A video of a young autistic me.

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Here is a video of me when i was between 13 and 15 years old, I just happened on this video while I was looking through some old files and watching it has crushed me, and destroyed all the progress I have made, im 23 years old now, i appear 17 seconds into the video, now, i cannot believe how autistic I was, the only word I seem to understand is 'yes' and i appear to be bewildered as to what is going on, and it has crushed me because i feel very exposed, very vulnerable, like all the skills ive learned are a chirade, and ultimately, I am still that unlikeable socially awkward guy in the video

i really thought i was making progress but i am disgusted by the person in the video.

That was the past. You should think about the present and future.

i deleted the video because i realised some of my peers who ive chosen to not declare my ASD to might see it

thats what everyone is saying to me 'its in the past, move forward' but it still scares me to think thats really me, how the hell did i get from that video to someone who can socialise very well? how did i go from moderately functioning autism to borderline NT in the space of 8 years? i didnt recieve any support either, i learned it all myself =[

crisis of identity, am i the disablled guy in the video? or the super awesome dude i am now? i dont know

I had a similar experience now over a year ago. I went back home after not having been there for years. Had a sort of breakdown/regression. It's been a transformative experience. I feel I am more comfortable with myself now than ever before, figured out a lot about myself, looked some past "demons" in the face, and am I think happier than before, even if I am not functioning as well on the outside. It's been rough.

I think it's overly simplistic to say, "it's in the past, look forward." The past is more with us and more part of us than the future. Instead, work to acknowledge the past and how it affects your present, but know that you rule over it now.

indeed, people are always telling me to stop dwelling on my past, but my past is the catalyst that drives my future, all my future experiences are based on my past due to self esteem issues created in my past for example

I had the same thing happen to me. Except I was 5 1/2 when I emerged from my deep autism.

If the past is a catalyst, I would use it to the hilt.

I had the feeling where I feel like I am not worthy of being as high functioning as I am today. I used to be severely autistic but then I had a lot of support and progressed significantly to where people say, "I never would have knew you are on the autism spectrum" Its amazing where people like us are, as much negativity as we have received and what we created. We should be proud of ourselves. Be proud to hold a disability label, don't let it hold you back. Don't be disgusted, we all were at a point in our lives where we simply were not advanced.

Let me repeat one of my favorite quotes, that in many ways has guided me in life: "I am a part of all that I have met, and all experience is an arch wherethro' gleams that untraveled world, whose margin fades forever and forever when I move." Don't treat your past as a crutch, but as a valuable experience that has shaped who you are. If you started out with so many difficulties socially, and managed to overcome them, then that speaks bounds to the strength of your resolve and character - it is nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.

If you looked at who I was 10 years ago, I couldn't even hold a conversation with others. I had next to no confidence in myself, very little direction in life, and no real hobbies other than video games. Over the years I have completely transformed myself, and nowadays am in many ways living the dream! I got to where I am today through my past adversity and struggles though - had it not been for those challenges, I would be a very different person today.