Trying to make sense of a mistake in the past - long post!

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Sooo, there has only been one person in my life that I would call a real, good friend. Sadly I lost contact with her some time in 2005, due to my lack of social understanding.

I should start by saying that as a child, I really had no clue of what was socially appropriate in a situation and what was not. I still have problems with that, but back then I would regularly hurt people by being unintentionally cold or demanding. I did not mean to hurt anyone, I simply didn't notice what effect that had on other people - and even if I did, I usually wasn't aware that it had been a mistake on my part.

So I had this really good friend, starting from when I was about 7 until 12 or 13. I'm not quite sure what made us friends in the first place, since she was a really popular, pretty girl, and I was the weirdo with glasses and short hair that had strange interests and acted differently. I wasn't really aware of that at the time, but our relationship really was something special. We could talk on ICQ for hours almost every evening, and I'm a person who usually finds that tiring or runs out of things to talk about after 5 minutes. We had books in which we wrote each other letters, drew pictures and just talked all sorts of things. At one point it became kind of a competition to see who could write the most in a certain time, and so it happened that we exchanged the book after 2, 3 weeks and had written about 80 A4 pages. We created an imaginary character, a talking chicken named Frida , and always talked about what she would do or wear. We were both playing violin, and at some point changed from single lessons to a group lesson for us both. Most of all we could just laugh together and had lots of fun.

Now the problem. As I mentioned, she was very popular and had loads of other friends. She was one of those people who would meet a new group of people and get along with everyone pretty much instantly. There were two girls in particular who seemed close to her. Now I was a very jealous and insecure child. At that point I was regularly being bullied and isolated pretty much everywhere I went. I couldn't understand why a girl like her would like me. I had a terrible self esteem and felt like an alien. So I was constantly eager to be her best, ideally only friend. I complained that she didn't visit me often enough. I even set up a fake account on a social network so I could ask her what I really meant to her. And while she did tell me at some points that I was very important to her and her best friend after all, I could never believe it.

So then there was the day when I did something incredibly stupid. There had been some things before. Her father sat in a wheelchair and constantly had health problems, and at that time he was actually in a coma. Totally oblivious to the fact that it must have been terrible for my friend, I never offered any support and went on to talk about my small everyday problems, even being unhappy about the fact that she didn't seem to care much. So she must have already felt abandoned by me. Then, for some stupid reason, we had an argument. I don't even recall the reason, but it was something really insignificant and stupid. Basically I insulted her and then totally stopped all contact. I asked for single violin lessons again and avoided her. Various people told me that she was totally devastated about that and had been seen crying after she was told that I didn't want to have lessons with her anymore. I didn't believe it - after all, I was only a weird, stupid child, why would she care about me?

After a few weeks I wrote her a message offering a mediocre apology and the offer to "be friends again". She replied that it had been too much and she couldn't talk to me right now. At that time I found this really rude and was offended that obviously she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. And so the years passed by. When I met her on some concert or in town, I totally ignored her. I found other "friends" - though later I noticed that that was only a bad copy of the real friendship we used to have.

It took a few years until I became aware of what I had done and started to regret it, heavily. As I didn't really meet her anymore, I sometimes looked at her online profiles to at least know what was going on in her life. I found out that apparently she had a new good friend and immediately hated that person. In a particularly bad phase I phantasized about killing the new friend so I could take her place again. (Would never have done this, of course). I noticed that it was very hard to find new friends or even just people I could stand. Fact is, I have never felt as close to someone ever again. I don't feel like I ever will. I became angry at myself for throwing something like that away. A few years ago I found her in an online community and sent her a mail saying that I wanted to get in touch again and that I could explain to her why I had suddenly stopped contact - she replied, but evaded that topic. We wrote each other a few times about shallow topics, then she just stopped replying.

I have never seen her again. I can't even find her online anymore, she seems to have deleted all of her profiles, so I couldn't even contact her if I wanted to. I was told that she's studying journalism somewhere, but that was a while ago. For all I know, she could be dead already. She probably isn't, but anyway. At this point I guess you have noticed that I miss her and am incredibly angry at myself for letting a friendship like that go. I understand that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. If I was her I'd hate myself for how I treated her. She doesn't know I have Aspergers, so she probably thinks of me as a stupid b*tch who only cared about her when I wanted to fulfill my personal needs and then dropped her.

Do you think there is any chance on explaining something like this to her? If we ever get in contact again, that is. Even if she accepted my apology, we would probably never be able to have the same relationship again. We both changed, and it would be difficult to get a connection again. It's just that I still think about her a lot, even after almost 8 years. She was the only person I ever knew who I could understand. I normally feel far away from people, even those that I like, but I had some kind of natural connection to her. I don't think this will ever happen to me again. So I still mourn the past every day. I feel like I should be able to move on, but I can't.

So why am I writing this here? I don't know. I just thought of this again and couldn't sleep. And maybe I just want people sharing similar experiences: their ASD destroying friendships or something like that.

Hi Sanctus, I can relate to what you write. I don't really have any answers as I've made similar mistakes to you and have screwed up very close friendships.

I think you need to move on with your life and find new friends. Some things can't be undone unfortunately. I know that's a lot easier said than done. I'd put it down to experience, and hopefully you'll make less mistakes next time. At least that's what I tell myself

Sounds to me like she moved on long ago and you need to as well. I had a similiar situation as you when I was 12-13 and lost contact with a best friend through moving away. Took me 6 years before I found another best friend but it happened.

I've renewed some friendships that were on hiatus.

I had a best friend who disappeared from my life. We had been in and out of each others lives several times before, out when he moved and went to school in another town, back in when a mutual friend brought me to parties in that town, back out when he started dating somebody, in when she dumped him, out then in when I went through the same thing. The last time we parted there were several reasons for it on both sides. He told me he was moving to another state, then didn't.

Years after I found out where he had been and phoned him saying I wanted to see him. We got together and the evening was pretty much all about us telling each other why we would never be friends again. It wasn't what I expected, but there was no animosity, just two people talking impersonally about unresolved issues that weren't going to be resolved and in most cases couldn't be. Except for two brief encounters at parties, I never saw him again.

It wasn't a reconciliation, but at least it was a resolution.

As for whether you two might renew your friendship I can't guess. You can't know until you find out.

Meanwhile, with or without her it's good to have other friends.

A very recognizable situation for expecially that feeling that no one could ever appreciate you for who you are. Sometimes it's much easier to judge a situation in hindsight than when you are in the situation. It happens to all of us.

It's sad a friendship ended due to misunderstandings. But now you have a better understanding of what you had and you can use this experience for future relationships.

It's not bad to look back on the good and bad aspect of your friendship with her but any new friendship will probably not be the same. And trying to achieve the same feeling you with another person or even with your past friend might be too high of a goal. Putting high expectations to meet both for yourself and the people you meet.

I know from my own experience that due to these sort of experiences in the past I have not been able to open up to new relationships and I guess people get that vibe pretty quickly.
Also expecting the worse can become a self fulfilling prophecy. It certainly not easy but maybe you can focus on aspects of new friendships you do like. The friendship you had was something that took some time to build up give a new one that chance too.

A very recognizable situation for expecially that feeling that no one could ever appreciate you for who you are. Sometimes it's much easier to judge a situation in hindsight than when you are in the situation. It happens to all of us.

It's sad a friendship ended due to misunderstandings. But now you have a better understanding of what you had and you can use this experience for future relationships.

It's not bad to look back on the good and bad aspect of your friendship with her but any new friendship will probably not be the same. And trying to achieve the same feeling you with another person or even with your past friend might be too high of a goal. Putting high expectations to meet both for yourself and the people you meet.

I know from my own experience that due to these sort of experiences in the past I have not been able to open up to new relationships and I guess people get that vibe pretty quickly.
Also expecting the worse can become a self fulfilling prophecy. It certainly not easy but maybe you can focus on aspects of new friendships you do like. The friendship you had was something that took some time to build up give a new one that chance too.

Everyone screws up like that, OP.

I'm a little concerned that it doesn't sound like you've accepted responsibility for the things you did and the mistakes you made.

Having an AS diagnosis isn't carte blanche to be rude or inconsiderate. It might partially explain those behaviors but it doesn't excuse them.

I think that the question you should focus on, and possibly the reason this has been occupying your thoughts lately, is "have I learned everything I can learn from this?"

When you can say yes to that question, then maybe you might have a chance of rebuilding the relationship, or of finding a new one like it.