Making small talk to anyone

Post Reply New Topic

I need to know how in the hell do you make small talk to anyone you already know or people you don't know. A lot of what I ever did was just get lost in processing what I want to say. I know that I will somehow blurt out something socially inappropriate if I don't track myself. How can I get over this?

What else will happen is that I just simply don't know how to start the flow of conversation from the get-go. I understand tips and web pages on small talk and conversations, but I just get lost when applying them.

I know that once in a while I actually do have a successful conversation, but sometimes I just forget.

Small talk is mostly scripts (for me anyways). Eavesdrop on other people and observe closely in films/TV for small talk. I don't really try to strike conversations so much as I throw out a random comment or observation that people wouldn't find totally bizarre. Sometimes people will respond to it and small talk begins, but sometimes people just acknowledge that I've spoken and the exchange goes no further. It's not awkward this way to me and it's normal for a conversation filled with small talk to randomly die. That's OK and isn't really a sign of failure unless the other person starts acting/responding strangely to you.

I'm just not a keen observer.

You can start converasion with a classmate by asking them if they done homework, learned for the exam, watched a movie that was in TV last night etc. You can also tell them what happend to you when you were traveling to school.

You can start conversation with shop clerks by saying something like "It will be a great gift for my dad" or "I hope this t-shirt will be comfortable" while paying.

You can talk with random strangers in public transportation by saying "it's ugly/windy/sunny weather today, I wonder how long it's going to stay like this...". Weather is always a save topic, especially if the weather is bad.

It's also save to pick up a detail of someone clothing and compliment it. You can for example ask them where they bought the scarf because you/your friend is looking for something exatly like that and can't find it in any shop.


The trick is to see/realize/remember something and ask slight questions/wonder out loud about it. It makes people speak up. Just make sure you do it with smile/accurate facial expression and look in the direction of people you want to make small talk with.

About overthinking - don't worry about it. If you don't know if you should say something or not: say it and put a huge smile on your face, like this: . It will make people wonder if you are serious or just kidding and noone is going to realize you said something improper. If it ends up improper it will be considerd a bad joke.
Of course don't do this when speaking with officials and during sad events. But casual situations are fine, especially if people you speak with are not total strangers and you are at similliar level in social hierarchy. (Although I use this even towards my teachers...)

^ Wonderful. And then?
Sometimes it happens that I notice something and say something about it, the other person replies and then I don't have anything else to talk about and my mind is clogged.

^ Choose topics you know something about.

Small talk seems to be random set of topics but it's totally OK to make small talk about just one topic and return to original topic (or any interesting topic in the middle) whenever discussion dies. Especially if it is just a short talk, like the one during school break or waiting for a bus.

If you ask about homework - you make people talk about thier homework and then say how you did it or forgot to do it, ask specific questions etc. Same with exams.
If you ask about movie - you ask them so they tell you how they liked the movie and what the movie was about if you didnt watch it yourself or to tell them how you liked the movie and recall specific scenes if you watched it. Then you can move to discussiong similliar movies...
If you speak about weather you listen what people have to say about it and then you tell your own assumption, based of some forecast website you use and wonder how accurate it is.
If you tell about gift for dad you might continue by telling what you bought him last time and how he reacted to it.

Also. Small talk has 2 (or more) people so if discussuion dies it isn't fully your fault. The person you talk with might just not be interested in talking with you. If they want to talk they might break the further silence themselves - by starting the talk you made them know you want to speak with them. And that's enough. Unless they are just as bad in figuring out what to talk about as you are.

BTW. I find it easier to speak with more than 1 person. 2-3 is perfect. With face to face it is easy to lose the topic but in group of 3-4 there is always someone who breaks the silence if discussion dies.

BTW2: Don't take what I suggest too seriously. I probably use people as hearboards and I am clueless to their reactions and whats proper or not. It's my style and I fix all my mistakes by smiling (when I am not sure if I should say something), "Oh, well. I quess that's it." (when discusion dies and I have no idea how to revive it) or "OK/I'm sorry." (when someone actually tells me I said too much and should shut up). The only good thing is I am not afraid of making small talk and I -think- I can do it.

I'm told now that I do a pretty good job doing small talk with people - but that's because I've been consciously trying to learn how to for years. The main thing I do is keep asking questions that allow the other person to talk about themselves - most people can't resist that. Just remember that the whole point is to flap lips and make larynx noise and not to actually communicate anything of any real depth or importance. As soon as you start asking or talking about anything truly important or relevant, you've blown it.

The other thing is to just keep practicing, and not get discouraged. I was a social idiot to a huge degree when I started, and these days no one believes I was that socially stupid before because I can fake this part well enough to fool them.

You can get better too, with enough practice and patience.