Listening to NTs vent/complain

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This is a difficult thing for Aspies since empathy is involved. I know it is hard for me to listening to people complain without trying to immediately jump in and start offering solutions. I've learned the hard way that this is not what NTs usually are asking for when they start to go off about something. They are looking for empathy, which is sometimes hard to recognize for Aspies (at least for me).

I've recently had some success using some keywords and phrases during such conversations. There is no natural flow for me, so it is all calculated and forced (Aspie style), but it seems like I have empathy when I say things like "that sucks" or "that's a BS situation to be in", or a simple "that sounds frustrating". At right moments, say something like "what happened next?" or "what did you do?" Always remember to nod and go "uh-huh" every once in a while, especially when not making eye contact so it seems like you are listening. Only offer solutions if directly asked something like "what do you think I should do?"

Any other strategies that work for you?

Last edited by Fortran77 on 12 Jan 2014, 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

In social situations I'm typically the quiet one. I have no solutions to offer. Even if I do have an opinion I'd rather it was dragged out of me. Since I'm prone to saying the wrong things it usually seems best for me if I just kept my mouth shut.

Actually, I've had no problem empathizing with people, NT or Aspie.

I think I'm actually pretty good showing sympathy or empathy with most people during two-way conversations. Especially if they talk about an unpleasant experience I can relate to, such as getting surgery or losing their pet. It's only if they go on whining about something really trivial or a common part of "smalltalk" like the weather that I get annoyed and secretly wish they'd shut up. For example it'll be really cold out and someone will say to me while I'm outside, "Sure is cold out", and I may say sarcastically while shivering and bundled up "Oh really? I didn't even notice!"

Listening and nodding and saying "oh, that sucks" is actually good advice. My understanding is that a lot of men aren't good at it and have to develop empathy anyway. It's in the nature of men to try and offer advice, but it's never wanted when someone just needs to vent.

I just listen and try to not offer any advice unless they ask me to.

Do you say anything? I've had some bad experiences not saying anything or being slow to say something.

I always try to offer a solution when I can (which is not very often)... Good to know that's not what people are typically after.

Athough the question is not directed towards me, if you are in doubt about whether to say anything or not, just be supportive of the other's feelings. If they ask for something, or for any advice, help out. You can even offer to help if the other is feeling overwhelmed:

example: He or she is stressed out and has opened up to you about it. They are stressed that they have to take care of assignments at work/school, organize for the party you are both welcome to and are attending, and need to pick up a friend from the bus station. You can offer to take care of organizing or picking up that friend if you know that friend well enough as well. that's supportive and it relieves them from having to do too much.

I say "yeah" and "that sucks man" that's about it really. It can vary but mainly I just listen.

Is that really so different from us? What do we want when we went?

For me at least, what I'm looking for in that situation is just someone to hear me out, and not admonish me for feeling what I feel or try to give any advice (any eventual advice needed on the topic has to come at a later point when I’m receptive; otherwise I’m just likely to blow up even more). Expressing understanding is appreciated and hoped for, agreement would be nice but not required. Understanding and lack of disagreement are the main things.

Interesting. My experience has been that it's more often other women who tend to jump in with unsolicited advice and off-the-cuff "solutions," while men often seem more aware that they don't have to "get it" and there's probably a lot more to the picture than what I've said in two sentences.

Right now I have some issues and personal challenges that female friends tend to want to revisit and "solve." The friends who are able to let it be, and just split and stack a pile of firewood or otherwise enjoy each other's company without navel-gazing, are male.


Some forms of NT repetitive venting can be destructive. If I'm at a party and someone goes from one negative/criticizing/complaining topic to the next, I find myself needing to refill my water or check out the dessert buffet. But when empathy is called for, I really like your list Fortran77 and think you've summarized it really succinctly.

Thanks, ZaphodsCloset. I've always been good at summarizing.