How do you deal with this sort of thing?

Post Reply New Topic

Sometimes, when friends get mad at me for saying or doing something that upset them, it poisons the friendship...not because I'm mad at them, but because I feel really bad about unintentionally upsetting them or crossing a line and being offensive. I don't know how to say "sorry" for being annoying when I didn't realize I had been causing a problem the whole time, and I assume if they blow up, they hate me for that.
And even though I know I've not done something terribly unforgivable...try telling that to my subconscious.

How do you deal with this? am I the only one who does this?

I kinda had the opposite problem. I had a friend on the spectrum who became a bit clingy, always wanting to do stuff all the time, didn't give me space. So I told him politely that I needed my space. He seemed a little upset as expected. I felt terrible afterwards, as if I hurt his feelings really bad. So I became distant for awhile after cuz I felt so bad and awkward about what I said. He asked me why I did that, and I couldn't give him a straight answer and I made myself look so stupid.

Part of me is like, "wait, I've been doing something that's bothered you and you've never told me, and you're getting upset at me for it after all this time?" and part of me is like, "Why should I say I'm sorry for something I had no idea was offensive behavior?" And another part is like this is a friend lost.

*sigh*

I always seem to jump to the conclusion that if a friend/close family member gets irritated or angry with me for something annoying/stupid or whatever I did or said then they must hate me forever and I have committed some terrible crime they will never forgive me for. I don't know why I have such a hard time just thinking to myself 'oops I screwed up but its not the end of the world' and then just apologize, take responsibility and move on with life. This has happened with me and my brother and of course he ends up getting more bothered because then he feels like I am reacting unreasonably and making accusations and being too defensive.

But then of course with people around my age or a little younger its like how do I know if I actually was in the wrong, how do I know they aren't being unreasonable or if they where being a dumb younger person too...much of the time I take the persons word for it if they say I am being unreasonable like if its someone close to me since I figure those non autistic people close to me might 'get it' a little more when it comes to interaction and how I come off in some situations and aren't going to have alterior motives to mislead me into feeling bad about myself for no reason(though sometimes I get paranoid they'd do just that).

For example I might go to my brothers apartment...maybe leave a bit of a mess where i was sitting for instance or accidently leave something in the walk way and if he says 'could you try and be more considerate and not leave things laying around' there is a good chance I will feel absolutely terrible about it and like I totally screwed up...like it hurts that much having someone point out I seemed inconsiderate but then rationally I know everyone makes mistakes and probably is inconsiderate sometimes but its like I take it as an attack on me as a whole person. So then I react defensively which of course causes arguing/disagreement...when I could just say 'sorry about that.' It annoys me just as much as it can annoy others I am quite certain.

talked to my friend...apologized of a sort...explained that what had angered him was due in part to misunderstanding something i do to categorize people and remember them and keep them straight. feel a little better...feels odd having to explain myself and my thought processes...he understood...didn't seem like it.

Honestly, I have this same problem. I hope you figure it out because I sure haven't. If you do let me know you have and give me some pointers please.

You could simply not care, i found out that not caring gives relief and after a few days of doing my own thing. i taught myself that I must be a caring person otherwise I wouldn't spend so much energy thinking about the friendships I thought were going badly. This made me realise I care for these people and my relationship with them, more than anybody else. I've also realised that some freindships I made I now know I got completely wrong and some people you just can't please. A good alternative is try to find new friends, friends are usually a pain in the 455 though they usually come in handy sometimes and very rarely but as luck goes can sometimes have a very brief meaningfull conversation with.