*sigh* I used to think I was spared from depressions, but maybe that isn't so true, after all.
Yesterday, I hung out with my friends. Apparently, they still like me, but I felt so meaningless – I didn't know what to do with them. I just sat there and did what they suggested.
Maybe having more than 3 friends would mean a bit more variety. I'm not sure if I can even claim that I'm trying – it's more like "trying to try"; actual "trying" would at least imply a basic approach, but I usually fail right after saying "hi" (sometimes I even fail at that).
So this is what I get from trying to compensate for my deficiencies: Very little success, but now I see all my failures and missed opportunities more clearly than ever before. And that's what brings me close to a depression.
I know that my life is not meaningless. There are a lot of things that I'm good at and I'm excited about what I will do in a couple of years. But I'm not sure if I'll be able to do anything at all if I get an actual depression.
The only two happy hours in a week are currently the orchestra rehearsal – it's the only chance for me to do something meaningful while among people. Doing my math homework is also meaningful, but it's a very lonely activity.
Do you know what to do in this situation?
27 May 2013, 7:47 am
