What did my councillor mean?

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An old friend who 2 years ago cared about me a lot but now does not care about me at all left me puzzled with the the new attitude towards me.

My councillor said to me yesterday


"If you feel the other person "must" or "is supposed to" care about you, identify where you got that expectation. By definition, genuine caring must be spontaneous, not dutiful."


What does my councillor mean in more depth by "identify when you get that expectation"?

If I understand correctly, he or she is asserting that you expect people to automatically care for you, and wants you to identify the root cause (or event) that started this expectation. So for example, someone who lives in a certain region may observe that it rains every afternoon from May through July, and thus they come to expect this to always be the case, even in other locations.

However, from my perspective, she/he seems to have misunderstood your problem. If this friend did genuinely, and spontaneously care for you a few years ago, I think it is reasonable to expect them to still feel this way (provided no problems arose in your friendship).

What happened between you and your friend?

I haven't spoken to my friend 'properly' since January 2014

At the time my friend upset me so I said to her "leave me alone" at a nightclub

My friend had a lot of problems with drugs in the past and since then according to my friends she has changed and cut ties with some of her old friends.

You've mentioned her previously.

I would say the best thing is to "move on."

But I know that's easier said than done.

You might impress her more if you have a job.

That sounds like a blessing in disguise. If she is getting involved with drugs and the wrong crowd then it's better for you because she could be a bad influence on you.