Aware enough to sense disapproval, but not enough to fix it

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I have never been good at social interactions. I don't actually crave them much at all anyway, maybe once a month for contact beyond my spouse (and we are kind of stuck happily in the "paralleled play" mode, i.e. we sit next to each other and do separate activities). But now I have kids, and they have started preschool, which means I have to talk to their teachers and other parents.

This level of social interaction is too hard for me. I try to follow all the social norms, but I'm mostly guessing (based off of online research), and then I get looked at with disapproval (and somehow I can recognize that even if I have serious problems recognizing other things, like facial features so I can't tell people apart unless there are obvious visual clues, grrr). My sense of self worth is plummeting, and I feel so arrogant because this is supposed to be about the kids and not me. But every school day I feel like I'm taking a test in an unfamiliar language.

I have a hard time with other stuff too. Like the what-to-pack-for-lunch thing. I can feed my kids at home because they can tell me what they want, but when I send things (even the same things they eat at home!) they don't eat them. I ask the teachers about it, and that doesn't go well. Ever. When I don't have time to plan a social exchange it's like I have no filter, the next thing I know I'm explaining the history of ziplock bag testing, or the effects of breastfeeding on the Rota-virus vaccine, or telling them a story about my childhood. Aah! I'm left with no answers and they look at me like I'm a terrible person/parent/failure/nuisance. I just don't know how to communicate.

I was diagnosed with a slew of things as a kid, but have no desire to go to a doctor and have all that straightened out. So I don't have any label I feel comfortable sharing with others. But sometimes I feel like just walking up to the teachers, apologizing and explaining that I have a hard time socializing/communicating, apparently lack a verbal "filter" and that I do care about my child's education, want to do the right thing, want to work with them, even if I come across awkwardly. The problem with that though, is that it would never come out like that, and if I think it makes sense logically then it probably is a bad idea socially.

It doesn't help that my older son takes after me and has a gazillion social/sensory issues, and I tried to explain the situation to the younger son's teachers because we keep being late, but I think I sounded unsympathetic toward my sons and thus a mean parent. I honestly do feel for my son (I can relate!) but I am very, very bad at expressing sympathy.

If I could just stop caring about the approval of others then I would probably do a much better job. Or maybe not. I've lost jobs because I didn't make small talk with coworkers before (I honestly thought we weren't supposed to talk to each other at work =[ ).

I'm sorry this is such a long rant, and that my grammar and punctuation aren't corrected. I'm too upset to read through this objectively right now. I'm feeling that need for someone else to understand, especially someone that knows how hard it is to navigate the web of everyday, involuntary chitchat. I don't dislike people, I really don't. I just find them very hard/stressful to deal with. If I just didn't upset them or repel them, I might even enjoy small, casual interactions. I'm just sick of being wrong/bad/a failure.

I definitely can relate. Instead of worrying about interacting correctly, I focus on the the information exchange. With schools embracing email now, maybe you could try less in person interaction? If my son is having issues or if there is a question for me, his counselor shoots me an email. It's easy, quick, and much more effective for everyone.

Oh, I REALLY understand where you are at on this one!! That was me.....about 12-14 years ago! When arriving to pick up my pre-schooler, the parents would be lined up in the hall and eventually I felt like I was walking the gauntlet! Seemed like even if I only said one or two words I'd get "those looks".
But hopefully I have some (maybe) good news for you. You have identified the issue early. Back then I had no idea what Aspergers was or why I was different. I would like to think that if I did, I could have reached out for help....social groups for Aspie's that help you work on social skills, groups such as this one to gather information from, books that are available. Of course, I have no idea if they would have helped....it's not as if I can go back in time and test it out! But I will say..... TRY!! !
Try it out before your kids are grown.
I have a little story for you. Cut ahead to kids in high school, evening of the Homecoming dance. All the kids were meeting at a house, and all parents gathered to take pictures. It couldn't have been a more daunting night for me! I, of course, failed miserably at any social interaction. I tried, got "the looks", and ended up wandering a corner of the deck alone until I was able to snap a few pictures of my son and his date and then shuffle off into the night. I remember holding it together until I got home & then crying in my room for a bit.
Now cut ahead one more year....another Homecoming dance, same set-up. I couldn't do it again! I just COULD NOT! I made some excuses to my son & sent him, making him PROMISE that I would get some pictures emailed to me from another parent that would be there.
I never got the pictures
Please try to not let this be you in 10 years!! !! Reach out to find a way to get through times like that so that you don't end up heart-broken and without a picture to show of your child's special night!!
And know that you are not alone!! I'm very glad that I wandered into Wrong Planet!! I found it very late in the game (and I do struggle to force myself to stop in and "connect" now and then), but at least now I feel I have somewhere to turn for some support from people who truly understand. I don't feel so alone anymore
I love the idea of using email to deal with parent-teacher communication! Most of us are probably much better "in print" than we are face to face. I didn't have that option when my boys were young....I think it would have made a difference (even if it was a small difference, every little bit is a helpful...every little bit that can facilitate communication is another tiny victory!)

Hmmmmm.....I honestly meant for my last post to be supportive and wanted to offer up ideas for getting through those "tough times". I somehow went off on my own emotional roller coaster of thoughts! How do these things happen to me so often?
I need to remind myself that it is about YOU and your original post and the way you are feeling!! I'm sorry I didn't do that the first time
I hope you are able to find a way to stop being so hard on yourself. You need to change your internal dialog!! That voice in your head that uses words like "bad", "wrong", and "failure". Those are not very nice things to say to the mother of your children! (yes, that would mean things you are saying to you!) I think we all need to give ourselves permission to be who we are and find a way to be ok with it. Not to say that we shouldn't strive for improvement, but it should be constructive criticism!! We have enough people in this world passing their NT judgement onto us....we don't need to do it to ourselves!
You have great value! Being different doesn't make you bad or wrong! Don't let other peoples opinion of you color how you view yourself. Repeat after me....different is NOT WRONG!!
I can tell you are a great mom....because you actually care enough to worry about all of these things!! So keep forging ahead and go a little easier on yourself. Be more aware of what you are telling yourself so you can STOP saying those mean things and switch out those words with some new ones.... "caring", "loving", "unique", "worthy".

Thank you both for your responses. I apologize for not responding sooner. When I become too stressed out I am unable to make myself read forums, emails, answer phones, etc. I just kind of shut down. I really wish I wouldn't do this, because it makes it worse. I had a really important email that I didn't get until today, and now it's really awkward on how to answer it =

Oh, I REALLY understand where you are at on this one!! That was me.....about 12-14 years ago! When arriving to pick up my pre-schooler, the parents would be lined up in the hall and eventually I felt like I was walking the gauntlet! Seemed like even if I only said one or two words I'd get "those looks".
But hopefully I have some (maybe) good news for you. You have identified the issue early. Back then I had no idea what Aspergers was or why I was different. I would like to think that if I did, I could have reached out for help....social groups for Aspie's that help you work on social skills, groups such as this one to gather information from, books that are available. Of course, I have no idea if they would have helped....it's not as if I can go back in time and test it out! But I will say..... TRY!! !
Try it out before your kids are grown.
I have a little story for you. Cut ahead to kids in high school, evening of the Homecoming dance. All the kids were meeting at a house, and all parents gathered to take pictures. It couldn't have been a more daunting night for me! I, of course, failed miserably at any social interaction. I tried, got "the looks", and ended up wandering a corner of the deck alone until I was able to snap a few pictures of my son and his date and then shuffle off into the night. I remember holding it together until I got home & then crying in my room for a bit.
Now cut ahead one more year....another Homecoming dance, same set-up. I couldn't do it again! I just COULD NOT! I made some excuses to my son & sent him, making him PROMISE that I would get some pictures emailed to me from another parent that would be there.
I never got the pictures
Please try to not let this be you in 10 years!! !! Reach out to find a way to get through times like that so that you don't end up heart-broken and without a picture to show of your child's special night!!
And know that you are not alone!! I'm very glad that I wandered into Wrong Planet!! I found it very late in the game (and I do struggle to force myself to stop in and "connect" now and then), but at least now I feel I have somewhere to turn for some support from people who truly understand. I don't feel so alone anymore
I love the idea of using email to deal with parent-teacher communication! Most of us are probably much better "in print" than we are face to face. I didn't have that option when my boys were young....I think it would have made a difference (even if it was a small difference, every little bit is a helpful...every little bit that can facilitate communication is another tiny victory!)