Overwhelming desire to socialize

Post Reply New Topic

In the past weeks, something strange has been going on with me. Though lectures started again and I usually see people every day, I feel constantly lonely, and it's worse than ever before.

I'm not exactly sure what this "lonely" is about. What I want to do is go outside and enjoy being with other people. As mentioned above, I'm actually quite often with people, but the problem is that I don't enjoy it.

A few years ago, I was perfectly happy when I could spend all the day alone in my room. Admittedly, I didn't have so many other options at that time. Meanwhile, my social skills have improved, but so have my social desires – disproportionately.

With my current friends, I'm stuck at a certain level. I'm very happy that I have friends, but being around them still feels so impersonal.
I want to meet new people, but I don't know how to do that (I haven't made any actual new friends in the past 2 years).

The additional problem is that I should really be doing some uni work. Instead, I'm spending an increasing amount of time on WrongPlanet, which doesn't effectively fix the initial problem, either.

As far as I can tell, I'm neither in a depression nor in a burn-out. I'm just obsessing about something that I suck at (socializing).
I'd kind of like my old attitude back, ignore other people and do things that I'm good at (math and programming). But I can't.

Does anyone have an idea what kind of phase I'm going through?

I think it's tough being at uni/college because you are surrounded by people your own age who are having fun socialising. If you are not one of these people, or feel a bit different or disconnected from them, the separation is being rubbed in your face constantly. It can be a very depressing environment.

Spending time at home alone is much easier, because you can get lost in your activities and aren't being constantly reminded of your social differences with the majority.

Metaphorically speaking, it's like being drawn in by a really enticing advertisement for something that you know you can't have, but you keep trying to convince yourself that you can have it because the ad makes it look so good. The result is unhappiness.

That's how I feel about it anyway. Unfortunately I don't know any way to avoid feeling awful in that environment. It's so hard not to be drawn into the whole thing, it's like part of our nature.

Thinking about that: yes, it makes sense.

During high-school, I was mainly surrounded by bullies and jerks. I was happy when a didn't have to see them.
Right now, most fellow students are actually really nice persons (most jerks dropped out after one semester or less ). I would so much like to join their social circle, but I can't.

I've just come home from a lecture. People in the row in front of me were extremely chatty. They were laughing, flirting, kissing, discussing weekend plans, etc. all the time. That reminded me very effectively of my situation.

In the previous semesters, I had some contact to students who were going to become high-school teachers. Helping them with math was a win-win situation: They got their homework done, and I at least had an opportunity to talk to people.
So probably my character isn't that horrible (the wouldn't have asked me otherwise), but I'm just too boring for anything other than help with homework.

The OP's story is very recognizable to me. I work at a university (as a researcher) and see masses of student every day without being able to interact with them; I crave social life a lot stronger than before now.

I think once you do get some skills and realize what is possible, you get the ambition desire. The good side of this is (at least for me) it keeps away depression, as you know you could do it (achieve normal social life) & all is not hopeless; on the bad side it gives you a constant stressed feeling, an anxtiousness about achieving socially.

I broke my own barriers quite a bit, having a girlfriend for 2.5 years and living in another country, but she left 1 year ago. Now I feel a lot more pressure to find a girlfriend again, because I know it's possible, while before I was in a kind of fatalistic denial-phase, being happy in isolation. But now it feels like an enourmous burden, thinking about my social situation every day...

But somehow I feel that ignoring this & going back (well i'm already going back... let's say maintain) to isolation cannot be the solution.

How do you guys deal with this?