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Kitty4670
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22 Nov 2015, 1:45 pm

Is there a website on Asperger that will explain it better? I have bookmarked sites on Asperger, but I want one that explain it better on socialize with friends & family, and what are the difference in Asperger when you are an adult.

I'm asking because I HATE that my family & my sister think they know me Soooo Good. My sister is the Worst one, I have a like-hate relationship with her.



the_phoenix
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22 Nov 2015, 6:16 pm

" Making People Understand You " ...
the question is, do they really want to understand you?
It can often happen that family members get comfortable seeing you a certain way
and don't want to make the effort to change.
Be your best self ...
where there's willingness to improve things on both sides,
and mutual respect,
that's a good thing.
With some people,
you might need to be your best self from a good, safe distance,
or at least set some boundaries.

(and yes, I owe you a Private Message ... am hoping to write you again tonight after dinner)

...


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Fnord
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22 Nov 2015, 6:32 pm

They have to want to understand you; but first they would have to admit that they don't understand you as well as they think they do.

Suggestion: Put all of your thoughts and feelings into a daily diary. Then, after a year, leave it someplace where a family member might "accidentally" find it. They will likely read it, and what they read may challenge their thinking. Just don't put anything in there about hurting yourself or other people; otherwise, they may use it as evidence that you are suicidal or homicidal. Then they would really misunderstand you!


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probly.an.aspie
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22 Nov 2015, 8:19 pm

My mother and her mother (my grandmother) misjudged and misunderstood me a lot as a child. I was accused of being willfully disobedient when my issue was a sensory overload instead of "sulking;" or "primping" and "being vain" when i was being a typical aspie who obsessed over what i wore. (If i would have been vain, i'd have had an ego to go with it...and i had so little confidence that i couldn't believe anything good anyone said about my appearance even though looking at pictures i see that i was a pretty child.) And other traits like that.

Even as an adult, my mother would sometimes make assumptions about me or my character that i could tell were based on an incorrect understanding of me. When i'd try and tell her this, she got this smug look and said she knows me very well--implying that i was wrong and she knows me better than i know myself. I am in my 30's and she finally has stopped doing this within the last 2 years. But it took a l-o-o-o-o-o-n-g time and somehow isn't that satisfying because i still don't think she "gets" me even though she seems to understand that she doesn't. It's like she sees this stranger at times instead of her daughter.

I would agree with Fnord actually. After i started writing stuff out and blogging, she read it--every word. She loves me and is in my corner totally--just finally realising she does not understand me as much as she thinks she does. There is this part of me she will never share because she doesn't "get" it and can't. I can't think of any better way to describe it. But it is not so satisfying to me, because i think it hurts her. I don't want to do that...but I can't make her into someone she isn't any more than she can make me into the person she thought i was.

My grandmother passed away about 8 years ago. But before her death, she came to a point where she mellowed and accepted me for who i was, not who she wanted me to be. By the time she died, we were very close. She was a different personality than my mom though--the whole thing played out differently than the dynamics with my mom. But maybe my mom will mellow with the years too.



slw1990
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26 Nov 2015, 1:21 am

A lot of people seem to misinterpret me. They also assume that what I'm saying has a different meaning to it. It's like they think that they know my intentions and it leads to so many misunderstandings. With my dad, if I try to clarify what I said he thinks that I'm trying to argue with him while other people seem to think that I'm looking for validation when I really just want them to understand the point I was trying to make. Then there's some people who seem to think that I don't put in any effort to make things better when I am trying so if I tell them something they start giving me advice that doesn't apply to me. They don't really seem to try to understand me even when they are aware that they don't understand. It's so frustrating. I just try to keep my distance from them.



probly.an.aspie
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26 Nov 2015, 6:42 am

SLW1990, everything you just said happens to me too.

I have often been accused of being argumentative and I don't try to be. Also i am told i can't "let things go"--as in needing to have the last word or keeping on with a topic after everyone else is finished with it. I don't usually realize i did it til someone becomes annoyed with me. I don't do it intentionally. I am either still completely interested in what is being discussed; or i think there is something else that i have to say on the matter, that i feel is pertinent. I sometimes realize i am rambling and try to cut it short. But i then feel that i missed or forgot something if i don't bring my thought to completion. Grrrrr...so aggravating.



b9
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26 Nov 2015, 6:53 am

i just say what i say in front of people, and i fully understand what i am saying, so i know it is cogent, so if other people walk away or draw nearer to me, it is due to their interest in what i am saying.

i do not really seem like i like people, so i do not expect them to like me automatically, and so i would never talk about my inner self to them because i know they do not care. but some people are interested to listen to curious observations, and they are the ones who understand me.

if i was suddenly the only human on earth (and had all the supplies to live until old age), i would not go crazy because i would never again be able to express an idea.
i do not need to express ideas in order to have them in the first place. but i guess ideas are pointless if there is no reason to have them. no matter how compelling they may be.

maybe i would go crazy if i was the only person on earth come to think about it.



SocOfAutism
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26 Nov 2015, 5:59 pm

Fnord wrote:
They have to want to understand you; but first they would have to admit that they don't understand you as well as they think they do.


I so agree with this. I think this is worth doing some serious thinking about on its own.



Fnord
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26 Nov 2015, 7:41 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:
Fnord wrote:
They have to want to understand you; but first they would have to admit that they don't understand you as well as they think they do.
I so agree with this. I think this is worth doing some serious thinking about on its own.
It's a take-off on the old clinical psychology meme: "You have to want help; but first you have to admit that you have a problem."


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hurtloam
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28 Nov 2015, 2:48 am

slw1990 wrote:
A lot of people seem to misinterpret me. They also assume that what I'm saying has a different meaning to it. It's like they think that they know my intentions and it leads to so many misunderstandings. With my dad, if I try to clarify what I said he thinks that I'm trying to argue with him while other people seem to think that I'm looking for validation when I really just want them to understand the point I was trying to make. Then there's some people who seem to think that I don't put in any effort to make things better when I am trying so if I tell them something they start giving me advice that doesn't apply to me. They don't really seem to try to understand me even when they are aware that they don't understand. It's so frustrating. I just try to keep my distance from them.


I feel exactly like that. People are often too quick to jump to conclusions. Somethimes I just give up trying to explain because I know they have already made their mind up. Even saying, "you don't understand", doesn't make them stop and listen. Then they complain that you don't take their advice, even though their advice was not applicable to the situation.

The book I've been giving people to read is Lianne Halliday Willey's Aspergers in the Family. I bought it back when there were few books or websites about women on the spectrum. She uses real life experiences to explain autism, which I think people find easier to understand than explaining abstract concepts.



AutisticIan
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28 Nov 2015, 11:40 am

Being misunderstood is kind of a lifes work for a lot of us, myself included. I have found that I can never make people understand me but over time I have learned to help them understand me. My intent being to improve the odds that a receptive person will understand more. I have found understanding is more frequent on the occasions when I am asking for an accomodation of my autism - the explanation has a context.

I am very lucky in that I have a mentor at work who helps me to understand context from the other persons point of view (a massive blind spot). This helps me think about how I say things rather than just concentrating on what I say. This has opened up a whole new complex (way too complex) way of thinking about communication. I will never be good at understanding context from the other persons point of view but even gaining some slight insight changes the effectiveness of how I communicate. For all of us with Aspergers the only thing that matters is what we say but for everyone else how we say it matters more.

That said I have a handful of close friends some have Aspergers traits, some are diagnosed and all share at least one of my interests.



dobyfm
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30 Nov 2015, 12:08 pm

They have to try to understand you. Here is a great way: Search "Things to never say to someone with Asperger's" and show it to your family. It got my sister to understand me better and stop criticizing me in public.