Levels of friendship? Expecting more than the other person?

Post Reply New Topic

Has anyone ever had the problem where they think that they are close friends with someone, try and initiate it further only to find out that the other person wasn't thinking the same?

For example, I had a guy who I was friends with, and I knew he liked me. I made it clear to him that I wasn't interested that way. But the problem was that after that he thought that it was a close friendship (he wanted to hang out every other day, texting me almost every other day etc..) even though I only thought of him as an acquaintance. He is on the spectrum like me, so he couldn't pick up signals, I eventually had to tell him the honest truth. He was a little upset, cuz he thought it was something more than it actually was. It was hard on me, cuz I am shy and not the assertive type who will say what is on their mind. The guilt of it still haunts me to this day.

Another time there was this girl I knew from martial arts class. We talked a lot in the class, and emailed each other too. We hung out outside of the class a few times and I thought things were going well. One day, I emailed her asking her to do stuff with me, and she told me she would be busy for a long time (WTF?). I got really upset and stopped talking to her for awhile. I emailed her a few months later, asking her to do something, but then she cancelled at the last minute with a lame ass excuse. She would blow me off on email but still act friendly to my face as if nothing happened. We now go to the same high school, cuz she is 1 year younger and she says hi in the halls but never actually stops to talk to me, so I guess she just saw me as an acquaintance??

Yes unfortunately. Trusted too many backstabbers in school because I misinterpreted things. I remember one guy who I invited over like every day and discussed things with him only to find out weeks later that he was spreading it throughout the school. Then he tried to act like it wasn't him but I knew it was.

One instance in particular really confused and hurt me. I had a female friend and we hung out a lot. Quite often, she would want to snuggle up to me and put her arm around my waist or grab my hand. Things like that. So I'd often cuddle with her or hold her and she never protested. A few weeks after this (mind you this is still going on), I ask her out and she said no, that she wasn't interested in a relationship with me (she wasn't really promiscuous either though so it wasn't a friends with benefits thing she wanted). I was utterly shocked and confused. She finally told me years later she did that for security and reassurance not to flirt but it still felt like an excuse more than an answer.

Your female friend also sounds like she never really wanted to be a friend and she's just trying to "keep up appearances" so to speak. And you shouldn't feel bad about your guy friend. You set the record straight before things got out of hand and though it likely hurt him, it prevented future misunderstandings and saved him a lot of grief in the long run.

JerryM, what do you mean by keeping up appearances? Whom are the appearances for? Why do you need to keep up appearances in this case?

Thank you for saying this. I'm pretty sure that any guy out there would rather have a girl be honest about what she wants from the start rather than leading him on to believe that it is something more than it is.

Without a doubt. I know I'd rather have someone tell me upfront than three months later when I'm fully committed and they're not.



I'm not entirely sure that was the right wording. I meant something more along the lines of avoiding drama. Maybe she might have to be nice to avoid people looking at her negatively? Sorry.