Bringing Out the Social Side of Me

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I remember when I heard a karaoke cover of Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All" and heard that key line: "the greatest love of all is inside of me". Ever since I heard that line, I have been working hard to bring out the party animal in me. Like a natural introvert, I like to do things that means I don't have to bring out my awkward personality. Though, everyday, I secretly wish I was anything from an entertainer to a motivational speaker, an activist, a fighter, a poet, an adventurer or risk taker, etc. Hell, maybe even a sex symbol, if I want to take it that far. These days, I am trying to stop wishing I was more like the people with more confidence and just work on what I can.

One day I was imagining myself as a rock front man doing scissor kicks, banging my head, holding the microphone, just letting the nervous energy take control. After thinking about it, I just did it in the safety of a private room. Once I did, I felt like a badazz. I did dancing, singing, This past year, I have been trying to shake off the fear of doing what I can and cannot do for the fear that I look stupid doing it. The same happened when I thought my vocals were too boyish. You see my singing voice is more shy and gentle than the direct, heartfelt voice of Laura Jane Grace of Against Me! Regardless, I let go of my need to rush and just used my inner feelings, thoughts and drive to get me closer to my goal.

In the past, I didn't want to bring attention because I used to be afraid of outside deviation, but after a while, I just stuck my middle finger high and did what I had to do. After all, doing anything in the private space of your room may seem dorky in your head, but it could be practice for the next time your talents are needed. Now, I can't promise there will be no more nervousness, but I have learned to embrace the awesome and awkward side of me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be having any fun. I would just feel like a dork trying to open myself up. Who wants to live that life?

Has anyone else tried to pull out a side of themselves they never explored before?

At parties I end up going to (relatives birthday, etc), people usually put on some awful loud hip hop beat and freestyle over it. I've only done it once, and I did awful, but everyone seemed happy. I also went to a yoga class out of the blue one day. I was the only guy, and got dirty looks the whole time, but it was different. I still ditched before it was over, but still.

A co-worker said a shy, awkward person has a huge advantage when presenting themselves, because people aren't expecting anything from them. When a person who is outward and loud is on the spot, they have to really show themselves up, but the quiet guy just has to try.

It'd be nice to be the guy I want to be, going out and sailing, climbing, all that, but being a consistent person without flair is equally attractive...

I can totally relate in that lately I've been working on having letting quirky parts of myself go and feeling more comfortable doing so. My boyfriend knows of nearly all of my quirks and special interests (which I rarely reveal to others outside my mom and my therapist) and he is still crazy about me...and still doesn't think I'm on the spectrum. :S

For my birthday last year, I went to kareoke and ended up rapping one of the songs I liked as a teenager that I still knew all the words to (hip-hop was my special interest back then). My boyfriend caught it on tape and he taught it was hilarious, but in a good way that wasn't shaming who I was. I felt really embarrassed afterwards because I am hardly "ghetto" at all and people may have found it strange to see a plain looking caucasian girl knowing all the words to this song...but every person who attended the party is still my friend and none of them treat me differently, so that tells me something