since he found out that I'm Jewish (he tends to identify by race first, religion second, and name third, another thing that gets on my nerves).

Yep, I have an aspie friend who doesn't listen very often. Too busy in his own head. Just how it is. Try to accept it (my friend is in his 50s; yours is unlikely to grow out of this.) As for his lectures to you, you should feel free to walk away if they're too long or strident. Then forget about it and start fresh (not mad) the next time you see him.


Probably not. Being more subtle is unlikely to get your request across. Just continue to state your boundaries in a clear neutral manner. You're not responsible for inappropriate responses to reasonable requests. He seems to get over it; right?


OK, if he is saying something offensive, such as the sexist stuff; you don't have to entertain such by listening, you can and perhaps should just walk away. I assume you have already told him what you think about that stuff and there's no profit in repeating. Again, he will get over it (being walked out on).
As for him bring up serious problems then not being willing to discuss them: If you are really interested in discussing these issues with him; perhaps you might remark; First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. If he won't go there don't waste your time or attention. No one will start working on problems until they're ready. You don't need to be dragged down any dark holes just because someone wants to aimlessly talk about dark stuff. You can walk away.

Mostly, folks with Aspergers are like anyone else. If you want to be friends with this guy, take him as is, just like anyone else. It's helpful to understand anyone's weak areas when relating to them, so it's commendable that you've sought some insight here. Use your common sense in this relationship just as you would in any other. (I have many aspies in my life; some are great friends, others are pleasant acquaintances and two of them; I avoid.) I hold everyone accountable for reasonable behavior for the most part, regardless of their neurological or psychological condition. If you can work out a friendship out with this guy; great. If not, leave it alone, it's a big world of people for all of us.

95% of young males see women as sex objects (and the other 5% are gay and see men as sex objects) -- most of them are just better at covering it up and lying about their true motives.


You can't find people friends. There's some strange law of nature that forbids it.

This is by far the best advice I've seen about this!

Having said that, I wanted to add my own two cents. I am an Aspie, and I have found over the years that what Mountain Laurel is advising to be what works. I once had to room in the same boarding house with an Aspie male. We shared a kitchen with the other roomers, and he would corner whomever came into the kitchen and start a monologue. The only way to get away from him was to just walk away. No amount of courtesy, polite reminders of the time, ect. would put a dent in his talking. Also, he would initiate discussions of personal issues. I would sometimes talk with him, but usually if he brought up something inappropriate, I would say that it was inappropriate and walk away. Once I flat out asked him not to talk to me as I had a headache. He got huffy and held a grudge for a few days, but that was all. Once he walked out of the shower with only a very threadbare towel wrapped around him and tried to start conversations with anyone passing by. It was kinda funny when that person would race into their room and hastily lock the door.

Hey. I don't know how it is for aspies but I have this problem. In reference to number one I ask the same question over and over. Not sure why. It just seems like the answer does not come out in the right order. I have no way other way of answering. It is not that I am not listening. It is that the answer is very strange to me.

Well, first of all, although it may not be a focus issue, it could be, even with a "yes or no" question. You'd be surprised how quickly focus can shift to something else - at least, I know any plot bunny (I'm a writer) that runs across my mind is enough to destroy my focus, and my mind is always humming. And it could be a processing rather than focusing issue - my hearing is fine, in a physical sense, but background noises can make it impossible for me to hear what's being said to me, because I can't filter out the speech directed at me from the background noise. Other stimuli can distract me badly enough I couldn't catch a single word.

I have, specifically and literally, asked a question with a one word answer, then missed the answer because my mind shot off in another direction. So I think you simply don't understand how easy that can be, at least for some of us.

As for lecturing others on this - hypocrisy doesn't seem to be specifically an NT or an Aspie trait. It seems to be common to many humans. We laugh when we hear a father yelling, "You stupid little @#$!, how many times have I told you not to swear?" - but it happens. And hypocrites often don't notice that's what they're doing. I think that accepting we're doing this is harder for most Aspies than it is for others, because at least my experience is that we get confused more easily, and so learn to reject what we're told by others, because they don't seem to know what they're talking about. (When I was six, I figured out the vet my parents were taking my kitten to was a monster - because I heard all the other animals crying out. They said, "Well, he takes care of sick and hurt animals, so that's all that is. My kitten died. After I lost a second cat, a few years later, I learned that this vet hated small animals. More then forty years later, what happened to my poor cat in that hellhole still haunts me. And I could list many other experiences - the point is, that we learn to assume others don't know what they're talking about, because in enough cases, that's actually true, because we're figuring out things they can't. Which leads to a lot of confusion.)



Been there. Very simply, when you can't figure out all the various cues, so you don't know what other people are thinking, and enough people treat you badly enough, you figure just about anything means that somebody's dumping on you. I got confused enough once to apologise when someone thanked me for something although that was a time when I was really reeling to begin with.

And when you're that strongly disposed to see everyone as attacking you, there isn't much you can do about any individual instance. It takes a lot of time, a lot of being treated more kindly, to start to let go of it. I still find myself wondering "What did they mean by that? Were they putting me down?" sometimes, and I've come a loooooooong way.



I'm not saying sexism is right, but I actually think I understand where he's coming from. It takes us longer to figure out anyone is actually a human being. The first creature I actually recognised as a fellow creature who thought and felt was a cat. It took me until eighth grade to begin to suspect other people were more than cryptic figures I was supposed to pretend were just like me. And society does teach a lot of sexist attitudes - look at advertising. The subtle message is, buy -whatever it is- to get a beautiful woman into your bed. When you're already struggling to figure things out, you absorb that without even knowing it, and it takes a lot longer then you might think to sort it all out - especially since we're trying to sort out a lot of other things at the same time. I'm not saying it's right - just that I understand how it can happen.

I read the entire thread, and I noticed your comments that he tends to react to people based on race, religion, etc. I mostly avoided that trap - because my father (who was probably an undiagnosed Aspie, but since he grew up in the 1920s...) was such a raving bigot. But, sadly, some of seem to have a tendency toward a certain rigid thinking that can make this seem to make sense.

(I actually might have gravitated toward you if I heard you were Jewish - but not for the obvious reason. Growing up, I had a sort of instinctive sympathy for people who got persecuted, and I also had an obsession with World War Two which started when I heard stories when I was very young of my great-gran coming through London during the start of the Blitz. So I felt an automatic sympathy toward anyone Jewish; yes, it is a bit simplistic, but it was sort of an instinct to take shelter with a fellow victim of persecution. Now that I know I'm on the spectrum, it's funny to realise that, had I lived in Nazi Germany, they would have had two reasons to round me up - I was born with ocular albinism - and yet, at that time, I didn't even guess I actually might have wound up in one of those camps. Yet, on some level, I felt it.)

So many great responses to this post!

Starkid; right?

Apple: true dat. On both counts.

Hartz; thanks.

Wanderer; just wow. Your clearly illustrated and frank explanations are a revelation to me.

When I lived in the dorm of my university it was one of the saddest lowest loneliest points of my life. I was so unique I may as well had been from Mars. Yes, suicide was an option. I never bothered anyone with my problems, though. I guess I was the complete opposite of your floor mate. Kinda strange. As an aspie I would never inflict my issues on others. Maybe there's something else going on, like a narcissistic type disorder.

Wow, thank you all for the detailed and thoughtful responses. I won't say I'm eager to try them out, but I certainly hope that some of these tactics will help me deal with some of the issues when the need arises. I will try harder to contain myself when he misses the answer to his own question, and to simply ignore it when he reacts poorly. I'm kind of overwhelmed by the number of responses, the depth of experience here is awesome.

I guess I worded one thing wrong - I don't want to find friends for him, I want to encourage him to branch out, because I'm certain that there are people on campus who would find more common ground with him than me. I would never try to set him up with someone, that can only end badly.

As I was typing this he walked in, had a reasonable conversation with me, responded eloquently to the points I made, and then left of his own volition. The difference? He just came back from exercising. This is a fascinating development. I'll keep this thread updated.

I really like the idea of keeping this thread updated, Charple.

I was posting on another thread which somehow seems a bit relevant to this issue.

I am neurotypical (NT) and have a number of "aspie" friends and associates, so I have a sense of Aspie/NT dynamics. But every once in while I get glimpse into how those of us in the NT population "get" intuitively (without any work or effort) what those on Autism Spectrum have learn, remember and struggle in-the-moment to apply behaviorally.

You, perhaps, may perceive in the thread I link below, how my simplistic posts contrast to the posts of the writers who have real insight into the struggles & step by step efforts required for those on the spectrum to cope with day-to-day interactions. (See, especially GlobalWolf's & LogicalMom's posts. Plus LordExiron's for true comic relief.)

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4950025 ... t=#4950025

in addition to what has been said before, it is possible that he actualld doesn't hear what you said, i do not know if he also has sensory integration problems (mainly for sounds in this situation), but if he does, there will be so much noise around him at the same percieved volume as the voices around him, even other conversations several feet away, that it is needed to actively focus on someone to hear what he/she is saying, if he is unaware you are talking to him, he likely wont focus to save energy, and therefor wont hear you. (compare this to talking to a friend on a train station, with a cargo train driving past at 3 feet away)


i think you shouldn't, he will have to learn that that is the way the world works.
perhaps you can try explaining to him, once or twice, that you are not trying to be rude, but your normal phrasing should be good enough to not be offencive


on the topic of objectifying women, i think the only real option is to have some women to explain things to him, he likely wont listen to men on this topic.
this will likely be strengthened by the fact that in his high-school years, he might have had a lot of "advice" from his male classmates that ended up hurting him badly, to such an extend that he concluded that men are selfish jerks that want all girls to themselves, and therefor do all they can to prevent him from becoming a 'compatitor'

Tell him he's being an idiot and you want to help. Yes be that blunt. With us aspies (assuming he actually has that), we take things literally. So if you tell him you want to help him but he's being an idiot and missing a grand opportunity, then it may change his mind. And being patient if he does admit he wants help will be huge. It will be an uphill battle and he has to be willing to accept the help given. I would just start slow though and build up with it. But just remember, that if you are upfront with him, and tell him you want to help but he has to accept it, it may make a difference. If he doesn't accept I would find another roommate. Yes I'm being harsh but having AS is no excuse for being totally rude all the time. That's what worked for me and helped me to get better.