PLEASE HELP! I don't know what to do

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My boyfriend's mother irritates me greatly.

She had a fight with my boyfriend about teen pregnancy and abortion and she is anti-abortion she thinks abortion is murder and that being a teen parent is no different than adult parents...
I am pro-abortion and a feminist.

She was being inappropriate and asking my boyfriend what my view was on abortion and if we got pregnant as teens if we'd abort. (by the way I'm no way pregnant).
It really is none of her business and my boyfriend told her that and that he doesn't mind if a woman aborts or not and that it's her choice.
She is now ignoring him and is disgusted with him.

I have to go to his house on Saturday and I am afraid I might be confronted with her anti-abortionist questions, could anyone please offer advice as to how I could respond?

Pro-Choice and Pro-life are too black and white.

Are you for abortion in any case, or most cases?

And is she Anti-Abortion in all cases, excluding medical complications and other extreme circumstances?

Urgh, interfering mothers...HATE THEM!! !

Basically, if I were you, I wouldn't converse with her. It's none of her damn business.

The reason they get so worked up is they imagine you as if you're going to be partners for life. Or they imagine you having kids together. So they start asking inappropriate questions and make sure you know they're watching you.

Keep away from her. If your boyfriend has a problem with that, well, I wouldn't know how to help you there. I wouldn't go to his house. But then again that might bring up even more friction.

Oddly enough, I'm fairly well equipped to answer your question, as I come from a highly conservative, Pro-Life religion but I am Pro-Choice. I personally would teach my own kids not to have an abortion, but I don't think it's my place AT ALL to try and tell anybody else what to do with their body.

First of all, this mother is sadly mistaken in thinking that being a teen parent is no different than being an adult parent. I have watched a teen parent situation for years, in that my niece got pregnant when she was 16. She chose to keep the baby, even though she was in NO PLACE to be a responsible parent. She then had the NEXT baby out of wedlock at 19. Then she got married and had one more. Then a divorce, and she is a single mother of 3 kids with not enough income and little help from the father(s) of these children. This girl was pretty smart, and could have gone to college and could have accomplished something. Once these children started coming, that was the end of college ideas. Now, the oldest girl is 16, and she is just another pregnancy waiting to happen. Your boyfriend's mother is living in a dreamworld if she thinks this all turns out just fine... it is a never-ending cycle of dysfunction, usually, with no way to climb out of the overwhelming poverty that accompanies teenage pregnancy and birth.

The only way for a teen pregnancy to work, in my opinion, is for someone to HAVE the baby, but give it up for adoption. I've known a girl who did just this, and her life went on and she married and had a very happy family, and that baby probably went to a loving home, better off than if it had stayed with its 15-year-old mother at the time. But giving up a baby is an incredibly difficult thing to do, and requires mental strength and support from intelligent, loving parents of the teen who is pregnant.

Thing is, even though I am a feminist and Pro-Choice, I can't really decide what abortion is, personally. Is it murder? I don't really know. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had been 16 and pregnant. I'm guessing? that I would have had the baby, but given it up. But I've known girls who have had abortions. They are not awful people. They were in dire circumstances with no support.

I do know one thing, though. Having a baby as a teen, and KEEPING IT, is a bad idea. Keeping the baby would only be a good idea if the teen had 1) a pretty spectacular boyfriend who was mature enough to be in love with the girl, and wanted a family, 2) spectacular parents who were supportive and had the mental ability and income to help out, and 3) the maturity in herself to go for the long haul with a child. It's rare to have all of these things. My niece had NONE of these three things. Her parents were supportive, but they have never had the income to help out as much as is necessary, and they never had the mental faculties to help out with this girl's decision-making process. They STILL, to this day, as she approaches 35, supplement her income. This means that they basically help to support a family of four, as they approach retirement. There's just not enough money to go around. It's a crappy way to go.

You are correct in being irritated with your mother. Dealing with her views is going to be difficult in that often, pro-life people base their stand on emotions. Nobody wants to think of a fetus(baby) dying. Abortions are horrible for everyone involved. But to have a discussion with her based on this topic will have no winner. All you can do is say "It's my understanding that ..." or "I can only say what my opinions are..." Being pro-life or pro-choice is about core beliefs, and these are hard to argue about rationally. Better to avoid the conversation as much as possible.

The most important thing to remember on this issue, though, is -- if you're going to have sex, have the sense to use birth control. In this day and age, there's no excuse NOT to. It's now FREE for women to obtain, through a doctor.

Last edited by schleppenheimer on 21 Oct 2013, 10:56 am, edited 3 times in total.

Quite frankly, it's none of her business at all.

And it doesn't have to be a difficult thing to deal with, should it come up in conversation.

You just say - I don't want to talk about it, thanks. Or, even, 'I haven't really thought about it, and I don't think I'm going to need to answer that question'. And change the subject, if you can.

The thing is, as you probably have gathered, sigh...sometimes we have to deal with people in life who believe in something so strongly they are going to want to shove it down your throat. I don't think you should run away. If you can deal with that in a calm, intelligent way when you're 17, well...you're miles ahead of most people.

How she deals with the issue (which is a complete non-issue as you are not pregnant) is her problem. Don't make it yours.

Dump him. You deserve better than to be drawn into his mother's drama.

Is this the same boyfriend who didn't like you having an account on here?

What is your relationship with your own mother? I used to refer anyone like that to my own mother who would soon put them straight.
On the other hand, I have so little respect for anyone who tries to tell me what to do that I will happily lie to them, so in your shoes I would just claim point blank that you and your boyfriend don't need to worry about that because you are still a virgin. Or say you are on the pill. Or that you trust God will guide you appropriately should such an occasion arise.

Agree with her that the best of possible worlds is one without abortion, and that you are in favour of policies that reduce the number of abortions. Explain that abstinence-only campaigns increase unwanted pregnancies and therefore abortions (don't have the source bookmarked on this computer, you have to search for it yourself), and that you favour policies that really work because knowingly supporting policies that don't work would mean condoning abortion, and that is also true for remaining deliberately ignorant which policies work. Policies that work are sex education, free and reliable contraception that prevents insemination, and promotion of homosexuality, because homosexual acts don't lead to pregnancy. I only propose that if you do agree with these policies, of course. Anti-abortionists usually dislike the policies which do reduce abortions. If your boyfriend's mother is one of those, you could let her tie herself into knots over her own inconsistencies.

If you want to be vicious, make sure that you deliver all this in a sweetly reasonable fashion, and with the presumption that the woman will agree with something so reasonable. If you want to have a chance of improving the relationship (and unless your boyfriend breaks off all contact with his mother or you break up with him, this will be a long term relationship, so you might as well make the best of it), deliver this in a reasonable manner with an acknowledgement that reality imposes a trade-off between moral prionciples that many people hold sacred enough that they feel there should not be a trade-off. If you agree that the trade-off is tragic, but unavoidable, make that clear.


That is true for opinions that result in actions which don't harm others at all or no worse than background level. But opinions that results in significant consequences for others I don't see as purely a private matter. If I were in favour of slavery, and the actions I take because of that opinion contributed to someone's enslavement (this is possible: http://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2013/oct/17/29-million-people-enslaved-global-index), then my opinion is not just a private matter. I don't agree that abortion is necessarily murder, but I think there is a good enough argument that it should not just be dismissed. Murder is important enough that opinions that result in actions are not just a private matter. I think the boyfriend's mother has a point. If DeviousDani can agree with that, it will help her take the boyfriend's mother seriously and to engage with her.

What? What has slavery got to do with it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If you are saying that there is a social responsibility - yes, it works through 'the law'. If the country has a democratic process, then that is where it is changed.

If OP was living in somewhere like Northern Ireland - where abortion is illegal despite it being part of the UK - then that changes the complexity.

From what you are saying, this means that both me and you have an equal social responsibility in imposing our will on DDani. That's nuts. Our responsibility would lie in confronting the democratic process behind the relevant laws - just like Wiberforce and slavery, and just like any such issue today.

This isn't even an issue, provided all the right measures are being taken to prevent it from being an issue. Now if they are not, then that's a different story, and I can see why her boyfriend's mother might want to say something. But guess what, that's none of our business really.

Tell you what - if DDani's mother is rude about it, I'd just show her the contraceptives, slap them right down on the dinner table (better if you're having dinner at the time) and tell her you'll be using them later on that night, under her roof If she's that nosy, she could even watch to see it was all being...sorry, me being rebellious and giddy.

It's an analogy.


How would you do that without persuading other people to your point of view?


Not at all.


Does that mean that if there is an issue where you think people act in ways you see as morally wrong, that you see it as your duty to engage them in discussion, find out their reasons for disagreeing with your views, and seeing whether you might come to an agreement? Then you would not treat people's reasons as a private matter. The democratic process has nothing to do with entirely private matters. The democratic process is intended to be the least harmful way of people interfering with each other's business, and that interference is only justified if that business affects others, meaning it is not entirely private.

I used slavery as an analogy because most people now agree that it is morally wrong, and that there is a moral duty to oppose it. I think there is a good chance you agree that murder is also morally wrong and similarly important. Then if someone has a remotely reasonable argument that an act is murder, I will take that person seriously when he or she sees it as a moral duty to oppose that act, and I will not claim that whether or not I carry out that act is a purely private matter and nobody else's business.

Well it's illegal to commit suicide (another insanity of laws thanks to the Christians) so I can see how that would extend to abortion.

There will be 9 BILLION f*****g PEOPLE on this planet soon (pun intended), whoever is willfully adding to this number is committing crimes against nature and humanity if you want to be purely logical about things.

Why does nobody consider if the children actual WANT to be born at all?! Because The God. If you take The God out of the picture, there is no way to justify procreation at this point.
a) there are too many humans on the planet anyway
b) there are too many orphans on the planet anyway

If you can't take The God out of the picture, than you make him responsible and let him deal with it.

You can't? Oh really? Why not?

^ Don't blame 'Christians'. God has nothing to do with how people interpret things to suit themselves.

I don't think, however, that I fully understand your post.

Gromit - you're taking a big moral picture out of a small private matter. It's as simple as that. The slavery was a very bad analogy.

Fact of the matter - it has NOTHING to do with you in the way that you think it is. There is no debate here, because the issue isn't a debate. There is no child. There is no murder. It's as simple as that. OP is seventeen, and doesn't need to answer this moral question if she doesn't want to. She doesn't need to discuss it with anyone until she is ready to. There is nothing morally wrong in not engaging in debate when there is nothing to debate.

For me, this isn't the right place to debate abortion - there's another thread for that. As far as I am concerned, it should be on the issue in hand, which is how it affects the OP's life, and how she should deal with her situation. And not what's good for society, or anything else.

can't address your points because

you are spot on there.

OP should hopefully find a way to deal with the situation that keeps everyone happy.

I can almost guarantee that the mother is going to get more and more involved in their love lives. I've been down this road before, and I regretted getting myself involved. I completely agree, Fnord. Prepare yourself, OP, for her to be constantly in your and his business, if she isn't already. I hope for your sake that you figure out how to deal with it. I was in tears most of the time.

Me too!! !
Good idea, he would be fine with that, I still want to go to his house we will just ignore those questions!

That's sad, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah I will be fine, my boy has stuck with me through everything anyway and we can get through these things together, we are strong