Manipulative or a true panic attack?

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Hi:

I had gotten together with a group for a friend's birthday yesterday and happened to go to an amusement park together as a group.

One of the people in the group carries a more severe case of high functioning autism and functions at the level of a child when it comes to most circumstances even though she is 30.

Although she did mention that she is afraid of heights, this girl did decide to go on one roller coaster to see if she would like it. Two hours later, we get on the ride and she looses her glasses because she refused to take them off.

During the rest of the visit, she basically had a meltdown and complained about wanting her mom and how she wanted to go home since she hated amusement parks. She also said that she was having a heart attack when most of us knew she was freaked out about the roller coaster and her glasses. It was also hot and very crowded yesterday and that did not help either.

As most of you know, crowded and noisy venues can cause someone on the spectrum to overload and sometimes have a meltdown.

Here is the deal though, we had tried to reason with her that she was just seeming to throw a temper-tantrum about her glasses which led her to turn hostile and attempt to attack another friend and I. She also would not bother to walk through the park with us and made us sit with her until her mother came to get her.

Her behavior also managed to loose her privileges to attend anymore group functions along with loosing me as a friend.

What do you think? Was she being manipulative or just letting her autism get in the way?

I feel for the autistic girl. She probably doesn't have many friends or opportunities to go to group functions.

She probably went on the roller coaster because she desperately wanted to be like everyone else. She kept on her glasses because that's part of the rigid way of thinking of autistic people: without them she would have felt even more afraid.

Hot, crowded, noisy venues are horrible for autistic people. Here the girl is, in a social situation, no glasses (if they're prescription she can't see), none of her "safe" people (hence the desire for her mother), and just wanting to run for cover. No wonder she was whiney.

I can understand if you never invite her to the amusement park again, but just writing her out of your life is harsh. Just because she's autistic doesn't mean she doesn't need acceptance like everyone else. If there's anything you like about her, don't do it. Give her another chance in a less trying situation.

I wouldn't see the manipulation here. The behavior you describe seems rather uncharming and what would she be aiming for? Attention?

You ask whether it's autism or manipulative behavior. I think it's mostly autism, but that doesn't mean that it isn't her responsibility to act a bit more mature: She probably isn't just a victim of her autism.

That was basically the part that made me think this isn't manipulation, it's just childish and egocentric behavior. I don't know how much she normally suffers from autism and how intelligent she is, which I think matters for how much you say:

-''autism, she can't really help it'', or
-''autism, but she could do and should have done a lot better''

But maybe her autism is just too bad.

The reason we wrote her out of our list is because this is not the only time she has acted out and thrown tantrums. There were at least 4 other times that she managed to overreact and it happened just about every single time we got together in a group setting.

I was loyal with her quite a while and yesterday was the the last straw.

She also said that she did not want to have anything to do with me and my other friend after we set the boundaries with her.

All right, then, maybe she's just not ready to be social. It sounds like nobody has taught her how to act, and it's not up to you to do so.

Yeah and that is because she seems to be afraid to leave the house and do things unless she is close to her mother. I have noticed.

I did see her do was manipulate others to feel sorry for her enough just to buy her a few things to drink and even bossed them around to get her food for her at meal time even though she gave them money.

"Give me some chinese food with noodles in it."

So that is why I am wondering if she was using her Autism as a way to get attention.

As for me, I was even going to go on a short vacation with her next month for a weekend get away. Then when that I told her that she was not going to do anymore activities with us she exploded.

"I don't want to be your friend anymore and you are not coming with my mom and I on vacation now."

I even told her that because was was turning violent that I was going to have to call security.

This^ losing one's glasses is a big deal, especially if she can't see well without them and is used to wearing them.

We all felt bad that she lost her glasses. We were even going to head to guest services to file a report and even still have fun with this girl. Then she just started throwing a temper tantrum right after she agreed to try and get her glasses back.

Right, so you know that she thinks as a child. And if she's a "severe case of high functioning autism", then she's probably actually on the moderate side.



I'm not sure how bad her eyesight is, but for me personally going on a ride and seeing everything whizz by in a blur would make *me* more anxious.



Right, I believe she was complaining a lot because of anxiety. I've been told off quite a lot over the years (as I was growing up) when I've complained about things. But I did it because I was highly anxious (and I couldn't always see that - I couldn't tell how I felt) and so complaining was my way of getting anxiety out, or I'd go ballistic/enraged out of total fear, which every adult took for manipulation as it looked like a tantrum. Anxiety and guilt can come out as anger...and when you're anxious, it can come across as pushy even if you don't intend it to, or even realise it. That's where the line becomes iffy, because on the other hand - when people try to manipulate you, they're trying to put pressure on you, and them being anxious is one way of getting what they want. So really, you have to weigh up these things. From what I can tell though, well, read on..

I also complained because I needed a lot of reassurance, which I never got, and so eventually grew out of it by my teens. This girl though must have learning difficulties or something. It sounds like she's looking for reassurance - her mother's presence must give her reassurance and make her feel safer, especially if she finds it hard to make and keep friends, because her mother has been a stable person throughout her life. Also losing friends is a *change*, which can top it off on the anxiety scale.

I'm pretty sure what she meant by, "I want my mom, want to go home and I hate amusement parks" meant this: "I want to GET OUT NOW". That isn't manipulative, as much as it appears. I'm still rather like this (but I don't say anything) because once the adrenaline rush comes - I want out. It's a huge surge of energy and it messes up your thinking. Imagine fearing for your life - it gets that bad, and that illogical. Although it happens rarely now, I always have a planned escape route in case I need to walk away from a situation. That is my present way of dealing with it, which is quite accepted by everyone else ("Oh, I have to go now"). She can't have, and will probably never learn strategies like this - her answer sounds like that of a child or young teen.



Ah, never tell her she's throwing a temper tantrum - that is like pouring petrol on a fire. That is only going to embarrass/shame her and make her feel guilty, and therefore more angry/anxious.

As for the glasses thing - reminding her of that is reminding her she was wrong, which is going to humiliate her.



It sounds like her autism. She turned violent though? My anger was never violent (I just used to break objects) but maybe it affects her that way. Personally I wouldn't make friends with someone just because I felt sorry for them, especially if they're violent. I realise that sounds harsh, but it depends how strong you are as a person. If you can deal with that behaviour, whether it is her fault or not, then be friends with her.

Don't have any of it though if she turns violent, and make sure the others don't buy her anything. It is better for her to be independent and get the things herself, and there will be no arguments either.

I had no idea that she could have a violent side but I spoke to her mother three months ago and she apparently has an issue with throwing temper tantrums after seeming to say she wants to do something and then changing her mind. If you try to disagree with her, then she will snap.


What I did know is that she has the tendency to like to try and control other people and where and when things can be done/

    I think neither.
    If you can choose to not let a disability "get in the way" then it's not a disability.
    Try telling a blind person to "get over it", and they'll probably hit you with their stick.
    My observation of manipulation is that it is always intended to get something.
    Like a second ice cream cone or self esteem of making people do things their way.

    It sounds like she just wanted to get away from 'horribleness' and wanted her mommy. That sounds like real fear.
    I have poor vision w/out correction, it's extra stressful when all the scary things are also very blurry.

    Her melt down was far, far worse for her than for you. She's probably still mortifyingly embarrassed about her public behavior. And will be for years.

    I can prove it was a stressful situation for anyone, here's how -even you didn't have your own normally excellent patience with her.

    You're a good person and a good friend, don't lose your strength now. =)
    Your friend needs you more right now than ever. Go take her for ice cream, pretend it never happened.

I just got off the phone with her mother and it sounds like she is on anxiety meds.

Anxiety can make you act in all kinds of stupid, senseless ways. Before I found the right medicines, I would do and say offensive things as a result of being afraid I would say or do offensive things; it was that bad. Even now I have problems with socializing though I am finally able to think before I speak or act, most of the time.

I shouldn't have said nobody taught her how to act; her mother sounds like she's very involved with her daughter.

Her mother is very involved with her situation and does whatever she can to help her daughter move forward. It also sounded like she did not want our friend going because it would be too much for her to handle but she did not listen.

I explained the situation to her mother by talking about the outbursts and the violent behaviors. I did however fail to mention the drink situation.

I don't think she was being manipulative at all. I think she over-reacted to a feeling she had and that feeling was genuine to her. I'm guessing she shouldn't have gone to the amusement park to begin with but probably did so to be "social". Lose her as a friend? Harsh.. and telling a 30 year old she's having a "temper-tantrum" is insulting. Clearly, she was struggling and what she needed was to be supported through this. Don't kick her while she's down! Sorry.

Talk with your group of friends and try again. Choose an environment where she can be successful. I'm sure she's a wonderful person to be with - and if you can understand her Autism, expect/accept some level of behaviours and without judgement.

I did get a chance to talk with her mother and she expressed that she was VERY concerned about her going with us on Sunday. She even explained to me that she tried to stop her but did not listen.

As for loosing glasses, she called her mom and told her about it and seemed fine when she had called her mother.

She even agreed to go on some water rides with me if we guided her around the park one minute. Then the next, she started complaining that those who were not leading her were walking way too fast for her. After that, she wanted to sit down.

It was "I want my mom, I wish she were here to deal with this situation. I hate this place and I want to go home." She then started crying.

As for the group: Including is not the problem understand? We attempted to do so on several occasions too. However, one of the things that this girl does seem to do is find something to complain about. She also seems to get an attitude if we do not agree with her. This is not including those panic attacks.