How can I be curious without being nosy?

Post Reply New Topic

I always like to know what's going on at work among people, like say if somebody had an argument or somebody walking out of their job, etc. I never spread it around to other people, I just like to know. I just get intrigued. Sometimes I feel I am left out of the gossip that goes on at work, and then I get afraid to ask when I sense there is something going on what I don't know about, because I will then get accused of being ''nosy''.

I've never been the sort to ask anyone too many questions. I don't want to know about people's private lives. But stuff what goes on at work among people I work with, I just become interested in what's happening. It's probably because I like everyone at work and they are like friends to me, and hearing about gossip at work is one way to feel connected to them. It's the same for most women.

Yesterday at work someone who I'm rather close to as a work colleague looked really upset. She seemed untalkative, so I didn't like to say anything. But I was curious as to why she could be feeling upset, and I wanted to know if it was anything to do with work. If it was to do with her personal life outside of work then I wouldn't want to know because it's her private life. But I was still concerned, but I was reluctant to ask one of the other colleagues if she was all right in case they might think to each other ''God, that Jo always wants to know everything!''

I just hate being left out of a secret or being blind to what goes on in the workplace. I don't want to know stuff just so that I can blab it out to everyone and generate rumors. I can quite easily keep it to myself, even without being told to keep it to myself. I always automatically know when I should keep something to myself. I've proven it to myself and to others at work before, when I've been told gossip in a whisper as though she didn't want anyone to know that we knew. I kept it very quiet, and didn't blab it to anybody else, even if they asked, I didn't even hint it. I just acted like I didn't know anything about it.

Is the way to knowing all the gossip at work to be popular and having well-formed and adjusted relationships with your colleagues, and being automatically told everything? But then again, I'd thought loud, popular people would blab it out even more than quiet people like me. I'm probably one of the most trusting people in the whole world.

I just don't get it. Being quiet and unpopular sucks.

People just don't trust "quiet" people. They tend to be paranoid about them.

In order to get into people's business, you have to share your business as well. People are naturally curious--and curiosity is not seen as being "nosiness" if you offer your own tidbits.

If you don't offer your own tidbits, you're seen as being nosy because you don't share; you are thought of as seeking advantage over others.

I'm not particularly curious about what's going on with other people - I really couldn't care less - but, it pays to keep one's ear to the ground at work, so you know what's going on and can attempt to shield yourself from flying crap before it hits the fan, as it always does, periodically.

My experience is, if you stay too quiet, you just make yourself a convenient scapegoat. If nobody knows you at all, then anybody can blame you for anything and people will assume its true, because they don't know what you're really like. People love to assume the worst about each other.

I agree with a lot of what Will@rd said, but personally, I think that people who gossip less are actually more well-respected. (I've been told by others that they appreciate that about me, and I believe them.)

I also find it easier to stay away from most of the gossip--it's so time- and energy-draining! Yeah, I really don't like being out of the loop, and I miss out on some bonding opportunities, but I don't have to work to sort through the lies and exaggerations, I can keep assuming good things about people, and I don't have to fight my disappointment when I hear some of my friends being horribly judgmental.

I'm an NT, but I'm still relatively introverted. For me, I don't mind being less popular, keeping my privacy, and actually being the one who's not known as a gossiper! I'm actually respected for working harder/staying more on-task, and that shows up on my evaluations.

I'm not one who "seeks" gossip myself.

But I believe one has to try to relate to people wherever one is.

If somebody deliberately sets him/her self apart from others, they are viewed with suspicion.

I'm fortunate I'm at a job where work is respected--so I don't really have to socialize much. When I do, I adopt my "court jester" persona.

I have a hungry ear for gossip, I just soak that stuff up like it's my life force.

Ok, half joking there, but I do like to be "in the know", whether other people know it or not.

I agree with the poster who said that you have to offer your own tidbits in order to not appear simply nosy. It might be a give and take situation.

I play detective: I form competing hypotheses (google analysis of competing hypotheses) and think through possible indicators to show which would be true. Then I wait and watch. If I need more information, I can ask an innocent-sounding question about the indicators. In the end, I've learned something about human behavior.

It takes a lot of time and energy, so I only do this to amuse myself. If I need to know something for my job I privately ask someone I trust. If that's not a possibility, I try to compile a question in coded office politics speak and ask when I can. My vocabulary for that is not great, so I rarely take that option.

As stupid as my little detective game is, it's taught me a lot about human nature over the years, and I'm able to function better socially because I can read people a little better. I still make mistakes, though. But sometimes now NTs ask me what's going on and I'm surprised they couldn't figure it out like I could. But that is pretty rare!

Well it's hard because I don't like to spread gossip. But I do often tell my close colleagues how I feel about stuff at work, even if it includes other people. It's like harmless gossip, where I can bring up someone else but it's not the sort of thing that will get around and turn into rumors, etc. Like last week at work we were all moved around and had to clean a different wing in the nursing home, but there's one cleaner there who doesn't get changed to another wing ever, for no reason really. I noticed that, and commented on it to another colleague. I said ''they never change him though'', and she agreed and said, ''yeah, I don't know what he's got what we haven't..'' I wasn't running anyone down or anything, I was just saying how I felt. Being changed around every week sometimes makes me anxious, and the boss knows about my anxiety disorder and social phobia, but the same rules apply to me as they do everyone else - except for this one cleaner there who they always keep on the same wing, and it annoys the rest of us.

But when I say quiet I don't mean as in don't talk to anyone or form any relationships with anyone. I'm just not an extrovert and I'm not very good with speaking up in group conversations. But I always have my lunch with the other cleaners and try to be ''in'' with the crowd. I've been there almost 2 and a half years and there's never been one occasion where I have slipped away to have lunch somewhere by myself. It's not like I'm so reserved and quiet that nobody hardly notices I work there, and then suddenly pop my head round a door randomly and go ''oh what's going on with Jane? I haven't seen John for ages, has he left? The boss seems grumpy today, is anything up? Is the care home going downhill? I demand clarifications!''

Yeah, I do take in what I can--which is easy because: 1. people know I won't blab to others, and 2. there's plenty of talk happening at times; one of my teammates knows almost everything that's going on--for better and for worse.

I do ask a few selective questions to understand better, and offer insight when I can, but I do it from a place of caring and try to be supportive. I might bring something up to someone if I need comfort about say, someone being hard to work with, or if I think someone needs to be warned or enlightened about something, but I don't rush into it when I'm hot and bothered, and I don't spout off stuff that could be insulting or turned against someone. I'm not into the "oh, yeah--she's such a b***h!" stuff! It's just juvenile and counter-productive. Like dryope, I am drawn to learning more about psychology and social interactions. I think it's harder to see clearly when you're up to your neck in the chatter, and if you can't think objectively about something, you can't help your friends when they get sucked into it, either.

The one thing I rarely do is rush over to clusters of people whispering, even if I want to. If what they're talking about is really relevant, it'll likely make its way into "public knowledge" eventually.