Disliked by 1-2 people in the social group

Post Reply New Topic

I have a lifelong pattern that goes back a very long time, to when I was in junior high, where one or two members of a social group will like me and actively try to include me, 1-2 can't stand me, and the rest are neutral. What typically happens is the few people who hate me are loud enough to keep me from getting invited to social events. Sometimes the 1-2 people who like me will push for me to be invited (particularly if they're holding the event), but usually in the long run they get tired and give into the group consensus. I'll still see those 1-2 people individually occasionally when they're not with the group, but that's it. Most recently this happened with a wedding I was obviously excluded from with a local friend who I thought was my friend, and I constantly see local social events (birthday parties etc) on my FB feed with my friends having fun without me. Meanwhile when I try to have social events at my place or invite them somewhere almost no one shows up. I'm wondering if any of you have this pattern and what to do to fix it? I'm really lonely and isolated.

My life story, right here. Of course, you can't please everyone. Though, when people seem to single you out, almost arbitrarily: it sometimes is hurtful. When I used to be into the party scene, people would occasionally invite me out. People who I never hear from and who seem to be absolutely disinterested in me, since I've quit drinking and smoking weed.

At every workplace, there are usually one or two people who I get on with great and end up going to shows and whatnot with. Then; there will be those one or two (or a bunch), who clearly dislike me and whom I sometimes even catch talking about me behind my back. Typically, as soon as I move on to another job: all of these people vanish like dust.

Even my "close friends" who I grew up with don't invite me out. It seems like they truly believe that I don't like to have fun, since I don't party anymore. When they need help in the weight room, they flock to me... Otherwise, it's like I'm invisible. I don't host social events, anymore. In this day and age; it is inherently hard to get a group of people together, when intoxication is not involved.

The only group activity I am normally involved in, is getting together every couple of weeks to play Dungeons and Dragons with a few people who I am otherwise not very involved with.

I'd love to have an inner circle of people who I really fit in and identify with; but, I'm not about to change myself to that end.

I can relate, and I recognize this pattern from earlier in my life in elementary and high school. In the group I was affiliated with, there were a few members who thought I was really cool and invited me to everything, but there were others who were neutral and didn't really get me, and I always felt uncomfortable with that. Fortunately, I have kept in touch with the people I have gotten along with the best (the one who liked/likes me the most will always be considered my friend and we still hang out) and fortunately, most of the neutral people don't keep in touch much with the group.

The thing to remember here is that 1) there are some people here who really like you (focus on them!) and 2) groups always tend to change over time - maybe the mean or neutral ones will move on.

Your best bet is to cultivate some one on one friendships, since they are less socially complex and easier to manage. Ask one person at a time from the people who like you to hang out instead of the whole group and see what happens. I'm sure they would love to join you for whatever you'd like to get up to. Refrain from organizing group events and parties if they are making you feel disappointed. It is also worth a to try find some new friends through school, work and groups you are involved in. Meetup.com is also a great site you can use to meet new people.

It can be harmful to look at the events that you haven't been invited to on FB: I suggest that you try not to look at them as it will make you feel more excluded and will make you focus less on the people who like you for you. I know there's a way to hide pictures and events from your feed from certain people - I highly suggest you do this in order not to get upset and triggered.

I had a similar situation, there was a really good friend of mine who had another friend who obviously hated me, whenever we were hanging out, she would do little things to show that she didn't like me, and she would talk bad about me, causing others to dislike me. So I can definitely relate to that!! !

anneurysm I have taken some of these people off my newsfeed, but unfortunately pictures of events still show up when other friends are tagged in them. I don't want to unfollow the actual friends so that I can try to stay in contact in some way. I appreciate your tips, I'll try to plan more individual things with the couple people who do like me. But unfortunately some of these people have known me for 10+ years and their dislike of me hasn't changed. Most of them are polite on a basic level to me at events we're both at or at most just don't say anything to me, but they delberately exclude me whenever they can and I suspect say mean things behind my back.

UnMasked Emperor I've had the same experience with going to a group event but not seeing people outside of that one social activity. And I'm on meetup and used to go alot to events, but I've never been successful in turning that into good friendships. A few times I've asked people from meetups to hang out 1 on 1 but they've told me they were really busy and that they'd just see me at another meetup sometime.

I've never cared about group consensus, but it seems to be important to others. All I've been able to do is look to people who are less easily swayed and less petty.

It is a shame that a few people apparently get to decide who stays and who goes in these situations based off of nothing more than personal opinion.

One thing I've always found, is that it's just plain hard to talk to people who don't share my extreme interests. Maybe you and I are similar, in regards to how we interpret social cues. For me, it's often challenging to pick up on subtleties - such as what different body language could mean, in the current context. One on one; I can usually figure it out, with some effort. In a group; if I don't know each individual well, it can be a very uncomfortable experience, an absolute sensory overload. I also realize that people who don't share this challenge just do not understand. For this reason: I think it's better for me to avoid social gatherings, in general. Of course, there are exceptions. Though, the idea of using something like Meetup causes me loads of anxiety.

You seem like a kind and intelligent person, with a lot to offer. I'm confident you'll find some more-than-fair-weather friends. I know how it is to be lonely and isolated, as well... But, I'm not giving up. I've met some other Powerlifters at my gym, recently. That's my obsession and is very easy for me to talk about. I've also met some cool people through volunteering at Powerlifting meets. None of these people are close friends of mine, but perhaps they will become so. I can see myself making some very good friends, through the community of this sport. If you have an extreme interest such as this, or an opportunity to volunteer in something that is meaningful to you: I'd say there's some great potential there.

That's all the insight I can offer, at present. I'm certainly interested to see more discussion and suggestions.

Some things to consider:

Within a social circle there is an invisible hierarchy, and in order to remain in a social group for a decent length of time it is necessary to be accepted by the individual with Social Power. It seems that what is happening is people on this thread are being invited into a group by someone with a level of social influence, however when they meet with the person with social power, i.e. the effective leader of the group, the one that basically everyone looks up to, that person doesn't accept them.

I would suggest 2 things: If there's a key player that doesn't like you in a group, and that player is preventing you from getting invites and remaining part of the group, try building rapport with that person, show an interest in their life, remember what they say about themselves and recall it next time you see them. Also if you can, try and understand any 'in jokes' the group has, just ask t begin with. Try to make it look like you're not just there to 'take' but willing to invest in the group.

If this seems too much, then I would simply talk to the friends you get along with, and ask them why so and so doesn't like you, or ask them what you could do to win them over. If your friends have a level of social influence in the group they can hopefully influence the people that don't like you, who would seem to have the power, to accomadate you.