A Lesser Friendship

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I had an amazingly wonderful friend a couple of years ago. We could easily talk for hours without end about anything and everything. I thought of him as my soulmate, and he didn't deny that the descriptor was pretty accurate.

We had a falling out, because his wife couldn't accept me as a friend in his life. When I say we had a falling out, I mean he told me that I would have to think of him as dead, because no matter how much he wanted me in his life, her wishes trumped his wants (his words, not mine). He's now getting divorced and has a new girlfriend, and now he's wanting to at least apologize to me for how things went and possibly rekindle the friendship.

He's changed, and I'm not sure if I want a friendship with the person he's become. I don't think he's become a bad person. In fact, I'd say he's grown for the good. But, he's talking about how the kind of friendship that we will have to have will be different, hinting that it will have to be "just friends" and not that same level of "soulmate" that we had before.

I feel betrayed, and I'm beginning to feel used. I feel like he moved on in his life without me in it, and now he wants to drag me along behind like a pet. He couldn't come to me the moment that he felt sorry, but instead waited until his life was back to being all happy and rainbows, and it feels like he's rubbing it in my face. (I know his life isn't happy and rainbows, and I know he at least doesn't mean to be rubbing it in my face, but that's how I'm interpreting my feelings about it right now.)

A part of me wants to run away, never meet with him, and tell him to leave me alone for good. If I can't have my soulmate back, then I don't want any part of what's left of him. Another part of me misses that old him so terribly that I feel like I'd do anything to get back whatever I can of him. Maybe I am the one who needs to learn to taper things down and accept that our friendship needs to be just a basic friendship. I feel like I'm being a horrible, selfish person if I can't do this. Two minutes later I feel like I'm being a naive sap for not standing up for myself.

I keep bouncing back and fourth between these extremes, and I don't know what the right answer is. How do I reconcile this in my mind?

Occasionally hang out with him and do fun things unless he does not want to. He is probably not looking at you as an obstacle. Don't personally ask him anything touchy(provoking feelings of a relationship.

It's a rough place, I know. I thought I had a good friendship with someone, but I find myself with the same conundrum. This person exhibits the same behavior that he was berating me about not long ago, and looking back everything had to be on his terms. I wonder now if I compromised too much for my own good. The couple times I've tried to distance myself, I was accused of attention seeking behavior, which wasn't it at all. I also can relate to feeling like being used. He wants me at his beck and call, but to disappear at his discretion. We have a lot in common, but maybe that's just not enough.

Good luck deciding what's best for you. I know it hurts a lot, but sometimes maybe too much. I'd also be worried that he might drop you again as soon as another relationship takes over.

I have been in this man's shoes. I am female. My male friend would not respect my boundaries and my commitment to the romantic relationship I am in, so I eventually had to cut all contact. It was painful for me and even after the fact, he has not respected my wishes - so clearly it was the best decision.

I know it is difficult to "tone down" a friendship when you feel that what you have is truly special. However, it does not make him as happy as it makes you. It causes him problems romantically. Yet, he appreciates you and your company, he does not wish to lose you and he has kept you in mind through-out the changes his life has gone through. That tells you how special you are.

You can re-define this friendship together, if you decide it is worth it.

I understand what you're saying, motley, but it does sound like that was a slightly different scenario, although your input is still helping me work through seeing this more clearly, so thank you. Let me clarify something that you've brought up.

I won't take the blame for the problems our friendship causes him romantically, and here's why.

I have respected every single wish he has ever made of me. He was the pursuer, not me, which is what makes it different from your scenario. If anything, he had a difficult time respecting the wishes of his wife. She and I did not get along, and despite that he still desperately wanted a friendship with me. He pushed her to her own limits. She gave many ultimatums, we would stop talking, and then she would relax her position and he'd come running right back to talk with me again. He didn't have any other friends, and he picked me out as being special in some way, sort of like I was able to fill a void that he was feeling due to the circumstances of his life. That's why I feel used. I feel like I was nothing more than a stepping stone for him to walk all over until he could get his life back on track. He didn't have the balls to actually stand up to his wife and I didn't have the balls to stand up to him, and although circumstances have changed, I'm not so sure that he won't do this to me all over again.

I believe that he does appreciate me and truly misses me, but I'm worried about getting hurt again, which is what makes it difficult for me to decide if it's worth it or not. I wish there was a clearer answer sitting in front of me.

Sounds like a very problematic guy, why doesn't he look for a soulmate to marry instead of pinning women against each other (romantic vs. friend) and pushing both away?

The day I decided to never again agree to have a friend who controls the closeness level in the friendship, I became free. Either we both choose or I leave.

I don't know if it's an Aspie thing, if it's my personality, or even if it matters what the cause but I've been there SO many times.
I always seemed to find myself with one best friend that I spent most of my time with, and each time I would have a girlfriend or partner it would change the dynamic of the friendship.
For me it always felt like I was the sidekick, and it was easy for them to get by without me, but I'd feel a bit lost when each friend moved on.

I'm lucky in that now, my best friend is my wife, and I know she's not going anywhere and will continue to be there for me.
I know not everyone is so lucky, so the only thing I can suggest is to cherish the friendships you have, and understand that EVERYTHING is temporary.
You can't put the magic back into a special relationship if it goes out.
Some friendships you can catch up again like you never lost contact - even after years. Some once the close contact goes it can't come back.

You may find that in time another person will have that special bond with you.
Don't forget that your friend must also have complex and conflicting feelings; from his perspective you were the best of friends, soulmates until he met his wife.
He had to reconcile with the fact she didn't approve of you, and that he had chosen her.
Now his marriage is over he is free to see you, but the dynamic in the friendship has changed, and you can't do anything about that.
You can still be his friend, but he is looking out for himself and you by not wanting to get too close.

You can bet your friendship, even though the contact stopped for a time, had an impact on his marriage, and a divorce along with all the contributing factors can ferment in a divorcees mind for a long time.
My first wife divorced me more than ten years ago, and thanks to our daughter and other factors I am still coping with the aftermath and the impact it has had on my life.

It even contributed to the end of my contact with my family of origin, as it brought the toxic nature of this relationship to my consciousness which previously I had not been aware of.

What it all boils down to is that a friendship is only going to work if you are happy together, if you are free to spend time together and want to, and if you are communicating together effectively.
This means knowing where the boundaries are.
If you are lucky nothing will be off limits and you can talk about anything. More likely though, there will be a boundary about what can be discussed, what you can do and where you can go, and how much time you can spend together.
Give them some space, but let them know you're there.
If they want to they'll work on and nourish the friendship, if not it's time to move on.

In a way it's a case of lowering your expectations, so that you avoid disappointment, but that's essentially the case with anything in life; the higher your expectation, the higher your chance of being disappointed, so just try to be practical pragmatic, and accepting of what you have, because it may be as good as it gets.

Well that explains a lot for sure.


If he was married and you two started connecting, then that does open the doors for suspicion on her end. No wonder their marriage went up in smoke if he was talking to single women and saying that they were his soulmate.

Yes, this guy sounds like a true male version of a "Daisy Buchanan" from Fitzgerald's "Great Gatsby."

Anyway, it sounds like you have better things to do with you time than to waste it with a jerk like that.

I'm posting an update for anyone interested.

I met with him a few days ago and we established mutually agreed upon boundaries. I told him he's welcome to link to my blog and YouTube channel again, he's welcome to comment on my posts, and we can correspond by email regarding autism stuff (as his son was recently diagnosed with Asperger's, and I have much more knowledge regarding that than he does, so I can still be of assistance). That's it. No talking about relationship stuff, as I'm really not impartial enough to be a good friend for him right now in that respect anyway. Any advice I give him, whether I'm truly being impartial or not, might come off as sounding like me trying to manipulate the situation in my favor, so it's best to avoid that completely. No talking about our other mutual interests like we did before, as that's a slippery slope.

He needs time to get his bearings straight, and I need to keep myself protected from getting hurt again. I feel like this is a good starting point for testing the waters and making sure his new girlfriend can handle our interactions without getting upset or jealous, and it still keeps me at a good neutral distance from him in case we have to sever the relationship again.

More than anything, I feel a bit empowered, because ultimately it was up to me to determine what I would be comfortable with. I just had to be honest with myself. Once I realized I couldn't be an impartial friend in regards to his current relationship, that made determining the boundaries pretty easy. My well-being is more important to me than it was back when I was previously talking to him when he was married. I'm a bit proud of myself for being able to stand up for my own boundaries.

Being honest with myself was perhaps the hardest part. It's very easy to delude one's self.