I can't make any friends. Advice needed.

Post Reply New Topic

Hey there. If anyone wants to read my rant and offer some advice, I would be really happy.

I really have a difficult time making friends. I feel like I'm trying enormously hard to socialize with people, but I know I'm really not, compared to other people. It feels like there's a psychological barrier in my way.

So, when I'm at school, when there's time to socialize, I look around the room, survey people I like, and wish I could talk to them. The thing is, they're over there, doing their own thing with other people. I could deliberately walk up and try to say something, but what? I feel like I would just be unwanted, and I never really have anything to say. In one particular class the people who sit by me often talk, and I wish I could join in and have an actual conversation. All I can do is drop comments here and there on their conversation. I don't know, I can't initiate anything. I'm filled with anxiety at the prospect of trying to interact with these people, a prospect that is always in my head. I generally have a hard time greeting people, because I'm so nervous and I worry that my greeting will be unwanted, or come out as unenthusiastic, or they're busy talking to someone else and I don't want to interrupt because then they'll ignore me.

There's this one guy I talked to for a span of months, because we had some common interests, but now it feels that I have nothing to talk about with him. Nothing interesting to say.

So how can I find something to talk about with people that that they'll actually be interested in? How can I approach them in an acceptable manner, without making a fool out of myself when I have nothing of substance to say?

Obviously, there are self-confidence issues at play here, but I can't just give myself confidence. I've built up a highly sophisticated reflexive defense system that makes me afraid and unsure of myself, but if I didn't have that system, I might just end up making a fool out of myself, like I did back when I was less inhibited.

So, yeahh. Just a big stream of consciousness there. I know it's hard to offer advice when there's no specific question, just a rant, but try your best, and I'll be thankful.

You sound exactly like me about three years ago. My social skills got better (although they are still not great) after I started hanging out with Asian exchange students in college. I guess the learning curve was smaller when I was talking to them, because they were all working on improving their English and I was working on improving my conversation skills, so neither of us left the other one in the dust. Plus, they really wanted to talk to me, since a lot of American students won't take time out of their busy schedules to talk to exchange students. Also, we usually could find something to talk about, since I am interested in Asian cultures and they were all interested in American culture.

Eventually, I came up with a list of possible conversation topics that I can use in lots of different situations:
Clothes- "I like your shirt." or "Where did you get your shoes?"
School/Community/Social events- "Did you go to the ball game? How did it turn out?" (Even though I don't like sports, this still gives the other person a chance to talk and lets them know I want to talk to them.)
Family- "How is your grandmother doing?" or "Does your sister like her new job?"
Comments about anything in the immediate environment- "I love those trees over there. The leaves are beautiful." or "I wonder why they decided to paint that wall that way." (Basically, these are your talk-about-the-weather sort of conversations)
Current events- "Did you here about that football player who died the other day? That is so sad."

Ok, so I admit some of these conversation starters aren't so great. I still have trouble keeping conversations going sometimes, but I figure it is only 50% my responsibility. The other 50% belongs to the other person, so if neither of us can keep the conversation going, then it is okay to sit in silence for a while.

How old are you, approximately?

Learning conversation skills takes some time. Mine were really bad until the age of 21, and I still have to work on them.

I can't give any general advice, but if you actively try, that's already a good start.

I am in my mid 30's i face same issues.

But now i have stopped trying. The whole point is that we cannot understand social cues
and neither can we hold conversation.

My best bet is to wait for someone to come up and talk with me
Usually i find someone who does that
In my office there are 36 of us working as one team
but none of them talk with me except one colleague
who left the job now due to health reasons.
so yes you need to wait for that one person who can understand you

^
what a way to live a life.

Maybe join a school sports or debating team. Good way to mix with people since your all concentrated on doing the one thing.

Also, join a local youth community group. They always do fun and exciting things.

If your not too fusy about religion, maybe consider joining a church that has a lot of people in the same age group as you.

There's tons of ways to make friends!

I've pretty much decided that I don't want anything to do with people who aren't into gaming culture.
Otherwise we would have barely anything in common and I tend to get really bored and just try to find the quickest way out.
I've met a lot of different people this entire year and 90% of them were like stale bread for me.

I know that probably sounds pretty arrogant/close minded, but it's just what it is.
And I'm not some basement dwelling troll who's 24/7 on his computer, lol no.
I just get the feel of excitement when talking about my interest! It would be like the highlight of a conversation for me! ^w^

So basically this year was kind of a big development for me (like every year at this age haha)
I can't make friends with people who aren't remotely interested in gaming so I just have to learn to accept that!

I'm 16.

Maybe join a school sports or debating team. Good way to mix with people since your all concentrated on doing the one thing.

Sports is a definite no. I could join the debate team, and I'm sure I'd be good at debating, but I've never had any luck making friends at clubs, either. Part of the problem is that no one in my school wants anything to do with me. They just tend to leave me alone completely. Maybe I could turn things around, but...

If your not too fusy about religion, maybe consider joining a church that has a lot of people in the same age group as you.

I went to a church youth group for a long time, and all the people there were really nice, but I never connected with anyone, never made any friends... part of me wants to go back, actually, because the people were so nice. But I've become a (closet) atheist in the last year, so it just wouldn't feel right. You know what, I may end up going back anyway and faking it.

Anyway, my social difficulties follow me around wherever there are people I'm not close to, so it'll be a challenge no matter where I go.

I have the same problem, I get really nervous around peolpe and don´t know how too join a discussion, what too say, when it´s time to stop talking. When I get nervous I tend to talk fast and a lot. Especially if someone mention one of my special interests. I am going on a course next year with other aspies where they teach how to talk to other people, what to say, how too get the conversation going. I live in Sweden, I don´t know if other countries offer courses like that.