Keep feeling rejected, like I am doing something wrong

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It is hard being Aspie, especially detecting whether it's you (as an Aspie) doing something wrong, or if it's not you it's just you facing another double standard from people (since more socially-orientated people always seem to get the upper hand, making people in my case feel worthless).

It always make me feel so hurt, and it makes my social anxiety worse because it makes me analyze every situation and wonder where I went wrong. People often say ''oh they're just the wrong people'' or, ''they're not very nice people to have as friends anyway'', but when I see they are pally with other people and are always invited out doing this and that, and there's me stuck on my own nearly all the time being invited out to nowhere with anyone and just feeling like I'm not wanted, I think that they can't be horrible then, and that I must just be the horrible one. I always tell myself that I am likeable. I am not rude, I smile to people and say hello, I am always civil, and I know I'm not bad at engaging in small talk with people, so I am unsure where I go wrong. OK, I'm quiet and shy, but I'm not unfriendly.

When I'm in a situation where I feel I am not wanted, I sometimes get very tearful and depressed afterwards, and I can imagine other people being wanted in the same situation by the same person who rejected me, however much they know them as friends. Now that is a big double-standard, and makes me feel like I'm just the one doing something wrong, and then it makes me feel suicidal and worthless. I then believe I ''just exist'', which makes my life not worth living at all.

How do you deal with social rejection? How do I better myself in order to be accepted by more people?

It is okay to cry. I do it all the time but I usually wait until I am away from other people to do it.

As far as rejection going, the best thing to do would be to ask the other person if you did something to offend them. If they keep saying no but the behavior continues, move on. That means they were not interested or they do not understand.

I used to have the same problems when I was in high school as well and I often found myself feeling downhearted because I could not for the love of me ever seem to get invited. Yet I kept sitting with these people who called themselves my best friends and yet I was never invited over to do anything. It made me feel sad and depressed yet I still associated with them because I wanted it to work.

As for being rejected, do not be afraid to try and talk to them about what is going on. Again, if they brush you off, they are probably not even worth it.

I developed avoidant personality disorder traits but that is not a desirable coping mechanism. I tried reading Eastern philosophy (Taoism, Zen) and that helped. I like being alone a lot and that helps. Still, I feel like the world gave me an F. I remind myself that many of the other people flunked also, but in different ways.

I have had people turn away from me when I walk up to them and never even got to speak to them and been thrown away by others and not only by NT's either-and I get that stuff too-"oh if they don't associate with you they aren't worth being friends with"-how many times do I have to be shot down before I can give up trying-I do not know what I did to the universe to deserve treatment like I get. I will help and drop whatever I am doing to help people but when they do not need me they exclude me until the next time they need something from me-then they remember I exist.

i can completely get what you mean. very annoying

it especially suckes i: 1.you live by your principles 2. are somewhat uncompromising when it comes to dealing with people 3. you don't drink or 4. (in my face) if you have a face always looks angry no matter what your mood is, you have to be over ecstatic just to look level and normal. It espcically sucks for me because i have ,a big quotation marks in the air:, friend who by his own admittance thinks and views the world like i do but never asks me out yet a year or two before went out of his way to hang out with a dude who i knew too but was total f*****g emotional cripple that would just sit there and expect you to follow him wherever you go. He is so popular no matter where he goes but i always seem to be the one everyone avoids and i get stuck with the very people i don't want to hang out with. this isn't having high standards i don't want to hangout with drinkers, drug addicts degenerates but that is all i seem to be allowed.
it really sucks, for some reason people respect me for actually being and individual but i don't get credit for it. For me I think having acquiescence that will occasionally do you a favor when you need it is probably all you could and should hope for.

one thing i noticed is that people gravitate towards people they wish they could be, it is essentially to some degree a romantic transference. they essentially try to project themselves as they would like to be seen on to someone that is a bit of blank canvas. if you are too much your own self then this is impossible for others to do so it is hard to make friends if you are at heart, without pretention, an individualist. Tons of times my family thinks im sort of Marlan Brando rebel when i am not trying conciously to go agaist the grain, i just do what i do. that is what makes me a rebel i guess, being who i am as human being.

Thanks for the replies. It does suck, being rejected. I know everyone has got rejected at some point in their lives, but it becomes hurtful when it is a frequent thing to have to endure all the time.

I'm just going to guess two things which may or may not be accurate and are probably based on my own experiences:

1. negativity that oozes out uninentionally

2. talking funny

One thing you can do is do the asking yourself. Initiate the interaction. It will help and may tip the balance so that people recognize you as someone who wants to do things with others.

I find myself left out of social events or conversations frequently.
I think there are several reasons..

They want to keep company with people who are like them because it makes them feel safe and that they are accepted and OK.
They want someone to look down on. This comforts them because when they doubt their own appeal they can say "at least I'm not like X..."
Their need to be accepted is more important than being true to themselves. I have heard one person criticise another with "they choose to project the persona or say the things they think will make them popular but that's not who they really are".
They expect me to affirm the lies they are telling to themselves and when I don't they feel uncomfortable. Their friends will affirm the lies in order to remain popular (and to affirm their own lies), so they see telling the truth as unfriendly.

For example, one of my acquaintances frequently denounces loudly at the dinner table her latest dating failure. Each is described as "bizarre, over the top, creepy, weird" etc... because he has asked her a difficult question or behaved in a way she finds unacceptable. But when she describes what he actually said or did I don't think it's odd at all. It seems to me a normal thing to ask someone on a first date and I wonder if her denouncing is a way to avoid accepting that he might not have found her as appealing as she wanted him to.

I have struggled with rejection and the best answer I can find is it's the other person's inability to accept (themselves and others) and show compassion that causes the rejection, not simply being me.
Since I am not going to compromise myself or my beliefs to please others the best I can do is value myself as I am, protect myself from harm and try to be more compassionate towards these weak and unhappy people who need to maintain a fiction in order to feel good about themselves.

I do all the time, and there are minor little odd things that are mixed in with my personality but I can never quite pinpoint exactly what it is, neither can anybody else. That's the trouble with being mild, a lot of people with more moderate disabilities often wish they just had it mildly, but sometimes it's harder trying to pinpoint where you go wrong exactly.

I am not a stereotypical Aspie at all. And the traits I do have aren't major and so aren't enough to exactly see for myself and work on. Like I don't excessively twiddle my fingers at all, or speak in a monotonous voice, or blurt out unacceptable things (in other words, being too honest), or have this blank expression, or avoid eye contact when interacting, or flap my hands, or stand in an unusual way, or all those other things people think somebody does just because they have Asperger's.

Usually when asking this sort of question, I get the ''you're probably doing something noticeably unusual (like something listed above) what you aren't realising you are doing'', then start saying, ''I used to always be so sure that I wasn't doing anything socially unacceptable or unusual, until one day I realised I done X, Y and Z''. That's not what it's about here. I can safely say I do not subconsciously do any of those things, even as a child I was told I never did any of those because I have always been self-aware, so I doubt I am doing them subconsciously as an adult, after improving more of my social skills.

I often just think that I have an unconfident way about me, in my body language and in the way I talk. It may not be different or unusual, but it makes others think that I am extremely shy and nervous, and maybe I sound quite hesitant when interacting, as though I am showing that I fear something, as though I think people are going to bite me or something. It sounds very minor, and it is, but when people get to know me this way, it builds up and they just get used to me being quiet and a little socially awkward, maybe it's just something they sense. I know what they mean though, because I'm good on picking up on other people's personality types very quickly too.

I always worry also, of a friend suddenly not liking me, like if I haven't been in contact with them for a few weeks then I give them a text or an email to ask if he/she wants to go for lunch sometime, I worry that they might reply back ''I don't want to be friends any more'' or something. Some people are good with reassuring themselves by saying ''it's their loss, not mine'' or ''they can't of been good friends in the first place then, so I don't need them'', but I can't look at it like that. Because I fear being alone and I just give in to peer pressure and the pressure of the rest of society, I tend to stick with any friends that I have got, whether they treat me bad or not (unless it gets really out of hand, then I stay away from them). In some countries, Aspies seem to get ridiculed for being single over a certain age. Thankfully, where I come from, it is sometimes considered ''sensible'' to be on your own, and I know plenty of people who are single but still socially accepted and have friends, etc. But if a person announces they haven't got any friends, they seem to get viewed in a different way, and completely disrespected, as though it is vital that you must have friends.

i feel the same

People who claim to have loads of friends, are usually the ones who dont. i usually just nod my head and agree with what someone is saying if they are bothering me or not. i dont usually like to make small talk unless its absolutely necessary. it just leads to misslead representation based on the part you have not made yourself look forward or civil enough. These days people are only obsessed with image, clubbin and big dramas.

The problem is that bragging about having friends is socially accepted.

That's because people don't seem to consider it an accomplishment, but something that you "just do". So, as Joe90 stated, if you don't have friends, they think that you either don't value friendship or that you're a nasty person (whereas the former usually implies the latter in their way of thinking).

I've been thinking about this kind of thing a lot lately. I can definitely relate to the poster who mentioned developing avoidant tendencies. I'm just being transparent and am in no way suggesting this, but the feelings of isolation have often led me to substance abuse in order to cope with being alone and also to cope with being around others. Neither of these are very healthy, obviously.

When I'm able to, I try my best to remove myself emotionally from the situation within reason and observe my surroundings almost like a documentarian. In this capacity, I can observe, learn, and interact with others without trying to necessarily integrate, which never works out for me anyway. This mindset gives me some wiggle room to make the inevitable mistakes and also enough detachment that I don't want to ball up and cry in public. So there's still an element of escapism to keep in check.

One thing to keep in mind might be that the signals are crossed in both directions. I perceive a lot of rejection and other negative connotations that are often not really there, but I've been conditioned to have these cognitive distortions from bad experiences. The feels are legitimate enough times to warrant feeling crappy sometimes. It's really frustrating and discouraging, but you're not the only one.