Be assertive the right way while respectful

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Hi:
I live in a condo complex with neighbors all around me. I happen to have my combo of ones who I get along with vs the ones who I don't get along with.

I have one neighbor who likes to keep to them self. Most of the time they are a nice person to get along with but that is as long as they get their way or so I am told from others.

Anyway, there is a neighborhood stray cat who comes around and most of us like him, accept for one person because he is not fixed and sprays on their door as well as others.

So when they are outside, they constantly nag at other neighbors about not feeding him by writing threatening notes about reporting without leaving their name in the signature of the notes. They also told me today not to keep calling him because they are tired of the smell.

I went to call him today and she said, "Stop calling that cat." I asked if it was too loud. That was when she informed me the smelling.

As for the cat, he is older and going deaf while the president and I are trying to catch him to get him fixed.

So how should I handle this? I have thought about writing a note but I don't want to sink to her level.

I would adopt the cat but this might not be an option for you. Maybe you know someone else who would, or talk about it with the vet or a shelter/organization to see if they could find it a home?

Don't start a "note war", it will get ugly.

Try to get the cat fixed - if she asks again that you stop calling it, tell her you're trying to catch it to take it to the vet. If the smell is indeed the only issue and she doesn't hate cats or something, this should put an end to it.

She is actually allergic to cats but that is a good idea. However, I have thought about contacting the current president about the association. They are currently working with them and then so is another upstairs neighbor who works at a shelter.

Better then not to escalate things, maybe just tell her in a friendly way that you and other neighbours are trying to find the cat a home to prevent her from calling the authorities to have it removed

Good luck, I love cats too

A lot of the time, people like that don't care if you're assertive the right way or the wrong way. What they mostly care is that you're not assertive in any way at all-- that what you say to them is, in effect, "Yes ma'am, right away ma'am, I'm sorry ma'am, thank you for correcting me ma'am," et cetera et cetera.

I've never found any nice way to get along with them, unless it's important enough to kiss their sacrosanct ass.

And believe me, I've tried. My stepmom's sister is one of those people to the extreme-- and she's in charge of my stepmom. Which means I haven't seen her in two years; she has a grandbaby named for her that she's bloody unlikely to meet in this life.

I have asked and asked and asked and asked for constructive ways to deal with this woman. I've asked friends, relatives, friends of relatives and relatives of friends, clergypersons, total strangers, social workers, most of the nursing home staff, therapists, psychiatrists, and every nurse on the adult unit at Heritage Valley Sewickley Hospital. I've gotten three varieties of responses: "She's just one of those people that there's no getting along with; no one can even kiss her ass to her satisfaction. Hire a lawyer and get her the hell away from [mom]." "She's a b***h. f**k her." And my all-time favorite, which used to be the most common but thankfully isn't any more, "Well, you're obviously intelligent, and I think you mean well, but you have Asperger's. It must be your fault. You really shouldn't be around people. Why did you even try??"

If people don't want to get along (and there are people who genuinely don't want to get along-- they just want to get their way), you can't make 'em.

Telling her you're trying to catch the cat to get it fixed and you're hoping that will stop the spraying problem might get her to at least hush about that.

Word of cat advice, though: A lot of the time with older cats, it doesn't stop the spraying. At one point in time I had nine cats: three females, six males, all fixed. The three males that were neutered as kittens never gave me any trouble. The three that came to us as adults and were fixed after the age of about 18 months have all been excellent cats, but two out of the three never stopped spraying. The female that came to us pregnant and approximately 1-2 years old occasionally sprays. Nothing helped-- not even getting down to four cats. Our dog, another hobo that stopped for the night and stayed forever, was neutered at about 20 months. Same thing.

About the only thing that has done any good for the spraying is a top-of-the-line rug shampooer and boatloads upon boatloads of vinegar, baking soda, and lavender oil. It removes most of the urine and covers up the rest if I run it on every carpeted floor and every piece of upholstered furniture about once every two weeks.

About all else I can think of is offer to wash her door. Like, regularly. And often-- on the order of every couple of days. There are some things you can offer to spray to repel the cat from her door-- thyme oil, rosemary oil, citrus oil though citrus is toxic to cats and so could hurt him if he doesn't get the message in a rush. I think you can also start with fresh plants or peels and make an infusion (steep them in boiling water). Spray often, on the order of daily-- and be warned that they stink too, so she's probably not going to like that either.

Best bet?? I hate to see the domineering twat win, but find someone far, far away (and ideally far enough out in the boonies that the cat can live outside in relative safety-- most of my strays haven't taken kindly to life as indoor cats, either; they always come back but even being down to four there's generally one outside and one lurking by the door waiting for their chance) to adopt the cat. If he's feral, tame him enough that he can be caught and find a farmer. Lots of farmers like to keep semiferal or outright feral cats around to keep the rodents down.

Don't start a note war. I can think of all kinds of awful places that can go-- starting with her having something documented to harass you with, and ending in a can of tuna laced with antifreeze.

Drop note cards for therapists specializing in histrionic personality disorder here, there, and everywhere.

And the pee story is probably TMI, but might be useful if you're considering adopting the cat. Might keep him from bouncing back to the shelter or ending up right back on the street if you try to find him a home, too.

And the pee story is probably TMI, but might be useful if you're considering adopting the cat. Might keep him from bouncing back to the shelter or ending up right back on the street if you try to find him a home, too.

Actually, the lady that does this will whine to everyone else and then not do anything about the circumstances. She picks on everyone else about the cat. Anyway, I went to talk to the president of the HOA yesterday afternoon as I ended up running into her on my way out. We both decided that this woman is extremely unhappy with her life and basically likes to try to start trouble. I also realized too that this person is just really selfish and thinks the world owes her a "Special Living."

The president also told me that this woman will call up and have a tempertantrum over the phone and then the president calms her down.