I want have a friends and girlfriend but Its on and off

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I'm 25 living at home on disability i'm pdd-nos some psychatrists say i'm an aspie I'm also bi polar with voices. I live at home with my 2 brothers who are both in there late teens. One is always at home because he has social anxiety. I have two sisters I only live with one she is 20 and has anxiety too. I also have a grandmother I live with and both my parents I live with. Where a close family. We don't really have many freinds. my brother with social anxiety doesn't have any.

Me I have two friends from high school one with social anxiety that I barely ever see because he works and goes home and plays video games all day and just likes to be alone. My other friend who works and is more out going and I talk to him online on facebook from time time I never really see him either.

Really for a while I had this whole document that was 16 pages long on my computer about how I never want to have any friends ever agiain or ever have a girlfreind. I have had oppurtunitys to have a girlfriend I have been on a few dates but I never had a girlfriend.

really I'm just so obsessed with my computer I just really sit on it all day long and organize youtube playlists thats all I do. Moslty I listen to music all day long and than some times i'll watch some anime or once in a while I'll watch a movie.

I use to be really into art but than the bi polar medicine i'm on dried out my eyes so I can draw anymore too much. I might get into doing abstract art and learn the rules.

Really for a while All I wanted was to just have a girlfriend when I was in high school. I was obessed with this one girl and we went on a date and use to chat online but she never really liked me. I've met a few other girls that I don't see any more. They always tell me how i'm so cute but then nothing ever happens.

But really what happened was for a while I lost my faith in people and it still is there all these people who were dating my brothers and sisters screwed them over. and they all seemed like really nice people and we knew them for years. my cousin broke in the house (on mothers day) who is a herion addict and stole all my disability money two years ago.

I find that most days for the past 2 or 3 years is all I want to do is be by myself. But than I get these bi polar mood swings and then I just want to have a girlfriend I start getting suicidal that I never had one and that I don't have freinds. this happens at least once every two months.

but for the most part my autistic symptoms tell me no friends while my occasional bi polar symptoms tell me have friends.

I don't drive. but me and my brother started doing yoga together and really the place only has a few people in it who are all in the 40
s.

theirs another yoga place I could go to that has younger people my age. Or I could join this support group for aspies. but they all meet at these places out in public like restruant or an arcade. and I find those places to overhelming espaicly since I haven't gotten out of the house in years. And i'm also on a strict diet no milk or wheat.

Theres another place that you just meet up around in a circle. but its in a really really bad nieghborhood the worst one I can think of and theres no way i'm going there.

but really i'm not sure if I had friends or a girlfriend who was on disability if I could handle it. I"m always changing my mind about things. my mom and everyone I live with gets so fustrated with me. they say "why can't you ever stick with anything or commit to anything".

I get lonely but when I'm around people I just can't wait to get away from them.

I get so overhelemd around girls that I don't know if I will ever have a girlfriend. but if I got one I might not even want one anymore and than I would end up hurting the girl like the way all those people hurt my siblings.

I'm happy to be loner but it also is a struggle at times. Me and my family have it ruff with all our health issues. Theres a huge problem right now with herion where I live.

When I go on facebook and look around thats all I see are these people who are just nuts. Everyone is just so crazy these days.

Any other aspie loners out there. what should I do about this problem.

get your bipolar under better control. live stable for a while and then see what you want. there are plenty of good people in the world. we with AS sometimes have a hard time noticing that someone is not good until it's too late. reach out, but keep your guard up. don't lend more than you can afford to lose. if someone calls you names, breaks promises without good reasons, or threatens to hit you, ditch them.

I like your advice. But i'm not sure if it really just the bi polar. I go weeks with out a mood swing. i'm actually the most stable i've been in years. And i'm on 4 different medications. I can't go on anymore my psychiatrist said. I've tried every medicine in the book thats a whole nother story.

I think its more that it might just be like a psychological thing. i"ve been like this even before the bi polar ever came along.

I was in counseling for a while my counselor couldn't help. I was actually in counseling for 15 years I met with too many to remember.

Its like this obessive thing where all I want to do is be on my computer. It might seem like i'm really depressed i'm not. I love my computer. Its just I want to have a life outside of this computer screen. But when I go to do it, It just seems like the real world is so harsh.

my mom says i'm disillioned. I think i've gotten better much better through the years. I just worry that things aren't going to work out so I don't try.

and like I said I want to be around people but when than when I go to be around them its not what I expected, so I just go back to my computer.