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Laurz_2192
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24 May 2008, 10:33 am

I'm not sure why I'm here...Probably because WP was the first place I thought of to come to...here I am...

I need advice, mainly...I had a friend, an online friend, who I'd met 3 years ago through a different community. I'd met up in person with her a few times, in 2006 and a few times in 2007. Recently, it's all gone downhill, mostly my fault...She says she can't deal with me anymore, she doesn't want to talk to me cause I make her feel horrible and want to "scream her heart out in frustration".
The best of it is? I don't even realise what I've done wrong...I do say things in temper and have been known to offend people without noticing but...-_-
It's times like these that I hate having Asperger's. I don't wanna lose this friend, but hey, I think I've managed that just by being me...I don't know if it's me being "unreasonable" or her just not wanting to try...

What shall I do? :( I don't really wanna lose this friend, but I think I am just by being, well, me...Should I carry on trying to save this friendship or just...?

-_-



Brittany2907
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24 May 2008, 11:21 am

I think you should ask her specifically, what you do that makes her so frustrated. If you know, then maybe you can do something about it if you want to.
Since you don't want to lose this friend, I don't think you should give up on trying to improve the friendship.


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merrymadscientist
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24 May 2008, 11:28 am

This is difficult. I too have lost friends by just being me - friends who strangely said they 'liked me for who I was' and then a few weeks later decide they are better off without me.

I am trying still to convince myself that I am better off without them. It is true that I did put a lot of effort into being friends with them - I was never totally relaxed with them, always looking out for what I should say and do. And to not have to do that any more is a relief. But on the other hand, I have lost a social life that made me happy. Also I have given up being nice to people and lapsed back into my old self (who isnt downright nasty, but is rather selfish and tends to forget about people's needs), because being nice to them didnt work. So I dont like myself much anymore.

Maybe you can ask her what it is that you are doing wrong. The problem with this (and I know because I tried this) is that people think you are using the question just to get reassurance (which maybe they are already fed up of giving you) whereas in reality you actually want to know the honest answer.

The alternative is to stop interacting with her so much. This is hard when you know there is something wrong and you want to sort it out, but in hindsight I realise that this is perhaps what I should have done with my friends. Take yourself away from the situation - don't email her or call her, if she calls you then be friendly still, but be more distant - perhaps say you are too busy to do something, talk about neutral topics and not about yourself or your problems. Basically act like you care less about her, but dont end the friendship. And perhaps she will start to miss you a bit and start trying to rekindle the friendship (and then you can go back to being friendly again, or maybe you wont want to anyway).

I know that this is really artificial - when you want to do something to save the friendship, to 'pretend' that you couldnt care less about it seems really paradoxical and is very difficult to do. But if you manage it, maybe you will get to keep her.



merrymadscientist
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24 May 2008, 11:42 am

Brittany2907 wrote:
I think you should ask her specifically, what you do that makes her so frustrated. If you know, then maybe you can do something about it if you want to.
Since you don't want to lose this friend, I don't think you should give up on trying to improve the friendship.


Yes, I think this is the immediate Aspie response to this situation. Its just that having used it myself I have realised that it doesnt seem to work on most NTs. They assume you are looking for assurance from them that they like you and get annoyed at you for asking for this assurance (which in fact you dont want anyway). In my situation, a friend had been very distant with me for several months and I tried to make the situation better by sending her a message asking what I had done wrong etc. She was extremely angry with me - told me that she was busy (although not too busy to see other people) and that I was too possessive, expecting her to spend time with me all the time (which in fact was not true - what I expected was that we spend some time together, as we had in the past, and that she seem to enjoy spending time with me instead of acting as though she wanted to get away). She managed to twist the entire situation around, blaming me for everything that had gone wrong (even though until this email I had just patiently tried to be nice to her and wait until she had time to spend with me). Shortly after the email she started an argument with me and since then we have not spoken.

Maybe it will work, and if it does then it will be worthwhile, but I am just warning you that it can go horribly wrong and she ends up finishing the friendship and making you feel as though it was all your fault. Personally I believe (as with most relationships) that if something goes wrong it is both people's 'fault' (I accepted 50% responsability in the case of my friend, but she insisted it was all my fault). In some ways, you might even be better off ending the friendship yourself to protect yourself from upset and anger if she ends it, but I know that personally I would never end a friendship - I dont want to be like these people that have hurt me.



weather1man
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24 May 2008, 12:17 pm

Thus the dangers of online friendships.


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sodarktheshadows
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25 May 2008, 1:04 am

this is one of the hardest things i've had go deal with myself.
i have a friendship that i have had to think the very same way about, for much the very same reasons. it's not an easy thing...knowing how much you want to remain friends with that person, but also knowing that it would be easier for both you and that person if you just ended things...or maybe, not. it's that whole uncertainty.
i know for me, i had decided to tell my friend that i wasn't going to talk to them anymore, because i felt it would be better for their sanity. they asked if i would be okay if i was to do that, and that in turn lead to a very open discussion about things. we decided not to end the friendship, but just change some things. and i think we're going to be okay. at least i hope so.
try talking to her about it. the way i looked at it when it was my time to do this was that either i'm going to lose the friendship by NOT talking to them ever again, and not trying to fix things, or i'm going to lose the friendship because i TRIED to keep it, tried to fix it. so either way, i'd looked at worst-case scenarios. better to try than not, i figured. and lucky for me, i was lucky enough to retain my friendship with this person.
i wish you luck with your friendship, whatever choice you make, and whatever the outcome.


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sinagua
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25 May 2008, 4:30 pm

I've had mixed experiences...okay, mostly bad ones, I guess, because I can think of many people I used to think I was "friends" with who definitely do NOT consider me or want me as a friend anymore.

One said I only talked about myself, and never asked her about her life enough. My response was that I'm sorry, I know sometimes I talk a blue streak and generally relate to people by referencing my own experiences, but I really DID want to know about her life, and why doesn't she ever VOLUNTEER any information? I felt frustrated, misunderstood, and that she was being kind of passive-aggressive with me, like, "Well fine if you won't ask me about my day I won't tell you."

Then I had one "friend" and coworker who got very angry/upset with me when I asked her to please give me specific examples of when I'd been "inappropriate" or offensive - she acted like simply asking for examples was further proof of my "negativity" and "argumentative" and "aggressive" nature, which I was obviously in "denial" of, because I was requesting specifics. When I asked her why not one single person at that office had EVER complained or given me the slightest indication of having a problem with me, she said that was because they were all "too intimidated" by me to speak up. I believe that she was absolutely lying through her teeth to me about this and had far larger "issues" to overcome than I do. :?

Then again, I can see that I've often chosen rather poorly with "friends" - when I was younger I'd really pretty much hang out with who ever would tolerate me, or have "party buddies," or whatever. Of course those weren't real friends - when the "party" was over, they were long gone, too.

The older I get, the less I'm interested in making friends. Instead, I'm interested in meeting other people with similar special interests/hobbies as mine. If we can end up talking about things outside that realm of interest, great! If not, no biggie.