Do I Have Aspergers?

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Hi, my name is Sarah, I'm 22, and I think I might have Asperger's. Could someone please help me understand if this is AS or not?

I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO DISJOINTED...I WAS REMEMBERING ALL THESE RANDOM DIFFERENT THINGS. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME!

Background:
I have always had trouble making and keeping friends, although I desperately long for friendship. When I was little I was very very shy. I used to hide behind my mom if we saw someone we knew at the store even in middle school. What's weird I actually can relate to people...I have a few very close friends. I can read people very well nowadays...facial expressions, body language, etc. But I used to, I think, "be in my own head" a bit...as in be somewhat oblivious to people's reactions to our interactions. Looking back I can tell people were bored with some things I would say. I would kind of talk endlessly and it would be very stream of consciousness but I was very absent minded because of my ADD.

I had problems "staring into space." One teacher thought I was having "absent seizures" and called a conference with my parents (this was fourth grade). I wasn't. I always had trouble focusing. I would "stare" and "blank out of reality" since I was in pre-school....when I got around 19 it got a lot better where I can focus more, but not completely. I notice in some pictures I have a blank stare...but I was very self-conscious too and did not want my picture taken. When I was little (from preschool to right before puberty) I used to want to be the opposite gender and could relate more to boys...this may be a part of me being gay, though ( I am not out yet to anyone accept one guy friend). I am much more "girly" now. Before sophomore year of high school, I never bothered with makeup or doing my hair. That is a big contrast to my younger sister (one year younger) who is very feminine and pretty (she is also straight). She was very popular in high school, where as I would find myself getting closed out of groups because sometimes I just wouldn't talk to my friends (I have had steady bouts of depression my whole life) and hiding many lunches in the bathroom.

What's weird is I am actually the first to usually understand a joke, crack a joke, or have a quick/witty comeback that everyone finds funny...it has always been this way. Even in elementary school. I know people genuinely think I'm funny. I can easily tell when someone is being fake toward me, condescending, making fun of me, etc. But in middle school I was picked on A LOT for my looks (no make up, weird nose, chubby, same ponytail since kindergarten...I was afraid, or rather, felt uncomfortable to change my hair because I didn't like femininity or attention on my looks). I was very withdrawn. I was alone a lot, though I had some close friends and got along with a most people quite well. But I was made fun of endlessly by the popular kids in a lot of situations. I developed SEVERE Social Anxiety and was selectively mute. I had a ton of trouble making and keeping eye contact (I had several people ask me why I didn't as it frustrated them), . But other times I had friends....like when I was comfortable... There were some popular girls who bullied me in first period P.E. in my 8th grade year...basically all year they bullied me until I sat next to one of them in sixth period at the end of the year and we started talking and joking around (we became really good friends in high school freshman year). In 8th grade, I actually made my best friend, we'll call her Kate, who I still have today. Kate is completely extroverted, social, the VP of her sorority, really pretty etc...we are still very close of course. She introduced me to another girl, we'll call her Taylor, who is my other best friend...they ended up going to a different high school and I felt very out of place at mine. Even with Kate, though...there were times when I was "too much" for her during high school and she could only handle me "in small doses." (Taylor and I are both more introverted and have always been fine actually.) I made other friends through them who didn't go to my school....I always got along with them better than people I went to school with. I was really scared about not having friends...I wanted to fit in and be cool. I did drugs and drank and I was accepted by a lot of "cool" kids. In high school I started wearing makeup and trying to do my hair...still it was kinda messy and not right (I recently got it right, tbh. I looked at my girlfriends and mirrored them and "learned" style.)

I've had problems with lying, especially when I was little. Making up crazy stories....the worst one happened in elementary school (I was maybe in 2nd grade). I was walking with my friends and we saw some adult walking and idk how it happened now but we were joking that he had a gun...and I said I saw him have a gun....(this was before 9/11) and basically the whole school went into a mini frenzy and we got called into the principals office....I panicked even more and said I saw him get in a pickup truck and drive away...I'm really ashamed of this whole thing now and even then a bit...but I sort of liked it. I even tried to manipulate my friends and get them to say they saw it too. The school believed I was telling the truth, but thought it was probably a cell phone that I mistook for a gun. Idk. I really hated lying but I'd just do it a lot. About everything it seemed. I made up stories all the time. Like once I said a dove landed on my arm...why??? This type of lie was a constant thing. I am so embarrassed. That gun incident was definitely the worst lie I have ever told, though. I've gotten a lot better where I never tell lies unless I need an excuse to cover up a personal problem or something....just white lies and infrequently.

Anyway, more background to my life: I was really badly abused by my father and mother. They were extremely violent, mentally, and emotionally abusive with me and my sister growing up. My dad was 51 when he had they had me....I don't think he realized how hard it would be at that age. I wont go into detail, but I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety because of my childhood and teenage years....I'm sure those experiences hindered my mental and social development to a degree.

My mom told me this story of how I had a friend over and wanted to jump out of a box to scare her instead of play....

I always had imaginary play with friends (I never had imaginary friends). We'd make up play and stories and just creative stuff. But I think I was somewhat bossy. I've always felt my social skills are like 2-3 years behind most people my age....like I'm not at the same level as them....but sometimes with people I'm close to I feel totally in sync. I also used to like to build things with legos....one of my guy friends in elementary school had a small motor and we (more so he) made a toy car with a spinning blade once and got in a ton of trouble.

Sometimes I talk to myself when I'm lonely.

I have obsessed over girls whom I've "fallen in love with" to the point where I was so blinded I almost thought we were in a relationship....or that I had a chance....and misconstrued things and signals in my head to fit what I wanted. I really went overboard with this one girl and I could tell she was so f*****g sick of me looking back. I've had relationships with guys and never really liked them. I'm definitely gay but still finding the right time to come out.

In middle school, I can look back and see that a few people who were really nice to me, felt bad because I was so awkward. They were embarrassed by me and weren't really my friend.

Something I should add is people have asked or accused me (and correctly so) of being a lesbian...this was in middle school.

I should also add that although I was bullied, I also bullied people sometimes when I was with my friends. I was never horrible, but I did do it. I would more so make fun of people behind their backs to friends.

I do this thing sometimes when I'm nervous....if I'm with a group of people whom I don't know or if I feel left out....I just stand awkwardly and smile and don't contribute. Sometimes I don't know where to put my arms...I fidget with my hands. I also bite the insides of my lips and cheeks when I'm nervous or thinking (doing it right now).

I have tons less trouble with eye contact now....I can do it fine for the most part...like 98% of the time. But I am still very shy around new people my age....not older people or younger kids though. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly being judged....this has gotten better over the years because I haven't been bullied in a while.

My eyes are VERY sensitive to light. So are my moms. We are both dyslexic where we see words move and when we're really tired they fuzz/blur out. When we both went through puberty (15-17) we'd see objects distort and move....I was at a store and I saw boxes move...their edges were all "jumpy." I'm very sensitive to florescent lights....my mom says she isn't. I am sure I have Irlen Syndrome, though I haven't had a formal diagnosis.

My sister who is like a model....pretty, popular, amazing figure etc. is very cold to me and very judgmental and is physically violent with me and my mom.

My family is actually very physically violent in general.....I am always the last one to engage and it's usually after I've been hit, spit on, and screamed at too many times to the point where I just snap and retaliate.

I am clumsy in social situations sometimes. I also sometimes have poor spacial awareness.

I am very empathetic. I am a vegan and an animal rights supporter.

I am very quick witted....usually how I make friends. My sense of humor has actually saved my life I think because it's like the one safe way I feel that I can communicate with new people. I can read people and the situation extremely well and know exactly what to say to make them laugh. People constantly tell me that I'm hilarious. Tons of people say that I need to be a stand-up comedian, comedy writer, etc. I don't have a weird brand of humor. I get jokes, I get sarcasm, I don't take things literally. I am very sarcastic.... I kind of "mind-fuck" people sometimes, especially if I can completely read them. Still, I can be very intimidated by people. People I went to middle school with that I haven't seen in years I'll have a panic attack and can't talk to them. Sometimes people from high school too. It's more the people who I went to school with....who I feel know my awkwardness back then who I can't function around. Yeah. I feel like I mask my awkwardness a lot now. And I've matured.

I have acid reflux....this has been brought on by me gaining 30 lbs over 5 years!! (I should weigh 125lbs but I weigh 155!! !) I am losing weight now and go to the gym. My acid reflux is gone if I stay away from onions, garlic, coffee, fatty foods. I ate a lot of junk, even though I am a vegan. Tons of bread...
Besides this, I don't have any GI issues (except when I was severely dehydrated in high school one time) or any food allergies.

I cannot think of any obsessions I have. I don't collect data or anything. I'm in love with the band The Cure, though, and have been since middle school.....they were an escape for me, so I know a ton about them and the band's history, etc. But there are other bands that I know some info about as well....not as much. I only have like 2 posters of them and never put them up...I think I threw them away a couple of years ago when I was cleaning my room. I've been obsessed with girls, like I said before, and I've stalked their facebooks (ranging from intensely/obessively to browsing/just checking up), but I feel weird. Since maybe 18 I haven't done that stuff because I feel too creepy and I feel ashamed and like I'm violating their lives and privacy.

BY THE WAY my sister has had some trouble keeping friends, but never making them. She is very catty so I'm sure that has something to do with it. She is not awkward at all.

I have been diagnosed with ADD, Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, PTSD, and an auditory processing disorder (frequently I can't hear someone talking because of background noise....I hate shopping because of this and fluorescent lights...they are very over stimulating and I get very fatigued.)




Thank you so much for reading this!! ! I'm so sorry it's all over the place.

You know, none of us can diagnose you with anything here of course. It sounds like you have some characteristics or things associated with Aspergers, but other major things could be missing- or maybe not since as we get older sometimes we do learn facial expressions and reading people, getting jokes, and different things. Also, it is a spectrum disorder for a reason: people will show different numbers of characteristics to different degrees (even NTs! Just at some point, the characteristics combine in great enough number and in a great enough severity to equal a diagnosis!). It is also important to remember that some other mental health or learning issues can be related to Aspergers or can look like Aspergers/have similar characteristics.

If a diagnosis is something you think could be helpful for you, you should see someone who is qualified to determine if you have Aspergers or another problem. Seeing someone could be very helpful if you feel like you need support in handling any of the negatives the characteristics you have mentioned create in your life, regardless of the cause.

I doubt you have Aspergers. Aspie people are almost blind when it comes to read people (all we can do is watch carefully and use logic and experience to interpretate the clues) and even when we make them laugh we we do it unconsciously. We also can't get sarcasm - we can learn it but still can't hear it in the voice. No longer than two days ago my teacher said something wierd about our homework (a student asked: "The thing you gave us is to do at home, right?" and the teacher answered: "No, I just made it because I was bored."). I realized it might be a sarcasm because the thing he said was quite illogical but I was not 100% sure so I asked: "It was a sarcasm, right?". I made the whole class laugh and the teacher said "Yes, it was a sarcasm" while holding his own laugh. I still have no idea why they laughed like that. I guess the teachers sarcasm was clearly hearable to everyone but me and thats why they considered my question so fun.
And Aspie people aren't manipulative. Even when we try we fail. We can't say what people really think so we can't use the strategy that is right in a specific situation.

While I was reading your post the ACOA syndrome or some other childhood trauma thing come in my mind.
You were abused as a child. You were afraid of people since early childhood. You were reckless, did drugs and drang to be accepted. You were lying a lot even when you didn't have to. You can tell how other people think quite easily and you know how to use the knowledge. You feel like constantly being judged. You think badly of yourself. You want people to accept you so badly you even tell us, the Internet people you don't even know that you are sorry for bothering us and think there is something bad with your message. You are afraid of rejection and what people think of you.

Someone told me "I know someone with aspergers and you act nothing like him, you don't have it". I hope someone says this to me again because I've been saving this in my head for whoever that person will be: "I know someone without autism and you act nothing like him, you clearly have autism". Like Amanda said it's more about having *certain* common characteristics.

I actually have few if any issues picking up sarcasm. It sounds very distinct to me and if I am in question the logic will pull through. You've had TWENTY-TWO years to learn body language and facial expressions. Is someone 22 with aspergers going to be as good as picking up on body language as someone without it? Probably not but that doesn't mean you haven't learned to cope in 500 different ways. You wouldn't have a conversation with me and know that your hand gestures and constantly changing eye expressions don't mean anything to me. I've became good at just nodding my head, repeating what the other person says, or even just asking for clarification. Even before I got the autism diagnosis I was doing a lot of things to deal with sensory overload and just didn't realize that's what I was doing. (sunglasses, noise-canceling headphones, staring at the ground when I walked). When your not told that you have autism and don't have an understanding of it you manage to find a ton of ways to make your life easier and fit in. If I had been diagnosed earlier I don't think I would have found a lot of the ways to cope that I have, I could be wrong, I might have more. Getting to the point here everyone with an ASD (autism spectrum disorder) is different just like everyone else is and has different ways of dealing with it as well as different severities or even lack of a symptom all together. I wouldn't put too much thought into the "I doubt you have Aspergers" comment. I'm not completely blind at reading people, more like "color blind". I don't remember ever having an issue with sarcasm itself but more along the lines of things like not understand why someone just got mad, why someone doesn't like me, or maybe what someone is getting at with their hints. I think everyone, autism or not, can have those issues also. Anyway, definitely get a professional diagnosis. For me, hearing that I had autism was somewhere between shocking and relieving, but when I found out what it was everything just clicked and things became slightly easier to deal with. A lot of your story, if not most of it, sounds a lot like me when I was growing up but I'm sure there are people with no ASD who can relate in ways too. Dr. WildMan here reporting to say, see a professional. Who knows, maybe it's not autism but they help lead you in the right direction.

Best of luck Sarah!! Everything will be ok, the worse things get, the better things are when everything is ok. Your friend who you don't really know, Wildman!