I need to learn social skills but I don't know how to start.

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My problem is that I don't have good social skills. That means that in the workplace I get used as a scapegoat.

It took me many years to realize that this was the case, I worked really hard and studied really hard, trying and trying to do well at work. Three degrees later (I earned them all whilst working full time), I just got made redundant. I am more qualified and more experienced and harder working than anyone else there, yet I was lower paid than anyone else in my role.

At least now I know why.

No wonder there are so many industrial disasters and accidents when it is popularity and not expertise that counts.

How do I start learning how to be more popular?

I never got invited to lunch or anything while I was working there. I went to the Christmas party once but it was terrifying. I felt so overwhelmed that I almost didn't go in.

I have to figure this out. Otherwise I can't see how my life will ever get any better and will probably get even worse when my redundancy money runs out so I would probably be better off jumping off a cliff to get it over with, rather than eventually ending up toothless in a gutter somewhere.

Please, can someone tell me how to start?

Thankyou

Alessi

Well I find the best way to make friends is find people who aren't so judgmental and have some similar interests. I can't really say how exactly to do that though, I mean I was lucky and was introduced to someone I became close friends with. But yeah I have a very difficult time interacting a lot of times, and i can't even approach someone I don't know and start up a conversation, but I find trying to put myself in places where people with similar interests are likely to be in the context of having the same intrest I find it easier to start a conversation possibly with just a comment about something. But yeah I kinda gave up on trying to socialize normally quite some time ago, I mean I'm just not very interested in that game....but yeah most people close to me have various issues to so we can kind of be understanding towards each other.

Maybe you could find an AS support group, or sometimes there's free classes for certain things for instance I once went with my mom to this free class at a health food store to make perfume out of essential oils....you could look up if theres anything like that in your area that would be interesting and might give you an oppurtunity to meet people.

I grew up never fitting in, but a lot of my problems learning social skills lessened when I learned humility with the help of my authoritative father and made a point to not talk about myself too often.

I am reminded of the quote: "What other people think of you is none of your business". It sounds harsh at first, but it is actually liberating. It is unhealthy to expect people to think of you in a certain way for any reason. Also, would you "expect" a lover? What about a job? What about respect, or trust? As fundamental as these things seem, no one owes you them.

Realize this first and foremost. The reason I feel you have not learned this yet is because of the following statement:



The impression I get from this is "I am not being treated according to my standards by the people I consider inferior to myself". That may not be your intended message, but that is how it will come off to strangers or people in a competitive environment, even if you are the victim of discrimination.

The reason that seems like a quick judgement is because you likely do not have to work where you are located. If you made the choice to stay in one location and gripe about unfair treatment instead of re-evaluating your opportunities and working toward new ventures, why would others sympathize with you? With three degrees, you can find something better.

Finally, if your social skills need work, how can you be sure of your co-workers intentions? Have you tried asking them how they feel about their relationship with you? If you do, for the love of all things holy, DO NOT ARGUE. You may hear things you never wanted to know, but it is imperative that you listen anyway.

Last edited by sage_gerard on 22 Apr 2012, 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i'm a fan of self-help books. i'd go to amazon.com and search for "social skills" or something similar.

Just try to be polite and civil. Also, if there is a function you don't want to attend, and that you are not absolutely required to attend, just say that you already have other plans for that day, if you really don't want to attend. Make something up if you have to.

With 3 degrees and a work history, you should eventually find another job. In the mean time, while looking for work, you should do volunteer work, which will look good on your resume. You should also take up a hobby that could be turned into an income producing opportunity, in case you run out of funds before finding work with someone else.

I agree, finding a job or career that is more supportive and accepting of your social difficulties would be the best opportunity for you. Someone that values your dedication and hard work instead of your ability to charm workmates.

It can be difficult to learn social skills but people like people that show genuine interest so perhaps showing interest in others might help.

I'm totally going to have to write this one down.

"How do I start learning how to be more popular"

Or you could say "to hell with fitting in, im going to find GOOD people"

you owe it to the world to be unique.

Oh and as for social skills: meetup website, impromptu acting, voice coaching for expressive voice, toastmasters

^ Agreed. Do not strive for popularity, because most popular people tend to reject people with any kind of difference, even if these are subtle. Strive to get along with people who share your interests, values and personality, and that like you for who you are.

You need to first identify what skills you struggle with (reading ASD resources on social skills will give you a sense of this) and then practice these as much as you can with the people in your life so that you are able to use them naturally.