What am I doing wrong?

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Today's date is 01.10.14.

My mother is a generous person. People tend to take advantage of her. She is from India and doesn't quite get American culture.

An elderly ""friend" came by our home today and asked me to give her a bag that she handed me. She said tell her "Merry Christmas". My mother does this woman a lot of favors.

I told my mother that it was insulting. This clearly was a re-gift. People buy Christmas presents for people they care about BEFORE Christmas. Not over two weeks later.

She became enraged with me saying I was trying to impose my values on her. We do have different values, but I also love and care about her and felt insulted this woman would do this to her. My mother does a lot for her. Why couldn't she buy her a gift before Christmas?

Am I doing something wrong?

If your mother liked the gift then what is the problem?

Not always true. I got my best friend's birthday present over a month late, BECAUSE I COULDN'T AFFORD IT BEFORE THEN. All the care in the world doesn't make money magically manifest.
If this woman is old then she may be on a pension and thus on a tight budget.

I haven't given my mum her christmas gift yet. I got it before christmas, but then we had an ice storm and her power was out and s**t happened, so I haven't seen her since in order to give it to her.
Poeple get busy over the holidays, and it's hard to co-ordinate schedules. I think you're being hard on this woman.

I think it really wasn't any of your business to begin with. Maybe it is a regift who cares? She didn't like the gift so she gave it to someone who would. She didn't buy one maybe she didn't have the money? Let it go it's not even an issue.

the OP's heart was in the right place.

It can be humiliating to imagine people you think like you are being insulting. Seems to work best if it's done very gently: "I think maybe..." Rather than directly "she is being". Your mother may feel you are stirring up trouble for no reason, even though you only want to protect her.

Would you be as insulted if that woman made the gift?

I've given people late Christmas presents or usually birthday presents. Life gets in the way and you don't have any time to buy a gift on time or give it to the person.

Sometimes the times passes so quickly that I might not even buy a gift at all. Now I think not being given a gift at all would be more insulting.

I know that question wasn't for me, but I would have been, yes. People who make their own gifts are either children giving older family members crap they made in school or daycare, or grandmothers who knit things for their grandchildren.

It's cheap and never wanted. It's really saying "I couldn't bother to give you a real gift".'



OP, I agree that re-gifting is cheap and insulting. It's saying "I got this and think it's lousy, but it's good enough for you". Even if it was something I actually wanted, I would have felt that way, because it's such a clear message.

But I also agree with what other said that sometimes life gets in the way and you can't deliver it in time. And sometimes it arrives too late in the mail, so I can't make it on the right date.

Um, no, on several levels.

For starters: I cherish few things the way I cherish what my children have made for me in school or daycare. That you would call the work of a child "crap" says a lot about you, and it's not positive.

I also knit. My oldest child is six, and I knit things for both of my kids; if I'm a grandmother, we've made new strides in biology. I have won awards for what I do. I am very, very good at it, and this is not me being obnoxious/egocentric - really, I am good at it. One of the great joys of making something by hand is that it takes time and effort. Any ass*&% can go to the store and spend $10 for a shirt; it takes effort to actually make something. Furthermore, it is unique - no one else walks around wearing the designs I make, and they are absolutely something to be proud of. That you have not had something handmade that you could be proud of says more about you than it does me. Hint: you are being judgmental.

OP: Things Happen. I adore my sister and brother-in-law; that said, I could not afford to give them a gift before Christmas - the money just wasn't there. I was supposed to go to my parents' house for Christmas; my kids got sick, and we were unable to go. We are exchanging Christmas gifts this weekend (two weeks later). Did this woman have the financial resources to give your mother a present before Christmas? Or is she doing the best she can with limited resources?

In all fairness, OP, you were there and the woman handed you the gift---if it was a rapid exchange in which you heard her crossing something off her to do list, I understand why you are insulted for your mother. But I also understand why she would not want to see it that way, as if she does, it may become hard for her to avoid an unpleasant unproductive confrontation.

The mere fact that she gave something late isn't something we can determine the meaning of, I think you were there, you have to think about it, trust your instinct a little anyway.

I find it less concerning she gave it late than if she handed it to you with no effort to find a way to give it in person, ask how your mother is, wish her well, that to me is weird. I don't usually give gifts, if I do, they mean something to me, as does the person and their reaction. That's unless they spent the holiday together or something and she had already talked to your mom about giving her something later.