What was the right thing to say?

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I recently visited a new friend of mine. It was going well until she pointed out a collection of pictures on the wall, saying "This is my dad. He passed away two years ago. I really miss him sometimes...". I completely shut down at this and had absolutely no idea how to respond. I ended up just sitting there and staring, and I'm worried that I might've offended her since she said that I had to leave just a few minutes later.

I felt as though "I'm sorry for your loss." would've been wrong, because I feel like that can only be used for recent deaths, and two years doesn't seem recent.

"I'm sorry." also sounded wrong to me, for I felt as though saying that would've meant that I was sorry that she missed him. But it's not a bad thing to miss someone, so...

What would you have said?

I would have said something like "I'm sorry. That's a nice picture though and it's sweet of you to have it up like this." then I would have asked something about another picture or a knickknack or something to change the subject.

"This is my dad. (declarative) He passed away two years ago. (context) I really miss him sometimes..." (important)

The key is to identify the important part. It might have been appropriate to ask what some of her fondest memories were of her father.

I would have been like you - speechless. It's easy, in retrospect, to think of the appropriate things to say, but in real life, in real time, my tongue is tied. Since I'm so prone to saying the wrong things anyway I usually clam up.

"Of course you do. What was he like?"

Of course, having asked that would not actually mean that I cared what the answer was, and would certainly lead to a long monologue on the wonderful traits of someone I have no interest in hearing about, but it's the polite thing to do, so I would listen, nod and occasionally say "Mm-hmm," and "Kewl," and try to remember a few of the pertinent points in case they came up in conversation again at some later date.

It's dull and tedious, but just the sort of thing one does for those you like.


Her ushering you out the door, on the other hand, does not necessarily mean she was offended by your silence. She may simply have had other things that needed doing. Ask about her Dad some other time, "So tell me about your Dad, what did he do?" she'll be impressed that you were interested enough in her to inquire and that you remembered to do so.