I'm aggressive? Huh?

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I've been told by several people who are quite close to me that I tend to be aggressive in social situations.



I'm not quite sure how I'm aggressive at all. Here's what I was told, though: apparently I tend to be quite forthright with my opinions and in discussions, I won't let a subject go. One example I was given was that I have a tendency to question another person's opinions, which gives the other person the impression that I'm interrogatory and baiting them for a fight.

A conversation between myself and another person might go like this:

Them: I think [x].
Me: Why do you think [x]?
Them: I think [x] because it's ethical.
Me: Why is [x] ethical?
Them: I think [x] is ethical because it's humane and moral.
Me: Why not [y]?

Etc, etc.

The above confuses me because I don't think asking questions about a person's opinion is hostile. To me, I'm trying to understand their concept and seeing if I can agree.

Anyways, do you think exchanges such as the above are "aggressive"? Also, anyone else been told of something similar?

All the time! It was always so frustrating for me to be accused of putting people "on the spot," when all I was doing was trying to learn more about how other people think and why their opinions often seemed to be so different from mine. But I think that's actually the reason people get upset: they can't believe we're questioning why they think a certain way, because they probably can't imagine anyone thinking any other way! I've personally been shocked that other people have been shocked by my questioning them (whew, hope that sentence made sense)! What's apparently so obvious to most of the world is just not so cut-and-dried for us, and that's why we tend to annoy people by "questioning" too many things. Pretty scary world, huh? That sad part is that, as I get older, I no longer question people as much. I've frankly lost interest in hearing their points of view! I now know why I've always been so different, and therefore I've lost the need to try to connect with NTs as much. Sadly, now that I really don't give a toot about "seeing their side," most of them get along with me better! And I'm much less stressed, as well! Pitifully ironic, but I guess that's how most things go for us.

Always been kind of like this, but it seems rather the norm with the type of people that I deal with.

You're not supposed to question people's opinions in social situations, but instead chit chat and try and make the other person feel welcome and that you like them. It sounds totally illogical (and it is), but that is the formula for social conversation. Deviate at your peril.

Don´t just ask questions all the time. I don´t like people who just ask why this why that all the time. Say your own opinions once in a while.

I get this quite a bit too. I'm just really interested in people so I want to know more about them. So I ask questions like you do and they look at me like I'm shouting at them. Since doing philosophy at college I've always felt that an opinion isn't worth having unless you question it, so I feel that by discussing things with other people I can strengthen my own opinions whilst helping them to strengthen theirs. But many people like to hold opinions based on nothing and any questioning is seen as a personal attack. I guess the only solution is to drift through life, never questioning anything, but that would be dull. I think you should carry on doing what you feel is right and if people don't like it then they can deal with it how they see fit.

Thanks for the responses

I agree with several of you in that it seems people don't like their opinions questioned as it's threatening to them, in some way. I guess perhaps they feel they have to defend themselves. It's a classic case of misunderstanding, though, because our intentions aren't malicious.

The idea of not questioning seems...well, sad, to be honest. I can see why though, because it would make social situations easier, but it also seems like I'd be forced to close off a part of my mind. Isn't there a way to ask questions without sounding threatening?

@Lone_Wolf:

Well, I don't ask questions all the time - I do give my opinion as well, mixed with the questions. I'm usually surprised that the other person usually wouldn't question my opinion when I state them, much like my routine with theirs.

I think that the problem is that really most people have beliefs without having thought the issue through very well. Likewise, they may not want to be exposed to reasoning which might force them to change beliefs that they are comfortable with, or even just lose some of that comfort.

OK, it just sounded like that in your example. I´ve heard of some aspies who keep the talk going just by asking why on every occasion. It sounds annoying, like you´re on a police interrigation.

When I say the last bit, I would view that as expressing my opinion, although I guess it's still in a question format.

Although, how exactly does the above exchange sound like an interrogation?

Ive been told im aggressive too , along with i talk to much and i go on and on about something way past what anyone wants to hear about.
The other week i had someone visit from the healthcare team and i was trying to explain to her about some issues i was having and she said i was making her defensive and she was leaning back in her chair . If people listened to me and understood what i was saying i wouldnt have to talk so much and try so hard to get my point across ,maybe my body language is wrong or something , i consider my self very far from being aggresive in fact id consider myself the opposite . I find it really hurtfull that in the few instances i speak up or talk to someone i get accused of being aggresive. Even my partner refuses to debate with me now .

bb natty

When you question someone's perspectives, it can feel like a challenge. They may think you find their ideas outlandish and that you are attacking them. Most people don't have clearly defined, easily expressed reasons for their opinions that they can rattle off for you on the spot, and they feel like you are asking them to justify their opinions, which they don't feel they should have to do for you.

What you've just described yourself as doing is similar to Socratic questioning. Unfortunately, people who associated with Socrates generally viewed him as an annoying troublemaker.

Yeah, same problem here

Yes, people think i am aggressive and argumentative.
I tell them to go ...

(since this is the kiddies forum i will let you guess)