Cutting a close friend loose

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For the past 8 years, I was friends with a very sweet person who is about my age and we had a great time together. In fact, another family member of mine invited them to come to Disney World with us two years in a row during the holiday seasons. I also love this friend very much.

At the same time, there were too many red flags in this situation and so I finally told them that it wasn't a good idea to be friends anymore.

1. They were an only child and in addition to having certain disabilities that were a lot more severe than mine. Because of that, their parents let them get away with things including not listening when someone set boundaries.
IE- They would call my house line multiple times every night and I had asked them not to do that which they agreed. They also started sending several texts most recently when they got the chance and they would constantly harass me by text in asking me where I was when I had plans with other people and I was busy.

2. The relationship was somewhat one-sided where I would be the one inviting my friend to things and yet I was never invited back by their parents. IE- Their parents threw a mile stone party for my friend and I was not invited. I had to take her out a different time.

3. My friend's mother didn't like me very much. In face, she would act cordial and allow her daughter to associate with me if we got together but she was never excited to see me. She was also very cold and unfriendly. IE- Being shut out of my friend's birthday party.

4. I would invite my friend to things and they would say no but every time I tried to ask why my friend could not make it, they never really gave me a reason. They always seemed to change their story as to why they could not make it.

5. I would never let anyone know that I was upset or they would threaten to cut off our relationship.


Yesterday was the last straw for many of the reasons above. They knew that I was out with other friends yesterday and I kept getting calls and other text messages from them. They started bothering me especially before the fireworks and I told them that I was busy. They got mad and threw a fit. I told them to stop being manipulative. Finally, they called me late at night at 11:00 PM when I was on my ride home and another friend of mine and I both agreed that this was not a good relationship.


So I wrote to her mother last night and explained the situation by mentioning that this friend and I were not a good pair anymore. I also mentioned that I felt like the relationship was one sided in that I and another friend were always the ones inviting their child to things and they really never invited us over for dinner or anything. I said how hurt I was and said that I didn't think it was good for my friend and I to associate anymore.


Meanwhile, my friend kept texting me and I warned her that if it kept up, then I would call the police. She wrote back and asked why. I asked her not to contact me anymore as things were not working out. Although she was upset, I believe she got the message.

I hated to have to cut it off but I admit that this was a toxic situation.

Should I have handled it differently?

I think you did the right thing. If a friendship is not nurturing, nourishing and makes you feel good about yourself whenever you are around said friend, then why be around them? I think you displayed maturity and wisdom in ending this friendship. I know that many people continue to put up with toxic relationships for way longer than they should, so you deserve a pat on the back for recognizing that this was not a healthy friendship.

If it helps, I went through this years ago. My situation was a little different. I had this friend, who seemed really fun at first. Being an Aspie I couldn't process all the red flags. But then, some of them didn't show until later. We would hang out, as she called it. Sometimes she would stop by and we would go out for coffee or just stay at my house, drinking tea and talking. We were friends for about one and one half years. Then I met my fiance. Although she knew that I was dating, she would keep calling and demanding to spend time with me. I would patiently explain that I was busy, but I would do a "phone visit" when I could. The trouble was that even after I had spent an hour chatting on the phone, she would then ask to come over. Meaning that she wanted up to two more hours of my time. If I told her my boyfriend was coming over, she would still stay on the phone blabbing. I started to feel suffocated. To be fair, I did try to keep the friendship going, but when spending time with her she would act envious and resentful whenever I mentioned my guy's name. She even stood me up a few times and pretended that she had forgotten we made arrangements. I agonized about how to end the friendship, but there was no other way but to ignore her. She never got hints, nor did she accept when I said that I had no time for her. I might have tried harder to make time for her, if she had not been acting so high maintenance!

So, you definitely made the right choice. Now you are free to find other friends for yourself.

From what you've related, you seem to have handled the situation appropriately. A hard lesson to learn is not just when/how to make friends, but to know when friendships end. And, as hartzofspace wrote, now you're free to further pursue other relationships.

I agree that you did the right thing as well. This topic reminds me of a friendship I used to have with a girl I met in high school, except that the roles were reversed. I was always chasing her and bugging her for us to spend time together, until I eventually realized that if I have to chase someone to have them devote time to me, then we aren't truly friends at all. Reading the two above posts did kind of make me feel bad though, because in hindsight I was probably more of a pest to her than anything.

Oh, that's hard. On rare occasion I've encountered someone whom I've really liked and wanted their friendship.....then to learn that they actually don't really like me

But people can be mis-matched.

She was a year older than me and thus graduated a year before me. We hung out a lot in school and after she graduated we promised to stay in touch. That summer I would ask her if we could do something together and she would decline and say she was busy. Then I would see her post on Facebook about the activities she did that day with her other (female) friends. I was too dumb to take the hint, and I just got frustrated as to why she wouldn't devote any time to me beyond a phone conversation. I kept asking her if we could hang out and endlessly pestered her with text messages and stuff. Even though she would sometimes call me and start the conversation. Eventually I realized I can't keep doing this, and I let ourselves fall out of contact. She has briefly contacted me a few times after that but nothing too major. I still feel real bad for pestering her so much.

Thanks guys. The truth is that I loved this person to death and I would have kept them. What killed things for me were the lack of respect for someone's own space and the fact that my friend's mother didn't like me and seemed to put on an attitude about it.

Being around my friend was great and I had fun with them and I even got along with my friend's father. That mother though was so toxic to be around. Just about every time we were together, she would always remind me that such and such for for this person and that person and not for me in a short tone.

You would hear, "Now this is for your friend alright." She was always reminding me how selfish I was. It was always making me feel bad.

-As for the one sidedness, another friend and I had invited my friend to some really big things.

-A family member took of mine along with myself took his person to Walt Disney World a few years ago for two holidays in a row

-Another close friend of mine invited our this person to be in their wedding several months before the big mile stone party.

Neither of us got invited back.

We did not leave our friend out and tried the best we could to include her in things as best that we could. However, my friend always was accusing me us of ignoring her when I did not call on a certain day when they wanted me.

In fact, I really feel like my friend and their parents used my friend, family member and I rather than invite us to things. However, I am glad that it is all over. At the same time, I am going through the being very sad and down.

Sure, it's always hard to lose someone, even if it's done 'properly.' Take care.

Thanks lab pet. I haven't broke down yet but I am at the edge of tears about it and I can feel where I am about to cry.

A grieving process is normal. I went through a long time of feeling guilty and sad because I had to end that friendship that I described. But I knew in the long run that it had turned toxic, and there was no use spending time and energy on it. You are looking after yourself when you eliminate toxic people from your life.

My friend would call non stop to the point where I didn't feel like calling her period. I also had a hard time talking to her on the phone since she still has the mind of a child and I have long grown since my child days.

The conversations never went anywhere.

That was how my friend was. Plus, she had a really loud speaking voice and I used to get embarrassed when we were out in public. People would turn and stare because they thought we were fighting!

As I said, I warned my friend that I was going to call the police if her behavior did not stop. It did not stop her there but it slowed her down to ask why.

Do you think I was going a little to far in warning her that I would call the police if she didn't stop?

If it worked, then I wouldn't say it went too far!

Run from Cheney, I was in my friend's shoes another time and yours. I had an on and off relationship with a someone who was toxic as well. In that case, she would lead me around about how interested she was. We were really close and then she started dating and began to shut me out. We had a fight and then didn't talk for two and a half years. Then we re connected and I slept over. However, she spent most of her time talking on the phone during that sleep over and talking to her other guy friends over me. She also lead me around where I would call her and she would play the gerbil game with me which I fell for. This was 12 years ago now.

"Can you call back in the next 15 minutes I have to do XYZ." I fell for it. She kept brushing me off.

She also stood me up one time after making plans that we would get together for a sleep over which she promised my mom. I was also not invited back to her birthday after I had invited her to my high school graduation. So, since I did not have any social skills or maturity yet, I called her up and either pranked her or yelled at her on their answering machine. She was so upset that she put her boyfriend, his friend and his mother up to calling me to get me to stop bothering them. I was so angry and hurt and this was after she managed to waste my time by re-connecting and then going to treat me like crap.

Anyway,
The other reason I lost my interest was the other day when I was getting ready to go meet my other friends at a swimming pool. It was when I was waiting for my ride that she texted me and wished me happy 4th. I had reminded her of the event since she had told me that she didn't want to go two days earlier. However, she changed her story and told me that her family was coming over.
She changed her story three times but said no on the invite. Over the phone, she changed her story 3 times.

1. She said that she didn't want to come
2. Then she said that she was having family over at her house
3. Then she said that they were all leaving to go out of town where everyone would meet in a cool place because it was so hot.

I then told called them out by mentioning that they were lying. They wrote back and denied it and told me that they were originally going out of town but that did not work out and so they decided to have a party at their house.

They then said that the more I complained, the less I would see them.

I said, "I am sorry you feel that way." I also said that I wasn't going to please her mother anymore. The whole day we had been fighting via text.

I mean, on one hand, her mother had her daughter make excuses and on the other she was harassing me non stop in a very controlling manner.