So......Now What?

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I have Asperger's. I've been exploring the possibility of this and other possible causes over the last six years, but this is the one that fits. I also have crippling depression caused by my loneliness and unabated by any combination of drugs and/or therapy to date.

I am a 29 year old male. Never been on a single date. Never had a friendship that didn't quickly fall apart. Tend to get used. Intelligent, kind, gentle, giving, Willing to give almost anything to anyone that has need, not because I'm trying to buy their friendship but because it really does make me happy to help them. Considerate and polite to the point that it surprises most people in my age group and younger. But for some reason my cat has more social ability than me.

It's not from lack of trying. I have read, and researched, and practiced these past years. I've put myself in situations to be around people. I now work in a call center, talking to dozens of customers a day, with almost a thousand co-workers, many of whom are really awesome people whom I want to get to know and many who have even approached me. And I try, I really do, I'm friendly, I ask questions, I show interest(genuine). But there is never any spark of connection and they soon realize this and give up. It's always the same whether co-worker, random stranger, or close family, never that feeling of connection, that energy between two people that will bring them back together again and again. I am never invited, my own invitations are always politely declined, and my family has stopped asking me over for most holidays.

I'm not looking for people to like me. I'm not searching for social acceptance. I just want to have a few people to feel a close connection to, to care about and feel like they care too. I know those things never start that way, it has to grow to that level. But I can't even get the first step, the first little, tiny connection. So here I am, facing the next two days off from work, the loneliest part of my week, and hoping someone out there might have some thoughts or ideas that I can try. Cause I've run out. I can keep it going, even being lonely, if I just have some hope that things will get better. But I starting to run low on that.

Any ideas? Taking any suggestions, crazy, weird, or anything else.

the best way of finding connection is to find a common interest.
yes, it is possible to find that on the workplace, by chance, but you will have an easier time finding connections if you bing yourself to the interest.
for example, if you truly like comic books; you can try out each of your hundreds of coworkers, hoping to find another one, or you can join the comic book club and suddenly have a few dozen comic book fans in the same room/building, that is at least 1 common factor you can use to connect.

My best advice for this is try Meetup.com. At least if you go to one there is already a common thread. Try OkCupid and poke around without expecting anything, you never know what you'll find

The advice I've gotten before is to be interested in the person, putting yourself before others. People can quickly seem to tell if someone is just acting. Nothing against you, though, cause I believe differently, but unfortunately the only way to get your foot in the door is let them talk about themselves. Friendships need to grow slowly, things that seem to go to quickly, and the flame burns out quicker, so to speak. I have been in your shoes. In the past, I'd get so lonely, it seems all I did was cry about it. Gut-wrenching, breaking pieces of my heart off, crying. Then, I pretty much said screw it and become friends with myself first.

Though, aspies have trouble reading body language, NTs do notice how you hold yourself and if you seem insecure, etc. And I understand that it seems at first, you find someone who talks to you, then if seems like all the sudden they lost interest. I get that all the time, even at the health club that I go to. But they have their own lives clogging their minds. Most people are self-absorbed and rather talk about themselves, than listen to what you have to say. What I keep saying is, true friendships are rare and in-between.

I'm just like you, when I get a friend, I want to talk to them all the time and it just doesn't work that way. You gotta let them come around. Just like building a house, it takes pieces, bit by bit to build a relationship in anyway. It's give and take.

I'm fortunate that I have a neighbor/friend that I can practice social skills on, and so far it's going well. I am just like you, you know, personality-wise, and I've become a guardian over him, when he is in trouble or depressed or needs someone to talk to, I'm here.

So, to sum it up: become friends with yourself first, and most people wanna talk about themselves. It's ok to be giving, as long as they are reciprocating. Just watch out for those type that keep "bumming" things. Like yesterday, I was walking toward an appointment, and a student started asking directions. He seemed friendly, we did some small talk, like "I'm adopted" and "so am I", "wow, kewl, where are you from" and then he went on, wanted to make friends.... but then he started saying "could you help me get on the bus?" and that's when I knew.. "sorry I dont have money or anything"... if he really had wanted to go to the OSU university, in the time he stood there yapping, he coulda walked, it wasn't that far. Lazy ass bums. Just gotta watch yourself and look for the alarms.

Oh my gosh. I SO relate to your post, and you are NOT alone. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I've never been in a serious relationship and have difficulty keeping friends. I think people see me as inferior because of my inherent presence. I'm very kind but not everyone can see it. I've unofficially been working on social skills training for the last four years, and while what I've learned helps me like myself more, it doesn't improve my connection with others. Or it hasn't yet.

I just realized that I may have Asperger's (and I initially started posting here because I thought my parents have it, and then saw it in myself). Did you recently realize it as well? How are you feeling about realizing that? It's nice to have an explanation for everything, but it's also shaken me to the core.

I think you hit the nail on the head, no matter how hard we try to get it right, if that organic energy of connection is missing, we're not going to have that much luck. I completely relate to my own invitations being declined. I hate that look on the other person's face when you know they're thinking about how to gently let you down.

You completely and totally deserve to have meaningful connections, though it's easier said than done. Here's my advice, though I really don't have a big success story for you:

I think RageHQ is right. Start by being completely focused on the other person. If and when the other person reciprocates, that's a tell that this person may be interested and worth getting to know.

Also, you talked about not being able to create that energy of connection. I noticed (and this is weird) that the more I incorporate regular exercise in my life, the more energy I have, and the more energy I'm able to put into conversations. I honestly notice a correlation between how much I work out and how people respond to me.

Lastly, I started paying attention to people who I noticed are extremely good at connecting with others (and who I genuinely like and relate to). I have found that observing these people helps me pick up their energy and incorporate it into conversations. Do you have anyone who fits this bill for you?

Good luck this weekend- let us know how it goes.
Oh and lastly, my cat actually has similar social skills to me. He avoids everyone except for me and walks around stiff as a board. When he sees me, he relaxes and has no problem hugging me with his paw. It makes me feel special when he does that, and I would love to feel that way in the presence of another person.

Yeah. It's hard. The social skills that let you seem "normal" in ordinary social situations don't seem to translate to real bonding. I'm not sure how you get those kinds of skills.

As someone who has managed to blend with NTs for a while, I think we are too hard on ourselves. Socialization isn't as mystical as many of us think. The problem is that no matter how positive a relationship, we always feel like we're on the outside.

I have a group of about 6 friends I currently socialize with outside of classes. We are close, but I still feel that I am somehow the "weakest link" (i.e. least essential to the group and least liked). I know it's not true, but until I can accept that I am now able to do a very convincing "normal" act, I'll always feel like an outsider.