Is this normal?

Post Reply New Topic

A lot of times when someone invites me out, and it's he/she, myself, and one or two other people I don't know, they will talk to each other about things and people I don't know and act like I'm not even there. Is this because I'm a known eccentric or is it normal with NTs too, and they just know how to break into the conversation?

How do some of you do this?

Not quite sure what you mean... Are you saying based on your past experiences of being invited out, and finding people do in fact talk to each other about things and people, you would entirely forget about it the next time and literally not know talking will take place?

Or do you more mean you don't know what to say/do or how to initiate interaction? If its the latter I have some trouble with that but have found some ways to sort of get around it....but it sort of varies depending on what people I am with.

It's the latter. It's just usually when our family has a newcomer join us for something, people will try to include him/her in the conversations. But if it's the reverse, and I'm in a group of people I don't know, they won't. I would like to know if this is a normal occurence and how to break into conversations when I'm in that situation. I mean no one likes to be in situations like this, but I suppose you have to do so in order to make new friends.

It depends on your body language a lot. If you are not making eye contact, or being open and in the group then the group will just motor ahead without you. When two people are speaking, make eye contact with the speaker, nod and listen and eventually they will make more and more eye contact with you, as will the others in that group. When someone makes a point in the conversation agree and back them up. This will go a long way.

What are ways to get involved in a group convo before they "motor ahead." As stated earlier, whenever a new person comes to a family gathering my family will go out of there way to include him/her, but no one ever does with me. Even people I know, if they get on to a topic I can't go in, they make no effort to include me.

Possibly because they know you somewhat and assume that you are not interested? You say these are people you have a lot of contact with? It's easier with complete strangers (in the right context, like at work or a social gathering) because they will assume you are NT until you give them reason to assume otherwise. As far as breaking in, my routine goes like this.

- Approach the group with a smiling face, and stand in the conversation circle. Don't ever touch other people to do this, enter only if it's obvious it's an open conversation and you can casually just drift into that circle without awkwardness. An example would be several coworkers standing about chatting in the office kitchen. They are obviously not keeping their voices low or being secretive. I walk into the kitchen, wash my coffee cup while saying.

'Hey guys.' Make eye contact and smile, wait for others to do the same. If I know only one person there by name address that person alone. 'Hey Jane, how are you?' They may or may not include me in the conversation at that point.

The conversation might be something like....

'I hate this new company policy because blah, blah, blah...'

Wait for a pause in the conversation...long enough for an expectation that someone is going to say something. Then break in.

'Oh yeah. I heard about that too. I agree it's a bit terrible because blah, blah, blah.' Now shut up, and listen. All the while smiling and making eye contact with the next speaker. It's important to either agree with the general consensus, or if you are going to disagree at least acknowledge the point the other person is making as valid before you contradict it.

Say something like....

'I can see your point, and that's a really interesting way to look at it. For me though, it could be good because of blah, blah blah.'

When you leave the conversation, affirm that you've been included by saying...

'well I've got stuff to do. Have a great day...' before walking off, don't just wander off unless the conversation is quite heated and no-one will notice you leaving.

If you are dealing with people who know you and normally write you off the method is the same, just expect a few shocked faces when you actually decide to participate. They will not be used to you doing that and their surprise is just that, surprise because you are behaving differently, not necessarily because you have done something wrong.

When I used to try and break into conversations a big mistake I made was trying to be unobtrusive. Sidling up to people, listening in on the background. This is considered rude eavesdropping because you are not making your presence known upfront like an NT would. If you make your presence known and the conversation is actually a closed one, not meant for your ears, then the group will likely disperse at that point or the conversation topic will suddenly change.

It is natural for people to talk to other people they already know. After the initial meet-and-greet, I think most people expect the newcomer to just join in on the conversation.

Those of us who are more quiet expect to be "invited" to the conversation, but most of the time that doesn't happen with me. That is one reason I do better one-on-one.

In groups where I pretty much know everyone, though, I still get excluded from conversations (though the exclusion is likely my own doing), because inevitably conversations will turn to a topic I know nothing about or couldn't care less about. The latest example was at a cookout over the summer. There were 6 people, and everyone except me grew up listening to heavy metal bands. The conversation took a turn to this topic, and I checked-out. I had nothing to contribute and no desire to learn. I actually fell asleep (I didn't mean to, but I could get away with it in the company I was keeping.)

If people get talking about popular movies or movie stars/celebrities or anything else that is of popular appeal, I have a real problem staying in the conversation. The fact is I know nothing and I don't care. My life is not going to be improved by either knowing the details about movies I don't intend to watch or about celebrities I will never meet, nor by the conversation about such things.

If a conversation interests me, and I want to participate, I will try to make a comment or ask an intelligent question.

I echo the previous posters.

I have trouble joining in conversations amongst people I don't know, either. It's not that they're a clique--it's that they know each other, and take pleasure in talking to each other.

It's part of the game of Life, unfortunately. Find common ground with those people. If one of them is your friend, I'm sure the friend will make a little effort to accommodate you.