I have had enough

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I have been having trouble with someone who says and thinks that he is a friend. He has made commitments with me on several occasions by making promises and constantly breaking them. For the most part he invited me to do things and then backs out with some sort of excuse.

"Well I want to do something with you because you are my friend but something always comes up."


This is week I was invited to a semi formal for an organization that helps people with special needs get jobs and offered to get me some networks. He said that he would buy me the tickets yesterday and I never heard back. He texted me a few minutes ago and said that his mother is too sick for him to go out and buy the tickets. ( I know that's a lie because his mother is able to care for herself.) He said that he always stays home to make her tea. Then I called him out about promising to buy the ticket and it was
"I was gonna buy it but I saw how sick my mother was in that she could not handle her lap top.." So I just blocked him on my phone because he keeps pulling this on me.

I know his mother isn't that frail because she is pretty young, healthy and seems to be a pretty strong woman to me. I also know that she can take care of herself. He seems to bail on social events a lot saying that he wants to this or that but his mother wants this or that or told him something at the last minute.

I know he is not interested but I don't get why he would keep inviting me to things and than constantly bailing out on me with these excuses. I also know he is hiding something but what do you think it means if I have not already answered my question?

Does he know whether you have other friends?

Oh yes he is quite aware of it. He makes and breaks promises with them all the time with my other friends too. He often tells them he is going to be there and then breaks it with the same excuse. It seems to be a different lie with each friend. He is also just not really responsible either.

I have had generally similar situations. In such cases there comes a point with me where, rather than continuing to spin my wheels trying to make something work, I have to ask myself: "Am I enjoying myself in this relationship? Are my interpersonal wants and needs being met? Is this fun?".

If the answer to myself is "no", then I entertain the idea that it may be time to move on. About 99% of the time that finally turns out to be the better approach to take.

Other's mileage will vary, of course.

I have not thought about doing that Marky9 in terms of my needs being met. I just watch the other person's behavior and if it is a pattern I back off.

This guy is also on the Autism spectrum but also appears to have some other form of mental illness as well. This is because I had caught him in a lie and I know this due to speaking to another new friend of mine who does not trust this guy. He happened to contact my other friend and tell him that he was heading out somewhere tonight. This was after twisting the truth with me.

I don't know what you call this form of mental illness but it sure sounds like one.

You should be as direct with him as possible. Say that you've noticed a pattern with his behavior and then bring up the instances you've described in the same way you've done here. He will continue this behavior if you don't speak up, and may not even be aware it is an issue until you do.

I find that statement interesting. If someone values you enough to want spend time with you, they'll make plans that they're sure they can keep. An occasional cancellation in is understandable, but even then a friend would take extra care to honor their commitments next time. You're right in that he's hiding something, but he doesn't know how to tell you. Like other posters have mentioned, asking him directly may give him a chance to explain.

Believe me I have. The problem is that he does not want to admit that something is wrong. I also think that he has some other type of issues going on. After he had the courtesy to invite me and then turn around and say that he was too busy to buy my ticket, another friend of mine got a strange FB about having to pull out of a meet up event. The problem was that my friend never heard of that event.

The other thing to is that I have told this friend three times that I was not interested in maintaining the relationship with him and he had called me three times.

This is the same thing I would have recommended, but if you've already brought the issue up with said person and they still keep doing it, then I would say it's probably best to move on as well. Just ignore their calls/texts. Some people are just flakes for whatever reason, and I'm sure sometimes it's innocent (ie. they're just such a busy person that they bite off more than they can chew), but that doesn't sound like what it is in this instance.

All I know is that I am pretty angry with him. I really looked forward to attending that event too since I am looking really hard for work. I also asked if I could speak with his mother to confirm. She texted me and said that she really was sick with a cold. Then she said "Have fun at the gala." I did not even respond because I was too confused.

I never heard from him since then either so.

Eh. I have a couple of friends whose lives are chronically falling apart, and if they're in bad shape they just don't respond. Six months later they come back full of apologies, and we make plans, and sometimes their lives stay taped together and we actually get together, and others not. I've just learned not to make plans with them that'll get in the way of anything else I want or need to do. They don't mean any harm, they just don't know how to manage their lives.

I do have a friend I've been annoyed with the last year or so because her reasons for never getting together kind of offend me -- she's turned into the kind of turbomom that's forever prepping her kids for state championships and trips abroad and etc., so she's got no time because she lives in her minivan. And looks totally stressed out doing it, but whatever. The thing is, I recognize that my annoyance is rooted in my own value judgments (I think it's an awful way to bring up children, like rolling over for everything that's crummy in this society, and that the things she's chasing for them are dumb, and I've always disliked the hothouse kids who have these mom-coaches hanging over them all the time, plus I think she's flaky about religion and teaching them weird religious things, and I'm increasingly offended by the amount of dough they'll pour into these kids' activities when so many people need help) and that these are, you know, my own value judgments. Not something to judge her, her life, and her friendship by. I just don't see her much, is all.

I have had a few friends like that:

1. A girl who had a diagnose with ASD back in 2005 went down to a vocational school for about 9 months and came back never having time for me. She was always babysitting her sisters yet I would hear about her having a sleep over with another friend. She was also extremely guy crazy and when "He" was on her arms she just ignored me or never had time. I also could never tell her how I felt without being chewed out. We just eventually fell apart because things got too hairy along with her always making me feel lower because she got a new diagnosis.

2. Then I was friends or I thought I was with a girl who I worked with for a while. She said that I was her best friend and all that too. I even helped out on the guest book at her wedding and invited her back to my housewarming party. She also said that she was coming and never came or called. So when I asked her "Well we were gonna come but I was having a bad day because of my granny. So we went for a ride and kept on going." She pulled this on me a number of times. It turned out that she did not like me and just latched herself onto me until the next victim got hired. Then she dumped me and started ripping on me to the new person.