What is the best way to make friends with an Aspie?

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I am an NT who works with the AS community. I met someone a couple of years ago in a professional environment who I connected to right off the bat. We worked for a very short period of time together. The more I got to know her the more I suspected she might have AS.

I asked her to go out once and she became really upset with me, and told me I had crossed a boundary. I apologized. She asked me to stop trying a form a friendship that was not possible for her. I suspected she probably didn't want to get hurt, but wasn't 100% sure.

We no longer work together, but I do keep in touch with her. She does respond to my emails but it was made clear she did not want any type of personal friendship so I never pursued it until more recently. She said in an email that she is not the person I think she is.

I won't give my full response but basically I responded by stating that I love and accept her for who she is when the world is not watching and that this was the person I wanted to get to know better (all so true). I then stated that I hoped she would be open to a friendship with me and that she would one day trust me enough to let me in.

She shocked me by responding that she would think about it, but asked that I not push it any further.

She knows I work with the AS community, but she never said she had AS and I never brought it up.

My question is: should I just let her go and wait for her to contact me now or should I contact her again and if so when?

I am just trying to get an idea if how you would feel if you were in her position, and perhaps what she might be thinking or feeling right now. I know it is hard for to open up at any level. I am sure she has been badly hurt and maybe this is why she is so hesitant.

Just not sure what to do. I care about her a great deal.

Do you know or suspect any of her 'special interests?'

This is entirely from my own POV...

There are two kinds of people that I view with immediate suspicion: (1) Anyone who leads off with flattery, and (2) Anyone who talks like a Social Worker.

The first type seems to be buttering me up for a favor or a handout, while the second seems to be laying the groundwork for research with me as the prime guinea pig. Neither one is interested in me as a person.

Your approach seems clinical, thus I would be suspicious of you if you had initiated or tried to maintain a relationship with me in the manner that you have described.

Have you given any thought to appealing to her through her interests? Do you even know what those interests are? Don't assume to know, find out. Also, do you have the same interests? Don't feign interest just to get close, because one trait that seems fairly common among Aspies is our ability to spot insincerity a mile away (remember what I said about flatterers?).

Be honest, be sincere, and be ready to back off completely (and permanently) if she tells you to go away.

That's my advice; take it or leave it.

^ THIS.

I get the feeling you're interested in her mainly because she's backing off from you, not because you're interested in who she is. You're interested in her without really knowing who she is.

To add (because this damned thing won't let me edit), sometimes a person is enthusiastic about getting to know you better, and they treat you like a best friend, and they listen to you, and pay you lots of attention. Then you open up, and they find out what you're like (i.e. unattractive to them) then they drop you like a hot potato.

Thanks so much for all your input. I am trying to think of a way to respond briefly while still addressing the points you have made, which can be a challenge for me. Keep in mind that in order to do that I am leaving out a lot of details despite it's length.

I guess the best way to address everything is to say that I was interested in getting to know her better long before I ever suspected AS. So for me this isn't about learning more about AS, it's about trying to understand someone I care about a little better who may have AS. She has never disclosed to me.

I work as a life coach with the AS community, so there are many people I work with directly who would be willing to meet with me if I were studying AS in that regard. I just want to try to understand her a little better.

I know all of her special interests because that's how we met and the reason why I connected with her. I have never met anyone who was interested in all the same things as me.

Currently I know more about her than she does about me. There is a reason for that and I can explain if you think it is important to answering the question.

I have known her for 3 years, but most of our communication is surrounded by professional topics because she made it clear that is the way she wanted it.

We are both very prayerful people so on occasion I have asked her to pray for people and she always does. One time a close friend of mine lost her husband at a very young age and she wrote a beautiful prayer for her and forwarded it to me to give my friend.

More recently this woman's mother passed away (the friend I am asking for advice about) Her mother lives out of state so I emailed her expressing my condolences. In the email I changed the names of the prayer so they reflected her moms name and family members names and forwarded it to her.

She was extremely moved and told me she read it during grace on Christmas Day and her father was very touched as well.

That's about as personal as it gets until more recently when she said "I am not the person you think I am" I can also explain what she meant by that comment if you think it is important.

My response to her comment was the VERY first time I have ever said something like that to her as our conversations are strictly professional.

My feeling is that she gets very overwhelmed by the idea of friendship. She stated her need are very different than mine.

I think she is used to putting up the wall and just having people walk away. Most people wouldn't take the time to continue to keep in touch. Based on book recommendations she has made to me I can tell she has been just as wounded in relationships as I have been, which is a source of comfort to me because I know she is the only one who really understands my heart. I think that is why she continues to respond to my emails rather the ignore them. I have never shared that with her, but it's how I feel.

This is the very first time she has opened the door even a crack so I don't want to do anything to mess it up.

I guess my biggest question is why can friendship be so overwhelming for people with AS?

This is going to sound kind of sad, but speaking from my personal view... it's because we're not used to it.

My barriers are 20,000 stories higher than the average person's. Things that probably seem innocuous to you (inviting someone out to coffee) seem pretty damn serious to me, and will put me on the defensive, especially if the invitation is extended out of the blue. I've also unfortunately had some very unpleasant experiences with people who have been less than honest about their true intentions - I could tell that the "cup of coffee" was a lot more than that. Or at least, I saw it that way. I'm VERY sensitive about my personal space, and this extends to psychological space too, if that makes sense. I need to be able to get away, right away, if I need to, and that close friendship you're seeking threatens that.

Naturally that need for distance has alienated me from a lot of people. So when someone claims to want to be my friend, I instinctively go, "What for? You want more from this than I can reasonably give." And there you have it. Not to mention that I have a mood disorder on top of everything else, and... well, you understand things get more volatile with that in play.

She has to trust you on her own terms. Sometimes those terms won't make much sense. Sometimes you'll be downright baffled by them. But they have to be hers, and you have to be patient.

THIS^.

More often than not, someone will act friendly at first, only to treat us like crap when they either find out that they can't trick us into giving them what they want, that we won't answer all of their prying questions, or that we won't act like idiots just to entertain them. Some are so busy trying to explain why they think we should be friends that they forget all about being friendly. Those few people that we'd really like to remain as friends usually find other people whom they'd rather be with, at which point they act as if they never knew us.

Experience has taught us that real friends don't exist, and that those who would call us "friend" don't really want a two-way relationship with us - at least, not for very long.

How could a person convince you they are for real, a true friend? Is it a matter of time, or can other things be done/said to show a person is trustworthy?

People are not perfect. It is hard to deal with people who are generally untrusting because in our imperfection, we might offend. Not because we are mean or "fake", but because we are human and bumbling. Obviously, there are some who will drop a person like a hot potato (I've had that happen to me, too.) But, there are other people who truly do care and want to be friends. How can those people show they are "for real?"

Be friendly: Seek us out. Look at us. Talk with us. Share your dreams and hopes with us. Ask for our opinions. Listen to what we say. Learn about what interests us. Don't judge us as 'bad' when we're only 'different', and don't go 'ballistic' when we express an interest or opinion that you don't understand. Accept us as we are without trying to change us; and since we're not 'broken', stop trying to fix us! Don't use us for your amusement or to entertain your friends. Don't exploit our generosity or our willingness to believe that you really like us to get us to "loan" you things that we'll never see again.

And when we're finally ready to reach out to you and make physical contact, don't shy away as if we'll somehow contaminate you with "Autism Germs", or make obviously fake excuses as to why you can't be near us any more - most of us have heard all the excuses, and usually just before our "friends" have abandoned us.

Do you think you can do that, 24/7?

Really?

Dear Sinanju,

This is perfect. It makes perfect sense to me, and explains a lot. Can you elaborate more on the "need to get away, right away if you need to" and "she has to trust you on her own terms?" I just want to get a better idea of what that looks like.

I am very patient of people's idiosynchrosies; we all have them. I try to be accepting of others, because it is important to me that others are accepting of me. All friendships experience some turbulence at some point, but I have never ended a friendship because of it. I have friends I have been friends with since birth. I am also the youngest of ten, so you learn to just accept people for who they are. I also had a brother who I think had AS so this could be why I am more open to people. For me it isn't about labels etc. They don't matter much to me. However, sometimes knowing someone is dealing with something at a different level helps to provide insight into their behavior. For me that is helpful because I am hypersensitive and take things personally.

I don't mind waiting. I think it will be a fruitful relationship. Have you ever felt like you met someone for a reason?

For me, when I feel threatened, it's a feeling that applies across the board. It's a mental reeling away, but also physical. It feels like my entire body is on fire, I start babbling/stuttering because I'm not sure what to say - I guess I'd compare it to lounging on a nice beach one minute and being thrown into some water full of sharks the next. I'm flailing and I'm desperate to get out. Even if you didn't intend to come on aggressively, you threw me out of my comfort zone, and that's why you're seeing a reaction that's otherwise nonsensical to you. We're being forced to swim when we don't really know how. How would you feel if you couldn't get away, right away, from that? Probably not great.

I do believe you that you're patient and a good person. I believe you probably have the best intentions in mind. But assessing my behavior after the fact, I've come to realize... it's just not logical, no matter how you slice it. It's a disorder that we can't help. It's literally our own brains working against us and all the logic and "best intentions" in the world don't matter. We might not be that different because "hypersensitive and takes things personally" is exactly how I would describe myself. I'm not sure if I've ever felt like I met someone for a reason... to be honest that's kind of a personal question and people will have different answers, but I tend to be ultrapragmatic (to my own detriment) by default, so I guess I'd say no.

My best advice would be to take it slowly. Really, really slowly. Drop hints - don't SLAM invitations in her face. Just talk to her and be supportive. "On her own terms" means that she will be the one to initiate those invitations instead. You can drop hints ("I wonder how that new coffee place is...") but let her guide the overall tone of the conversation. We're a little awkward, but we're not stupid, and I personally am always excited when someone talks to me and shows continued interest in me. It just takes me a while to build up my courage and make that last step of "Hey, wanna go out some time?"

Thanks SO much Sinanju. I really appreciate yiur insight. You have no idea. It's so helpful and makes me feel better.

The problem is I no longer work with her so all of our interactions are via email and it is always me who initiates the email. She always responds, but her response is usually brief. To her defense, when I do email her it's usually me either asking her a professional question or just sending her something that I think she would be interested in or like I said before a prayer request. I also have a tendency to bombard her with emails over a short period of time (well not 100 emails but maybe 2-3 emails within a few weeks then I won't email her for 2-3 months. I am not sure why I do that, but I imagine it is overwhelming for her. She's such a nice person though; very gracious.

I think if she spent more time with me in person she wouldn't feel as awkward around me. I find her very endearing. She knows I care about her, but she thinks I have her on a pedestal which I think makes her feel even more pressure.

There is so much more to the story I am not revealing because it would make for a very long post.

I am just not sure how to build a friendship with her via email. She said that she is simply and only a person whose aspirations as I recognize as similar to her own and that it ended there.

A brief summary of my response is in my very first post. I told her that I didn't want to close the door on her bc I felt like that is what everyone else does or has done in the past. I think maybe she keeps people out, and they just don't persist. Interestingly enough she said she would think about a friendship with me.

I guess I just don't know how to keep it going without overwhelming her. At this point maybe I should see if she reaches out to me. Just wondering how you might respond to this situation if you were on her end or on mine.

Thanks so much for your help! Again, it makes me feel so much better. I kept thinking what is wrong with me that she doesn't want to be friends. Just hurtful, but I am understanding much better now. I can tell she tries hard not to hurt my feelings. She is very gentle with me which makes things even harder bc it just confirms the fact that she has an enormous capacity to love. Who wouldn't want someone like that as a friend.

Oh one more question, what situation would make you feel like you needed to flee?

This might not be the answer you want to hear, but... I would just keep doing what you're doing. One of my major hobbies is roleplaying, which involves a lot of back-and-forth e-mailesque conversation, and I've made plenty of great friendships that way. It's certainly possible, but the decision to escalate it beyond that needs to be hers. You need to wait. I'm glad you care about her and recognize how many people have shut her out. Honestly, I wish I was so fortunate when I was younger and felt all alone in the world. But you still need to wait. If she wants to do more, eventually, she'll let you know. But you need to be patient, and you need to wait for her to reach that point. Pushing it along faster will only work against you. And hey, you've already been given an answer - "I'll think about it" can sometimes be a brush off, but sometimes, it can be a really good sign.

Basically, above all else, never forget you're dealing with someone whose brain is configured differently. Sometimes we will act illogically, and you just kind of have to coast through that and not get frustrated - that is the sign of a TRUE friend. Imagine how we feel, having to deal with it more directly!

Again, this can vary, but situations that make me feel MOST uncomfortable are those that are centered on me. I remember just recently a peer in my class coming on very strongly, clearly interested in something I wasn't, and kept asking questions about me, me, me. Thinking back, that's what bothered me the most, even more so than the borderline harassment. I do enjoy talking about myself as much as the next person, but when it's too much attention, it piles up way too fast for me to process, and I burn out.

So if you want to make this person more comfortable - and again this might sound weird - try talking about yourself more. Things you think she might be interested in, but that don't pressure her to respond too much. Tip the balance a little more towards yourself and see how she reacts. She might start opening up a little bit more about herself when she has more room to breathe, so to speak.

This is perfect. I do appreciate your input. No. She has brushed me off for 3 years. I think she really will think about it. You're right. I just need to give it time.

Not sure how I can focus the conversation on myself in a way that will interest her. She is a top researcher in her field. She has access to and has met people who are FAR more interesting than me, and much more accomplished. You would be amazed at the people she comes into contact with. I can't really compete with that.

I think she is finally realizing though that those things mean nothing to me and that I see beyond all of that. And although I do see myself as a person of value, sometimes I feel like a I have nothing to offer her as far as that is concerned. I am a good friend and I care about people, but I there is nothing fascinating about me to her.

I hate to sound self deprecating because I am confident in who I am and what I bring to the table as far friendship is concerned, but to someone if her stature I just feel like she would be terribly bored by anything I shared about myself. Not sure if that makes sense.

Personally power and prestige mean nothing to me. I am a teacher. I try to just enjoy the simpler side of life.

Are you so sure there's nothing interesting about yourself? That's a little sad to me. I get told all the time how smart I am, how intimidated people are by what I know and what I can do, but you might be surprised at the things that hold my interest. Just because someone's smart doesn't mean they're not interested in things "unintellectual" by default. Have you ever heard the phrase "it's lonely at the top"? Maybe that might put it in perspective a little better. There are a lot of "smart" things I'm into, sure, but I also like cheesy Godzilla flicks and could talk about those all day.

And I'd give everything I know and then some for a good friend. That's more worthwhile to me than bragging about who I've rubbed noses with or how many awards I've won. Some of the best, most "fascinating" individuals I've ever met have been teachers. That's a line of work I'll always respect.