Not knowing whether it´s interest or politeness

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OK. So I don´t have an aspergers diagnosis (yet). A recognize myself in about half of the symptoms, but a lot of them could be attributable to social anxiety or atypical depression as well. I don´t have a lot of friends now, while I used to have quite a lot of good friends in high school. One moment I can feel all like ´yeah. i´m gonna do that!´ but then I think about it more and I just can´t find the energy to actually do. Almost a sort of avoidance. Now I really would like to do some volunteering in the weekends, but I just can´t find the energy/persistence to actually write an application letter. I don't know what my problem is, really, but I really need to get out more and do something in the world. Because I can't sit behind this computerscreen forever, even though it's my comfortzone.

I'm gonna call the doctor for an appointment tomorrow, because there is something wrong with me, either way.

Anyway, when I talk to people that I know quite well (but not friends with) like fellow students, I sometimes manage to keep the conversation going, but I don't know if that's because of genuine interest, or because of learned politeness. Because i'm coming to a point where I wan't to know what's wrong with myself. And I want to know it because aspergirls are very good at 'faking' interest, I read. But while I'm talking to others, I can't seem to reflect on my own thinking/feelings, so I don't know whether I am really interested or that I have just trained myself to act interested/ask questions/respond appropriately throughout my life. And I also notice that sometimes, when the conversation becomes silent, I can't really find the energy to 'relance' a new subject. (well..., sometimes I do). I don't know if that is normal or whether those are aspie traits.

I would like to hear your thoughts/experiences on this.

Lots of love for all of you

caféaulait

Hi, let me digress for a while... I remembered reading somewhere (most likely Jeffrey Pfeffer's Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don't) something like in this world, sometimes people genuinely compliment us, but more often than not people compliment us so that we will be more willing to do favors for them in the future. The author advises readers to assume that every piece of compliment is genuine even when it obviously isn't. According to the author, if you assume that every piece of compliment is genuine, at least you will feel happy about yourself. If you insist of analyzing whether a piece of compliment is genuine or not, you will sink into depression sooner or later because firstly most compliments aren't genuine and secondly you might mistake people who genuinely compliment you for flatterers. Um, if you assume that every instance of you showing interest in what other people say is genuine, at least you will feel happy about yourself.

Kjas always writes about this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_dysfunction

Have a look at that. Your doctor is probably going to tell you that nothing is wrong with you, it is all in your head.

never look a gifthorse in the mouth. but do check for strings attached.

^^^
i meant by the use of those mixed-metaphors, that one should gracefully accept a gift but to first make sure there are no quid-pro-quos attached to said gift, no mutual obligations.

Well, I'm not interested in the small small talk. Of course I try to engage in it for politeness. But I am interested in getting to the bigger talk, which, to me, is the entire point of small talk. Like discussing each other's interests, lives, and random stuff we find interesting or humorous. When a conversation feels forced for any length of time, I get very uncomfortable. But if it's just a brief greeting or conversation-starter, then I'm okay with it.

Also, I am usually terrible at bringing up a new subject when the old one is dieing down. Sometimes the subjects flow smoothly into each other, which is nice. But when a subject starts dieing early, I'm not good at salvaging the conversation.