How are you supposed to react when someone is shouting?

Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 

charlie92
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2014
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 32

20 Jun 2014, 3:34 pm

The usual situation is that my mum 'expects' me to do something, but doesn't tell me because she assumes I should 'just know'. A simple example is cleaning things around the house, but there's way more than that. And if I don't do what she 'expects' or if I mess something up by mistake or because I didn't understand exactly what I was supposed to do, she'll get angry at me and shout a lot. No matter how I react to the shouting, she only ever seems to get even angrier. As soon as she's raised her voice I know she's not happy with something I have/haven't done, but she'll often shout for 10 minutes or more. I don't know if this is her trying to guilt trip me, but I seriously feel like crap after only about 5 seconds because I know I have no innate common sense and I know I've done something stupid.



starkid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,129
Location: California

20 Jun 2014, 5:02 pm

I would like to know myself. I think you are just supposed to act like you care and are paying attention to what is being said.


_________________
Assume nothing, question everything.
DX Central Auditory Processing Deficit


Kiriae
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2014
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,343
Location: Kraków, Poland

20 Jun 2014, 5:13 pm

Your mom is the one who should react somehow (I mean - she should change what she is doing), not you.

I totally get what you mean because my dad does just the same as your mom (excepts me to "know" and yells at me for a long time when I make a mistake). But I also know that what he does is not normal and not effective. My mom does other thing, she says what I should do in the future not what I was supposed to do in the past but didn't figure out myself and if I forget to do it or do it incorrectly she doesn't yell at me, just reminds me I was supposed to do it and makes me fix the mistake or tells me what I did wrong. It is way better. This way I learn.

I also would like to know how to react on the yells. My mom tells me: "Just say - Yes, you are right. - and go to your room. Then wait till he is calm." but I can't do it because I don't feel dad is right. For me he is the one being unfair. So I just go to my room without telling anything and close the door so he can't enter.



Girlwithaspergers
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Dec 2012
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,338
Location: USA

20 Jun 2014, 6:00 pm

Both my parents do this to me.


_________________
Diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD, Bipolar Type II, OCD, and generalized anxiety.


charlie92
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2014
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 32

21 Jun 2014, 5:38 am

Yeah.. I really don't need to try and justify my lack of common sense. It's just frustrating, since I'll tell her very directly that I'd like very much for her to tell me what she wants me to do, but she still doesn't. Dunno if that's supposed to be 'rude'.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,809
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

22 Jun 2014, 6:35 am

charlie92 wrote:
The usual situation is that my mum 'expects' me to do something, but doesn't tell me because she assumes I should 'just know'.


Doesn't this describe all moms?

Shouting is never a very good way of communicating. I've heard it said that communication is like throwing a ball. You throw it gently and allow the other person to catch it or you can throw it really hard and smack them in the face with it. Both methods get the ball out of your hands and over to the other person, but only one method allows the other person to catch the ball.

In general people just don't seem to know how to communicate. If someone is shouting at me I just let them get it out of their system. That's how I deal with angry customers at work. I just listen and nod and say mmmhmm and show I'm listening and when they've exhausted their complaint and have cooled down I respond by offering a solution.

But in general it is always a good idea to take the initiative with work around the house, don't leave wet towels on the floor, wash your cup after you have a cup of tea, that sort of thing and your mom will appreciate the help. Maybe every day ask her if she wants you to do something around the house. Mom's are not slaves.


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


charlie92
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2014
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 32

22 Jun 2014, 11:48 am

hurtloam wrote:
charlie92 wrote:
The usual situation is that my mum 'expects' me to do something, but doesn't tell me because she assumes I should 'just know'.


Doesn't this describe all moms?

Shouting is never a very good way of communicating. I've heard it said that communication is like throwing a ball. You throw it gently and allow the other person to catch it or you can throw it really hard and smack them in the face with it. Both methods get the ball out of your hands and over to the other person, but only one method allows the other person to catch the ball.

In general people just don't seem to know how to communicate. If someone is shouting at me I just let them get it out of their system. That's how I deal with angry customers at work. I just listen and nod and say mmmhmm and show I'm listening and when they've exhausted their complaint and have cooled down I respond by offering a solution.

But in general it is always a good idea to take the initiative with work around the house, don't leave wet towels on the floor, wash your cup after you have a cup of tea, that sort of thing and your mom will appreciate the help. Maybe every day ask her if she wants you to do something around the house. Mom's are not slaves.


Haha, no idea, I've only had one mother. :p But I do like that analogy. And yes I do things like that already, and I ask her quite often if she'd like me to do anything. I feel really guilty for not doing more and I really really feel sorry for her and hope that I don't treat her like a slave, because I know how lucky I am to have her here and also know it must be really difficult to deal with me and my brother.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,809
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

22 Jun 2014, 4:11 pm

charlie92 wrote:
I feel really guilty for not doing more and I really really feel sorry for her and hope that I don't treat her like a slave, because I know how lucky I am to have her here and also know it must be really difficult to deal with me and my brother.


You should totally write her a card and write something like that in it. Your sincerity comes over and I can see that you do care :D

Sometimes people yell because they've let a load of stress build up, things at work could be bothering her through the day then she comes home and sees a dirty dish and just snaps feeling like it's the last straw and you get shouted at because you're there when she snaps. Humans are complicated. Sounds like you all care about each other though. All families have ups and downs.


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


CuddleHug
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 Apr 2014
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 153
Location: Alberta, Canada

23 Jun 2014, 7:15 am

There is no textbook reaction for when your mother yells at you. A few good tips though are. Don?t yell back, don?t even try to reason with her or communicate with her as that?s impossible and I like to analyse the situation to see what triggered their response so it can be avoided in the future. You can also attempt to analyse what she?s saying to see if you can understand it although this is always difficult. Hurtloam has a good response to just nod and go mmhmm it gets you through the event and reduces probably that they will become violent which is very nice.

The constructive response comes after she?s calmed down. Then you can reason with her and perhaps find out what?s wrong. If you?re really lucky you might even be able to get an apology out of her and a plan for the future to deal with her emotional state and then you want a plan for effective communication writing said plan down would be good and have her sign it as an effective agreement that she?ll follow and you sign and follow it as well. Communication with people like us can naturally be difficult and push people to yelling as quite bluntly they lack complex problem solving skills so theoretically if you could sit her down calmly to discuss an effective communication plan this behavior may just disappear. Although this presumes that communication problems rather than emotional are the motivation for her actions.

She may be attempting to guilt you to be honest the motivation ranges and can be quite vast for her to yell. Generally speaking in my experience it?s an attempt to regulate emotions by channeling out anger, frustration and pain by hurting people which is naturally an enjoyable way to do it. If she?s ever reasonable you might be able to convince her to try and channel it out in a different way but that relies solely on the presumption that you can find some kind of negative repercussion that will outweigh the pleasure wrought thus making it an undesirable source.

Unfortunately some people just instantly snap again and there is no possibility to ever reason or communicate with them. My mother was like this. In that case I have no idea what to do.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 64,748
Location: Queens, NYC

23 Jun 2014, 7:35 am

When people shout at me, I tend to close up. Then I state, in essence, "there are better ways to express your discontent. I won't learn anything by having you shout at me."