WHAT CAN AN NT DO TO MAKE A FRIENDSHIP WORK WITH YOU

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nurseangela
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24 Jun 2015, 6:33 pm

Hi! I'm Angie. I'm an NT and I have made several Aspie friends. I'm always interested in knowing as much info as I can so I can make sure that I'm being a good friend to my Aspie friends. What is one thing an NT would have to be sure to do if they wanted to be friends with you?


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Spiderpig
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24 Jun 2015, 7:11 pm

As far as I am concerned, I myself don't know the answer. First and foremost, I don't know why anyone would want to be my friend. I can think of no good reason, and this in itself makes any apparent interest in befriending me look fishy.


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24 Jun 2015, 7:17 pm

Simply by being honest and NOT directing any « negative-emotions » towards the Aspie (such as anger/contempt/etc). Absolutely NEVER « make fun » of the Aspie's name (this is guaranteed to put you on a permanent black-list & ALL communication will be halted hence-forth).

Also do NOT make it a point to insist on needing to be argumentative. When you are in disagreement with an Aspie's observations or statements, a better approach is to ask what brought said Aspie to their belief, and if you have stronger evidence from credible sources as to correcting our observations, feel free to ask about what the Aspie knows about said research/evidence/sources, and whether said Aspie has researched/examined such materials yet.


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Last edited by Ban-Dodger on 24 Jun 2015, 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AspieUtah
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24 Jun 2015, 7:26 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Hi! I'm Angie. I'm an NT and I have made several Aspie friends. I'm always interested in knowing as much info as I can so I can make sure that I'm being a good friend to my Aspie friends. What is one thing an NT would have to be sure to do if they wanted to be friends with you?

--Don't be too quick to correct me; I might have reasons for my seemingly weird statements.
--Early on, just let me mostly watch you and others; it's my way of learning how I can fit in conversationally.
--I appreciate humor; let me join in the joke sometimes.
--If I get lost in the weeds with details or facts, wait a little while before asking me to be more generalized.
--It is okay to give me signal about moving on with something I say or do; my friends know that they can whisper "a little too Aspie" as a hint.
-- My social time limit is about two hours a day; don't feel bad if I leave early.

Stuff like that. :)


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kraftiekortie
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24 Jun 2015, 7:35 pm

Don't say to an Aspie:

"You should be able to do this; even my eight-year-old cousin could do this, and you can't?"



nurseangela
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24 Jun 2015, 7:38 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
As far as I am concerned, I myself don't know the answer. First and foremost, I don't know why anyone would want to be my friend. I can think of no good reason, and this in itself makes any apparent interest in befriending me look fishy.


One of my Aspie friends (the one I am really missing right now) kept saying things like that about himself and I kept telling him to stop. He just couldn't see why I thought he was so special, but I really looked forward to hearing from him everyday. I miss him so much right now that I just keep praying that he is ok and will come back to me. You probably have good qualities that you don't even know you have and you just need to meet the right person who will notice those qualities about you. If you do, don't let them go.


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Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
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24 Jun 2015, 7:47 pm

Ban-Dodger wrote:
Simply by being honest and NOT directing any « negative-emotions » towards the Aspie (such as anger/contempt/etc). Absolutely NEVER « make fun » of the Aspie's name (this is guaranteed to put you on a permanent black-list & ALL communication will be halted hence-forth).

Also do NOT make it a point to insist on needing to be argumentative. When you are in disagreement with an Aspie's observations or statements, a better approach is to ask what brought said Aspie to their belief, and if you have stronger evidence from credible sources as to correcting our observations, feel free to ask about what the Aspie knows about said research/evidence/sources, and whether said Aspie has researched/examined such materials yet.


Actually, a disagreement came up just last week with one of my Aspie friends. He went to study for a month abroad in China and now wants to maybe go do his Speech Pathology degree in China. He has everything already set up here and has been accepted to two colleges and I don't think it's a good idea. He also didn't want to leave his parents here. Of course, after I brought up why I disagreed, I also said that it will be his decision and whatever decision he makes I will support him. Thing is, if he does go study in China, I will most likely never talk much to him again. And when I say that I will truly miss him if he goes, he just says "Thanks! It's good to know that someone will miss me." I'm thinking, aren't you going to miss me? I've been talking to him for a year and a half. Maybe he won't miss me, Idk. I'm just trying to pull away more from the friendship so I won't get hurt as much if he does leave.

Another thing, I usually tell him everything that I am thinking and feeling, but when I do he never says anything. I have asked him if it bothers him that I'm venting and he always says "No". He's not very good at comforting me. I don't know what he would do in person, but he doesn't even send a text telling me he's listening or anything. I always feel weird.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
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24 Jun 2015, 7:52 pm

AspieUtah wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Hi! I'm Angie. I'm an NT and I have made several Aspie friends. I'm always interested in knowing as much info as I can so I can make sure that I'm being a good friend to my Aspie friends. What is one thing an NT would have to be sure to do if they wanted to be friends with you?

--Don't be too quick to correct me; I might have reasons for my seemingly weird statements.
--Early on, just let me mostly watch you and others; it's my way of learning how I can fit in conversationally.
--I appreciate humor; let me join in the joke sometimes.
--If I get lost in the weeds with details or facts, wait a little while before asking me to be more generalized.
--It is okay to give me signal about moving on with something I say or do; my friends know that they can whisper "a little too Aspie" as a hint.
-- My social time limit is about two hours a day; don't feel bad if I leave early.

Stuff like that. :)


All good points. The first one I might have to ask for clarification. The second one reminds me of my one Aspie friend who says the conversation with him would probably be 30/70 if we were to meet. He does great with texting, so I told him he'd have to bring his phone. :) Is your social time of two hours the same whether it's in person, phone or text?


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
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24 Jun 2015, 7:56 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Don't say to an Aspie:

"You should be able to do this; even my eight-year-old cousin could do this, and you can't?"


Um, that probably would never come out of my mouth because I'm Miss Etiquette and I don't have any 8 year old cousin or even an 8 yr old child of my own to compare. :) One Aspie on the site I was on said that there are just things that an Aspie will never be able to do because it is just not in their makeup to learn and retain. Some of the Aspie books I have read also state this. Do you agree?


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


justkillingtime
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24 Jun 2015, 7:59 pm

Something I have heard throughout my life is "I just don't understand why you are not getting this."


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AspieUtah
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24 Jun 2015, 8:01 pm

nurseangela wrote:
AspieUtah wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Hi! I'm Angie. I'm an NT and I have made several Aspie friends. I'm always interested in knowing as much info as I can so I can make sure that I'm being a good friend to my Aspie friends. What is one thing an NT would have to be sure to do if they wanted to be friends with you?

--Don't be too quick to correct me; I might have reasons for my seemingly weird statements.
--Early on, just let me mostly watch you and others; it's my way of learning how I can fit in conversationally.
--I appreciate humor; let me join in the joke sometimes.
--If I get lost in the weeds with details or facts, wait a little while before asking me to be more generalized.
--It is okay to give me signal about moving on with something I say or do; my friends know that they can whisper "a little too Aspie" as a hint.
-- My social time limit is about two hours a day; don't feel bad if I leave early.

Stuff like that. :)

All good points. The first one I might have to ask for clarification. The second one reminds me of my one Aspie friend who says the conversation with him would probably be 30/70 if we were to meet. He does great with texting, so I told him he'd have to bring his phone. :) Is your social time of two hours the same whether it's in person, phone or text?

Well, these ideas are based on me. YMMV. Yeah, my social time limit is generally true regardless of what I am doing. It's like a drained battery which needs recharging. In my case, I need to do something quiet, calm, private and interesting to me (like read). The good news is that, occasionally, I can recharge between social interactions more than once a day if the recharge is sufficient.


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Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)


kraftiekortie
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24 Jun 2015, 8:05 pm

In answer to your question: It really depends on the Aspie. Just like it depends on the NT.

I'm not mechanically-inclined; I can barely screw in a lightbulb--but there are many Aspies who could design and build the Pyramids without the wheel (which, in fact, did happen!)



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 24 Jun 2015, 8:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nurseangela
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24 Jun 2015, 8:06 pm

AspieUtah wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
AspieUtah wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Hi! I'm Angie. I'm an NT and I have made several Aspie friends. I'm always interested in knowing as much info as I can so I can make sure that I'm being a good friend to my Aspie friends. What is one thing an NT would have to be sure to do if they wanted to be friends with you?

--Don't be too quick to correct me; I might have reasons for my seemingly weird statements.
--Early on, just let me mostly watch you and others; it's my way of learning how I can fit in conversationally.
--I appreciate humor; let me join in the joke sometimes.
--If I get lost in the weeds with details or facts, wait a little while before asking me to be more generalized.
--It is okay to give me signal about moving on with something I say or do; my friends know that they can whisper "a little too Aspie" as a hint.
-- My social time limit is about two hours a day; don't feel bad if I leave early.

Stuff like that. :)

All good points. The first one I might have to ask for clarification. The second one reminds me of my one Aspie friend who says the conversation with him would probably be 30/70 if we were to meet. He does great with texting, so I told him he'd have to bring his phone. :) Is your social time of two hours the same whether it's in person, phone or text?

Well, these ideas are based on me. YMMV. Yeah, my social time limit is generally true regardless of what I am doing. It's like a drained battery which needs recharging. In my case, I need to do something quiet, calm, private and interesting to me (like read). The good news is that, occasionally, I can recharge between social interactions more than once a day if the recharge is sufficient.


I had to look up "YMMV". :lol:


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
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24 Jun 2015, 8:10 pm

justkillingtime wrote:
Something I have heard throughout my life is "I just don't understand why you are not getting this."


Can I ask who these people are, what it is they are trying to get you to do and if they know you have AS? I do believe that everyone important in your life should know - family, friends. except for employers.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


LyraLuthTinu
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24 Jun 2015, 8:23 pm

Be honest.

Don't assume that they are inferring what you meant to imply.

Remember that Aspies are usually unable to recognize artifice, so don't be artificial in your dealings with us!

Read ferraluce's blog, if you haven't already, The Care and Feeding of your Aspie on the Warped Lens of Perspective blog.

If you want to take an Aspie out of his or her comfort zone, give fair warning, let them know as much as possible in advance what to expect, and try to have an "escape" prepared for them. Be alert for signals that they are becoming overloaded w/sensory input so you can help them make that escape long before they approach meltdown-level anxiety.

Don't say you'll do something if you only might do it or think it's a good idea. If you say you'll do it, do it. If it's a maybe, at least make it crystal clear that it's a "maybe" or better yet don't mention it until it's a firm plan.

Be precise about timeframes. Saying something will happen "soon" when you mean several hours or even days ahead will maximize anxiety in your Aspie friends and diminish trust.

Be trustworthy, above all. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't hint, prevaricate, fabricate or soften the harsh edges of whatever you have to say. Silence is better than fuzzy words, and blunt absolutes are better than honey-coated half truths.


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24 Jun 2015, 8:26 pm

AspieUtah wrote:
--Don't be too quick to correct me; I might have reasons for my seemingly weird statements.
--Early on, just let me mostly watch you and others; it's my way of learning how I can fit in conversationally.
--I appreciate humor; let me join in the joke sometimes.
--If I get lost in the weeds with details or facts, wait a little while before asking me to be more generalized.
--It is okay to give me signal about moving on with something I say or do; my friends know that they can whisper "a little too Aspie" as a hint.
-- My social time limit is about two hours a day; don't feel bad if I leave early.

Stuff like that. :)


Those are just about the rules I'd have if I were to start choosing them. However, I'm used to putting up with the exact opposite behavior, and to being told that not wanting to tolerate it is a serious flaw of mine I have to correct, and that those who behave that way are doing me a favor by not letting me remain spoiled.


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The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.