Only interested in friends/relationships on our terms?

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Hi all,

A question came to the surface of the noggin the other evening and it's been something for me to chew on. I have read previously many of the topics here about folks' quests for new and meaningful friendships and often their struggles with it, as well as those who have said they have sworn off this type of social interaction. I have another point to examine. Does anyone else feel like me or similarly, which is somewhere in-between? To clarify, what I mean to ask is: Does anyone else only really interested in friendships or relationships if it conforms to the lifestyle/interests they already want to have?

I'm completely uninterested in conforming to others' expectations in this regard because then, yes, it accomplishes the technical goal of acquiring a new friend or companion, but it's a hollow accomplishment as that friend/companion was not genuinely won and thus there is little gain beyond having to perform for yet another person who doesn't know or likely very much care about the "real" you.

Let me elaborate a bit. I am not like, as I have heard here, swearing off the concept of friendship and I think human companionship especially at certain stages of life is integral to our development. Nor am I a shy person or unable to acquire friends. I travel a lot, oftentimes myself, and when you travel alone you meet people all over. I still keep on and off contact with people I've met traveling in Rome, Italy; New Orleans, Central America, and other places. I enjoy striking up a conversation with a random person in a random location, can be outgoing, and will talk about/listen to pretty much any topic, but the best part about it is that there's no commitment. And more and more I find that if I can't indulge in and explore the areas of life I'm interested in and passionate about with another person, then I'd rather do those things alone than be with someone else wrapped in subjects/activities I care nothing for just to be near a warm body. In other words, it's better to do what you want to do alone than settle for toning and watering yourself down for a "friend".

The exceptions are close friends of course. I've had a couple for six or seven years, although my close female friend has her own ongoing stuff she's wrapped up in (college life) in another part of the state and struggles a bit with the effects of a bipolar condition, so yeah. Anyway in conclusion, before I go on too much, I suppose I'm just saying I don't actively reject anyone's overtures to be a new friend (more likely a friendly acquaintance or friend-lite as my few close friends are near and dear) if they're interested in what I'm interested in and wouldn't want to change or censor me, but more often with the general lifestyle and cultural memes most young people seem ensnared in today, I'd rather be at home having a scotch or tea with a movie, listening to good opera in my recliner, reading, or perusing the laptop than immerse myself in people in the outside world whose life goals and values I find almost zero commonality with.

This is just a shout out of sorts to see if anyone shares any similar sentiments and wants to share their own unique thoughts on the topic. Sorry if it's too long an opener but I haven't exactly pruned myself to the etiquette around here yet.

Yes, definitely. Dealing with people is too tiring and stressful for me to settle with just any sort of relationship; I feel that only the sorts of relationships that truly fulfill me are worth that effort.

In addition, my need for companionship is not strong enough to push me to such a desperate measure as settling for unsuitable companions.

I think maybe the difference between me and others is this: for other people, the primary relationship-based driving force is a pure social urge. By "pure" I mean being with any people, for any reason, in any circumstance: unqualified socializing. Being with people at almost any cost is the main motive, so they are able to shape or curb other, more secondary desires (such as the specific activities in which they want to engage, or the specific kinds of people they would prefer to socialize with) in service to that primary goal.

My primary relationship-based driving force is not purely social; it is based on getting very specific social needs met. So the situation is reversed for me: my specific social needs are the stable, constant factor that drives my social behavior, and my pure social urge (the generic need to be with other people at all) is the flexible factor, and the flexibility manifests in my ability to forego unsatisfactory socializing despite the solitude that will result.

I can definitely relate to this. For me, I want to be around other people and do need their society every now and then, but I get exhausted by other people quickly. So I want to have the kinds of friends where I can reach out to them whenever I need them, but I must also have space from them as well, and I get irritated if I feel as though I'm being imposed upon (eg, planning a bachelorette party, ugh). I also like having an "easy out," eg, meeting someone for coffee for 15 minutes, no big commitment. It's complicated and makes me sound selfish and uncaring to NTs who don't understand me so well, but it's how I maintain balance.

Yeah. A lot of the time I just don't feel like socializing, and I'd rather just do my own thing than have to socialize with a friend. I always want to have friends, but only if it doesn't interfere with the things I want to do. It makes me feel like a bad friend sometimes.

I can't establish a friendship bond with someone unless we share some significant commonality - otherwise, a person will never be more than a casual acquaintance. People who share my interests like to do the same things I do and are not constantly trying to drag me to places and events in which I have no interest.

I have never been able to comprehend why people maintain wide groups of "friends," most of whom they really don't even care about. But then, that's why I have no social network.

I understand totally.

This cuts to the essence of what I'm saying and most of the other posts have captured and expressed a similar sentiment. I'm wondering if this is a unique trait. It can be considered a selfish one, because I'm only interested in friends that can enjoy/appreciate either (preferably my both) my same or similar interests, and the manner in which I enjoy hanging out. I'm not a very active person in the sense that even though I'm a total night owl and thus I'm almost always up and often out for a good portion of the night (driving around, getting coffee or a snack at the 24/7 convenience store, etc.), I certainly don't want to be dragged to "clubs" or other venues I'd rather not frequent day or night. That type of nightlife holds virtually no appeal, and yet it predominates, particularly with the younger generation. I rather read, surf the web, watch movies, even drink a bit by myself than get shoved into doing things I have no interest in.

I had a friendly acquaintance I went to school with. He was missing in action for long periods in junior high, finally dropped out in early high school, and in the year or two after high school I would see him around town and we'd sometimes sit out at the convenience store and bs for a few hours. Go through many sodas, coffee, and cigarettes. At the time I wasn't necessarily seeking out any great intellectual depth or stimulation, so just chatting about our retail jobs and life in general was enjoyable as it was someone else who could kind of just sit and hold a conversation without jumping around to do a million things. Anyway, life goes on, different nonsense/drama happened between him and my close friends, and I didn't see much of him anymore.

Now, last summer, I see him for the first time in a year and a half, at a mutual friend's house for a birthday small get-together she was having. Ok, great, catch up and all that, I see him more and more going into September, October in the weeks after that, and it works because he works (in a UPS plant) until 11 or 12 every night, and so, is up most of the night as well. Yet now he'll call all the time and want to do something or we'll spend a night together into the morning hours and he thinks I'll be up for hanging out again that same night. It's like....Has no one heard of recharging batteries? We just did something. Now I want at least a night, preferably several, of sitting in my room and enjoying a nice dinner/good movie/some daydreaming by my lonesome.

This seems to elude him and many other people you'll encounter along the way.

How else can we hold friendships? Most people won't specifically state what they expect, but expect you to just intuitively understand what they want. I think it leads to both parties thinking of the other as uncompromising.

Because I didn't quite understand how to compromise, I've tended to go along with what other people wanted to do, despite not being interested.