A liar?

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I decided to let someone go friend-wise because I really feel that they have not appeared to take much interested in me as a friend like they say they do. They often say they are going to come do something with me and then back out last minute saying that their family wants to to do this or that. This is because they live under a parent's roof and are required to follow the rules right now or so they say. The thing is, I feel that in my heart, if they were interested they would make the time.

I wrote them a letter and told them that I would love to believe them but their backing out appeared to happen just about every time. They wrote back and said:
"I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to get together with you for coffee but I was just too busy. I don't want to lose you I am sorry."

I replied back and said that I had felt like I was at the bottom of their list and that they just have not been honest with me.
For example, I got invited to a new Year's Party at their house and they do not live on transportation. So they agreed to pick me up from the closest train station since they just got their license. I had not heard anything from them so I confirmed about 4 hours before and they said that they could not come. This was because on of their family members told them that since they have a new license, no passengers can ride with them for the first six months. It was suddenly other friend's responsibilities to give me a ride.

I asked them why either the parent or sibling did not give me a ride. "I did ask them but both refused to help you. My mom said no and my sibling just rolled their eyes at me. I tried to tell you I really did but I did not have time."

Then they promised to come to my New Year's Day brunch which did not do. They did call me and tell me that they could not make it because their parent made them clean up the day after. However, upon speaking to a few guests at my party, he was going to another party of another friends of our's.

I called him out on that is when he said things that did not add up:
1. Mom made me clean up the house
2. I was tired and slept in until 2:00
3. I had not gone over to their house for years
4. I did not go to a certain restaurant because my mom and I went grocery shopping

Yes, he is a Liar, but calling him that misses the point. Most people are habitual, casual liars. To the point that they don't even know that they're doing it, and don't see it as lying. It's just a convenient way to get to point A to point B. To some people, it's not only acceptable, but required. Some will actually get mad at you for *NOT* lying to them. Call it a white lie or a social convention or diplomacy or whatever. Most people have no idea how offensive lying is to an Aspie and, if you try to tell them, they'll shrug it off and not hear it. Really. Most people are absolutely uneducable and are incapable of understanding why lying is such a big deal.

He is not trying to hurt you. He's just not trying to do anything at all and not thinking about your feelings. You are not important enough for that.

Personally, I can't handle people like that and walk away as soon as I realize that the constant, casual, habitual lying is the way it's going to be.

I *CAN* handle being a low priority to a casual friend. I have friends who are a low priority to me. It's not like a marriage, where you have the reasonable expectation of constant attention and monogamy. Some friends are just more important than others. (That doesn't excuse the lies. He should still be considerate enough to tell you if his plans change.)

You can't change the world, and getting worked up about it will only cause you stress. You need to either accept that your friend is a casual liar and that you are not a priority, or ditch him and move on. Love him as-is or leave him alone.

He is on the Autism spectrum and I know he is not targeting me personally. Upon listening to him though and seeing what you are telling me, you are right. In fact, I would say that he seems to spread drama on FB. Most of it revolves around:

1. His father estranging his two siblings from him because he is Autistic when they were younger
2. How his two siblings ignore him whenever they are at home and often spend time visiting
3. How is father is a sociopath and how most people don't seem to see it.
Other things:
1. He invited another friend of mine to the party who I am being careful around because they are making bad choices. Anyway, he told me that he did not want to invite them in the first place due to the other friend being stubborn. However HIS parent made him invite them against HIS own will.
2. Then he also told me that this other friend was suddenly NOT returning HIS calls.

As for your advice about me cutting him out of my life, I that is exactly what I had to do yesterday. In fact, that is when I told him that I not get a fair shake in terms of getting a ride from the train station. He just started talking about how the other friend behaved themselves. I replied and said, "This conversation has nothing to do with whether or not the other person behaved. I am talking about you."


That is when they responded with all kinds of hogwash about the parent and sibling and then their lies about New Year's. Then he said "I am was going to invite you to an event on Friday since we have not seen each other in a while." I rolled me eyes and thought "Yeah right." I did not even respond to him after that and said "Ok, he's got a problem."

I even told him that I felt like I was at the bottom of his list and he did not agree with me on that. He seemed to think he was right and that I was not.

The ride itself, or lack thereof, isn't really the issue. What I couldn't handle is the fact that he made a promise on which you depended, and he either changed the plan and didn't bother to tell you, or he never intended to really do it in the first place.

The only thing he cares about is getting from point A (an uncomfortable conversation with you that's mostly over his head and not interesting in the least) to point B (appeasing you for the moment so you'll shut up about his behavior, focus on HIS problems and offer sympathy). And the quickest way from point A to point B is to say whatever works. He doesn't grasp the fact that it's a lie or that the lying is the problem, not the solution.

Inviting you to that event on Friday was just a coo-ing noise, intended to soothe and appease for the moment. The fact that you both already know it's a lie doesn't register in his mind at any level. He sees nothing wrong with it. You are so far down at the bottom of his list that he doesn't even know it.

"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig." ~ Mark Twain

I did not ask him for a ride, he came up with it on his own when I was in the car of another friend. He told me in front of my friend that he would pick me up, while agreeing to let my other friend take me home that night.

I even felt that I am on the bottom of his list.

As for the soothing part, I knew he was not going to invite me to that event this Friday night and I knew he had no intent to meet me for coffee. I also know that he did not try to contact me about why he could not pick me up. I also would have never thought about him lying to my other friend and I about picking me up at the train station like that.

What I do know is that he constantly says things like, " I will make it up to you, I promise and that I never meant to hurt you."
I also know when I brought up about hearing that he was attending the other party is when things got garbled. He said,"I don't know where they might have gotten that information from."