I think I f-ed up royally

Post Reply New Topic

To my supreme amazement, I actually managed to make some friends here at school within the first semester. Things seemed to be going really well, and then we all went home for Christmas break. When we came back a lot had changed with one of my friends. She had become depressed and moody and was always having some new problem, of the sort that I can only describe as "first world problems-" "My mom gives my brother six hundred dollars a month and I only get four... my dad won't let me drop my class that is a requirement for graduation but I just don't feel like doing it... I'm taking SIX CREDITS, this semester is going to be so hard!" Basically, things that weren't even problems to anyone who has ever had a real issue in their life. It got to a point where she was having a new crisis every few minutes, and expecting me to drop whatever I was doing at the time to help her deal with it. If I didn't, she would say, "Whatever. Thanks a lot," and become really pissy with me until I showed up to comfort her or give her advice for things that I am really not capable of helping her with. Over the past week, she had become more moody and dependent on me and mentioned multiple times that she was thinking of killing herself. I suggested that she talk to a therapist or counselor- something I have done plenty of times and thought might be helpful for her, too- and she took this as a personal attack. Every time I would leave her alone she would summon me back down to her room minutes later with no consideration for the fact that I might have other things I needed to do- homework, RA application, you know, just college stuff that needs to be done and take priority sometimes. It got to a point where my concern for her was causing me to have full-blown, hyperventilate-till-I-nearly-pass-out panic attacks.

Last night, I talked to my roommate, my other close friend here, about the problems and stress I was having... not realizing that the other friend was LISTENING OUTSIDE OUR DOOR (which is beyond creepy and how paranoid does a person have to be to stand outside a door wondering if the people inside are talking about her {even though, for once, we actually were}, not to mention that this is just a blatant invasion of privacy). She messaged me saying that she'd heard everything and went off running down the stairs, which sent me into yet another panic attack because I'm sure I hurt her badly- the things I said were harsh and not the way I would've said them to her face. I don't mind being a friend, but she seems to have a complete misconception of what friendship is. I can't be her therapist, her mother, and the person who drops everything for her all the time. I do care about her, but even more I worry about her, and I feel like a total ass for what happened. I don't know how to approach her, though, to talk about it in a calm, rational manner, and even if I do, 'm not sure I can make her understand. I would rather not have to break off the friendship, but I'm at a point where I really feel that might be my only option.

Sorry for the long post. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore.

I have more experience with screwing up than fixing things, so treat what follows with caution.

I don't think you can say to your friend you didn't mean what you said to your room mate. It would only mean that you were willing to lie to slag her off.

I think you can honestly say that although there was truth in what you said to your room mate, you expressed it more harshly than is justified because you were venting some frustration. And that frustration comes from trying to help your friend, and it doesn't seem to work, and it is beginning to mess up something that is important to you. And if you fail in your studies, you have to leave anyway and will not be there for your friend.

That's the best I can offer.

I appreciate it. Everything I said was something she needed to hear, just not necessarily in that manner.

It doesn't sound like you really screwed up. It sounds like she's just taking advantage of your vulnerability. I think you should have had a talk to her about it first before gossiping to others (NT style). It's probably not too late to find her and then apologize and explain your problems.

It didn't sound like gossiping. It sounded like ranting. :/

I'd just be up-front and direct with her... though I guess I'm probably not the most shining example of a socially secure individual. orz

Doing what she asks you to do isn't the same thing as helping her.

If you really care about her, you need to be open with her. And either way you need to stand up for yourself.

If she threatens suicide or something else, stop right there, tell her that kind of threat is COMPLETELY unacceptable and that you won't speak to her until you receive a full apology. Then leave until you get one.

DO NOT reward her for threatening suicide or other such histrionics. If you don't know exactly what that last word means, look it up.

My guess is that she has parents that have raised her extremely poorly, and that she thus lacks a solid moral foundation. If you provide one, that will be of vastly superior benefit to her than if you give her rides to the mall or help her with her homework or whatever the f**k she thinks she wants from you.

Remember, just because you aren't perfect doesn't mean that your opinions and feelings are somehow not worth communicating. It might be that they're wrong, but you'll never know until you start becoming more open. And if it turns out they aren't wrong, then people deserve to hear them.