Being too obsessive

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Lately, it has come to my attention why I can't socialize well (and as a result, have no GF): I'm a bit to obsessive and desperate.

Six years ago, a gal I went on one date with just lashed out on me because I got too desperate to see her and called her too many times. My lesson was learned, but yet I seem to be destined to repeat myself sadly! Please, no snide remarks or anything snarky, just serious help will do. What can I possibly do? I might as well live like a hermit if I can't change, which I want to.

It might be a challenge but keep a log of contacts. It'll help you to see when behaviors are becoming obsessive.

equestriatola, you're a nice guy, so I'm going to be very careful about what I say in this post -- I hope you'll do me the honour of reading my arguments with the same level of attention with which I wrote them.

First of all: There's nothing inherently wrong with having obsessive interests or even pursuing them (unless they come to interfere with the conduct of a normal and healthy standard of life) -- hell, if there was, quite a few Aspies would be in prison! -- and when such interests get out of control but only involve inanimate objects, then the intervention of social care and/or mental health specialists may be required.

But when the focus of such an obsessive interest is another person, then the obsessed individual's repeated pursuit of a relationship (however casual or informal) with that person may well fall within a legally-defined criminal form of anti-social behaviour (e.g., stalking or harassment).

Quite apart from unintentionally constituting the commission of criminal offences, such highly-focused activity centred upon the person who is the focus of the obsessive's interest may also cause the person who is the focus of such an obsession to experience great fear for their personal safety (and that of their family, if applicable).

Their emotional reactions to the unexpected and unwanted situation in which they now find themselves may even result in the person requiring psychiatric treatment, due to their perception that the repeated and unwanted attention exhibited by the obsessed individual may have threatening dimensions or implications.

I'm sure that most people who display such personal obsessions would never intend any harm to the person with whom they are obsessed, and would probably be puzzled and hurt that their attentions had produced such a reaction.

After all, they usually think the world of the person with whom they are obsessed (that's one reason they're obsessed with them, after all), and wouldn't want any harm to befall them.

I'm quite sure on a personal basis (because you seem such a nice guy in other respects) that you fit this category of 'harmlessness' equestriatola, which is why I'm glad you seem to be moving toward the acknowledgment of this aspect of your behaviour.

Because you have to face facts: If you continue to act in this way toward women you are interested in, then sooner or later you are probably going to find yourself on the wrong side of the law. All it takes is for one pissed-off woman to file a complaint, and the consequences could be very ugly for you.

All things considered, you should probably consider yourself lucky that this hasn't happened already.

You may not even think such behaviour is obsessional or unreasonable. But from what you have described on several threads, it is both, and is therefore highly risky to you on a personal basis.

You have said (iirc) that you have OCD. This tendency toward obsessional behaviour toward individuals could obviously be related to that condition.

I would therefore recommend that you re-engage with the relevant clinical specialists who deal with your condition, perhaps by seeking referral through your GP, specifically in order to discuss this tendency of yours to develop and pursue obsessions focused on individuals.

It won't be something they've never heard of before, so don't be worried about shocking them. And you're not officially regarded as an offender (yet) so the treatment probably won't be as severe or intense as it would have to be in cases of criminal rehabilitation.

I should imagine that your personal circumstances could be addressed easily, gently and sympathetically in a therapeutic setting, by a specialist in OCD-related behaviour.

It may lead to the prescription of a course of specifically behaviour-focused Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy or similar, and/or (more probably) to the prescription of anti-obsessional drugs to treat such thought-patterns, and if it does then you should follow the prescribed regime.

I can't predict the outcome of such specialist intervention, but I can say that if you carry on with your current patterns of behaviour, you will sooner or later (and probably sooner) get into legal trouble that could have dire implications for the rest of your life.

I hope this doesn't sound too over-earnest equestriatola, and that none of it offends you -- I have chosen my words with great care so as to avoid offence as far as possible.

I think you're a good bloke at heart, and I would be greatly saddened if behaviour attributable to your psychological condition ended up with you getting convicted as some kind of 'stalker'.

Other readers may now feel free to fling s**t at me, but I mean the above 100 per cent seriously and with regard to achieving the best possible outcome (i.e., for equestriatola in particular, the future women in his life in general, and his potential to find a suitable partner in the abstract future), by nipping a potentially very-unpleasant situation in the bud.

I wouldn't regard them as 'faults' if I were you -- they're actually strengths that you're currently applying in the wrong areas of your life.

Well, without knowing you better on a whole-person basis, I can't be specific.

But
1) strongly-focused interest in a subject
2) the ability to regard all other considerations as secondary with respect to that interest,
3) clearly-defined goals/objectives/potential outcomes relating to that interest, and
4) the indefatigable pursuit of that interest even when repeatedly confronted with 'dead ends' or rejections

are by definition powerful characteristics that would be regarded as highly-desirable in many fields.

Scientific research and police investigations are the two examples that spring most obviously to my rather-tired mind, and I have no doubt that these are just two components of what could prove to be quite a lengthy list.

It's really down to you if you want to pursue some specific calling to which these qualities could be applied. Or you might just divert them into harmless passions such as breeding prize cats, marathon-running, charitable activities, aiming to become the absolute best pizza restaurateur in town, or whatever floats your boat.

I've just thought of another possible occupation that could use those qualities -- high level sales executive: With personal attributes like those listed, you would have the potential to become pre-eminent in your field and perhaps attract huge salary/commission packages.

I really don't know, it's entirely up to you to find a practical (and preferably profitable) way of expressing those aspects of your personality.

With an imagination as active as yours, I'm sure it wouldn't take long to come up with some practical purpose to which you could apply your undoubted powers.

I do have potential. I just haven't used it yet.

I have this problem. Two things I have tried is to not call someone multiple time. It needs to be on a one-for-one basis. If someone does not return my calls, then I don't call them again. Another thing that might work (I have not tried it yet but will) is to make a schedule for calling someone (for example, once per week at a specific time). This makes you feel like you are safe in the relationship and gives the other person some space.

Obsessions are not necessarily a bad thing at all. But when it comes to socialising it helps to be broad and balanced. If you can somehow transfer your obsession of a certain person, onto something more constructive (i.e. how to become better socially, and therefore develop more friends) then you will do very well, and this particular obsession by its nature helps you to develop a broader range of interests (I know from experience!)

But when you are really into something, see how you can take the stuff you know about and are learning and use it to help others. you can even create a niche for yourself this way! That's what I call a very constructive obsession.

You could do with a hobby with reason to talk to people over it. Like something u can be deep in doing to absorb the obsessional part of you from which u can look up occasionally and talk about your interest to someone who has the same interest.

We might not be able to socialise for socialization' s sake but we can "talk shop" quite well. Better than well, be an expert at something and people might even look up to you if they have the same interest.

As a bonus, that's actually the kind of person who an aspie would be interested in, someone who shares an interest.

Don't let yourself call too many times. You may want to implement the three day rule. Where, after a date you don't call them for three days. Then you call. It shows that you are interested but not overeager or needy or stalkerish. It's like when the cool kids at school don't wear their concert tshirt the day after the concert like everybody else, they wear it the second day after the concert. I don't know why it is, it just is.