If you want a friend, be a friend

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I just read a very short article from an advice column. I wanted to share it with everyone. It has very good idea on ways to meet people. Although it was written by a senior, it applies to any age. I've cut and paste the article below, and added a link for those interested. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

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DEAR ABBY: Enough with the problems! It's time you printed a positive letter.
I'm an active, friendly senior who lives alone, but I'm not lonely. I have many friends of all ages and a devoted family. Why? Because as I traveled through many states during my life, I reached out to people along the way.

The saying, "If you want a friend, be a friend," is true. If we want friends, we can't sit back and wait for people to come to us. Smile, speak up, pay a sincere compliment -- just communicate! If you do, the majority of people will respond positively.

I socialize with people my age in church circles, card clubs and dining-out groups who can't understand why I'm always so busy. They don't reach out except to people they already know. As people get older, that group is constantly shrinking. Join a religious group, community clubs and organizations. Volunteer to read at schools and libraries. Visit a senior group or center.

Many people of all ages fear they won't be accepted. But if they show up with a friendly attitude, they will be. You have to contribute -- whether it's with a smile, an opening remark or some other welcoming gesture.

I served in the military, taught Sunday school, led Girl Scouts, garden clubs, church and neighborhood groups while following my husband through eight states and raising three children. My husband was often away in his business, but we had a strong, supportive marriage. He joined me in many activities when he could be home.

I think many people have forgotten we must give in order to get. When we reach out to others, most of the time those people reach back. -- NOT LONELY IN WOODSTOCK, ILL.

DEAR NOT LONELY: It's easy to see why you have a wide circle of friends. Your positive energy leaps off the page.

There are two types of people in the world: those who come into a room and their attitude says, "Here I am!" and those who come into a room and their attitude says, "There you are!" You are one of the latter. If people want a warm welcome, they should keep in mind that the happier they are to see others, the happier others will be to see them.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

http://news.yahoo.com/portrait-man-39-w ... c_src=copy

Oh, I beg to differ with Ms. Abby - apparently my experiences have been somewhat different than hers...

Not if you're doing it wrong, they won't. There are all sorts of unwritten, unspoken rules to neurotypical social interaction and if you can't grasp those and replicate them, you will not be accepted. "Just communicate" is no help if you're desperately trying to share a fascination with a personal interest and instead you're unknowingly boring people to death, babbling about something they couldn't care less about. And if you're bluntly honest and don't fully grasp the rules, a 'sincere compliment' may get you slapped, or fired for sexual harassment.



Yeah, that Selective Mutism kinda puts the kibosh on "opening remarks." I always greet people with a friendly hand gesture and some attempt at a smile (which generally looks disturbingly unnatural on the Aspie face), but that doesn't keep people from talking about how odd I am behind my back and using me as a scapegoat when they see trouble coming. Like Keanu Reeves, I'm quite familiar with the underside of the bus, thanks.



Neurotypicals are full of this sort of Pollyanna goody-two-shoes advice on how to pollinate the Sunflowers of Friendship by becoming a Social Butterfly, but it doesn't work for people who aren't Born to do the NT Boogie. If your brain isn't preprogrammed with the proper social code, just "putting yourself out there" is a recipe for disaster and humiliation.

I truly wish it were that simple - I may just be a surly curmudgeon - but Dear Old Abby has never had to live with an autistic brain in her head and I don't think her advice is in any way applicable to our problems.

Don't over analyze this. Take it with a grain of salt. And try! Everyone is different.

I tried my best. I will continue to try my best, "70 x 7"-style, until I am allowed to matriculate into the summerlands.

In other news... the sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...there'll be sun...

Sometimes you need to analyze it a bit or you will will set yourself up for disaster especially if someone just decides to go out one day and make friends with whoever they see. That can be a very dangerous thing.

I'm not saying it's a bad idea. You can be put in many situations when the opportunity comes up.

Another problem with this is we're not all going to even go to church or girl scouts or some club we have no interest in. I remember when people kept recommending I go to an astronomy club but at that time I wasn't interested in meeting new people who would see me clumsily trying to work my telescope like the noob I was.

I don't know about other people but I have a very narrow area of focus when it comes to making friends. I do go out of my way to try and meet and befriend these people and sometimes it works, sometimes the rejection hurts so much I won't even try to think about it for a couple of months. People can tell when you're desperate. Even I can tell when other aspies are getting too clingy. It can get very uncomfortable and even a bit suffocating. Not literally but in a personal space type of way.

It just seems like such an extroverted thing to say 'just go out and do it' without giving it much more thought.

And remember once you have friends and they are the outgoing type you will lose a lot of time you usually have to spend with your special interests.

It's a numbers game.

Yeah, you might be doing it wrong, but the more you do it, the more likely you will find someone who "gets" you.

Thank you. It is nice to read something positive, but Not Lonely in Woodstock sounds a bit patronizing. Like the kind of person who has never been depressed who says to a depressed person, "just smile and be positive and you'll be ok" like it's that easy. I don't think this woman actually understands what we have to deal with, what our limitations are and she probably just thinks that we're being lazy, boring and plain old lame.

Yes, I agree, to have a friend you have to be a friend. I definately think that us quirky folks are traumatized by years of getting things wrong and facing bullying and abuse from people who don't understand us. It can be hard to open up to people, even if you have grown a bit and have developed better social skills over the years, there is still that self doubt in the back of your mind about whether you are going to be accepted.

I suppose you do just have to keep trying until you meet someone you get along with and who accepts you for who you are. After all, you won't make any more friends by just giving up. I genuinely believe that getting involved in clubs and such is the best way to meet new people and would advocate it.

Oh please